FanPost

Jiu Jitsu: 2020 Movie



To begin this review, you can find this movie on Netflix in the dungeons of their vast library of content or likely in the bargain bin of your local CVS pharmacy likely on VHS because it does not deserve either disc format of DVD or Blu-Ray. There's probably a free coupon in the paper towel roll of a receipt they give you.

I'll begin with the movie plot synopsis. "After the defeat of a celebrated war hero, an ancient order of fighters battle powerful space invaders as the fate of humanity hangs in the balance."

Alright, so this dumpster fire of a movie is about an ancient order of assclowns that fight aliens for the sake of the planet. Basically, it's what you get when you asked your mom as a kid while shopping if we can go to McDonald's and she tells you, "We got McDonald's at home" then makes a burger with soggy WonderBread and an overcooked rat meat patty. They're on a mission to fight in a generic Costco brand version of Mortal Kombat.

- The main character in this merry group of morons is the handsome guy your girlfriend told you not to worry about that has amnesia and doesn't know who the fuck he is or that he's the savior of humanity. White Liu Kang, if you will. This dude would make Funky Todd Medina swoon. Maybe Taiter as well depending on how much red wine he's had.

- There's the stereotypical Asian chick.

- Some dude who looks like Chuck Liddell recovering from a heroin addiction.

- Rigan Machado. Yes, a part of jiu jitsu royalty actually signed up to be a part of this shit show.

- Some dude who looks like he shoulda been cast as Dhalsim in that dogshit Street Fighter movie from the 90s with Jean Claude Van Damm.

- Crossbones from Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

- Johnny Tran from The Fast and the Furious (seriously). TOO SOON JUNIOR.

- One other loser I can't remember and don't care to look up. This Magnificent Seven is supposed to be 9, and I think that's all of them with the following...

- The captain of this sinking ship is Nicholas Fucking Cage, who is a combination of Raiden, Mr. Miyagi, and Yoda if they all had Diego Sanchez levels of CTE. He is supposed to lead these idiots to stop the aliens from turning the planet into an intergalactic night club for their mighty empire. He's so bonkers, he wears a paper hat. A fucking hat made from newspaper.





The sad part is there's quite a bit of reputable action stars in this movie.

Alain Moussi: You may know him from his roles in the recent 2 Kickboxer remake movies. He gets a pass, he's not exactly a household name of action movies. Gotta take what you can get. Even Jackie Chan made those two shitty movies with Owen Wilson. WOW!!!




Frank Grillo: You all know him from various action flicks, Marvel films, and the awesome MMA TV show Kingdom (Watch it before it leaves Netflix if you haven't yet). He couldn't have been that hard up for money. He makes like 50 movies a year. He probably finished filming on 2 movies since I started writing this fan post.


Rick Yune: You know him as Johnny Tran from the Fast and the Furious, as mentioned above.



And Tony Jaa: Yes, he is in here probably for some extremely depressing personal reasons I don't want to know about.




Two fight scenes in and there is not a single submission attempt, no takedowns, and the only time anyone was on top of someone on the ground were two unconscious useless goons that got knocked the fuck out by some sweet fight choreography moves. You have to question how a huge group of military henchmen got the shit beat out of them by a band of ninjas with knives, nunchucks, and other assorted weapons. The stereotypical Asian chick has a wrist mounted sling shot too. The military doesn't have guns anymore? If you were playing a drinking game that had a rule that said "drink everytime you see a submission attempt" for a movie called Jiu Jitsu and were expecting a wild ride of depleting whatever beer or liquor you have in your home, you wouldn't finish your first drink by the end of this movie.

And then there's the alien. The motherfucking alien. Best part of the movie. This badass world conqueror makes The Predator look like the cute little fellas that turned into the Monstars from Space Jam. This asshole has super speed, infrared vision, heals from all wounds even when they empty an entire magazine of bullets into his chest, swords in his arms, fuckin lava hands, a shit ton of sharp projectiles.




But it has a weakness. His infrared vision can be blocked by these robes that make our foolish fighters look like Theon Greyjoy at a San Francisco Pride parade. If you're brave(dumb) enough to take off your robe and wizard hat, this fucker will find you and kill you slowly like a cat playing with a mouse. The big bad boss of the alien gangsters doesn't even require you to win Mortal Kombat. Fighters just have to show up, lose and die, every 6 years. If any of the fighters chicken out, then he's gonna fuck everything up. What kinda psychopath is this dude? We're tossing losers in the cage with Amanda Nunes just so he leaves to come back and do it again in 6 years.



No shitty action movie would be complete without the useless token black guy. This jive turkey is only around for a limited time, like the McRib and he is just as disappointing. He is a translator for the military and I think what is supposed to be comic relief but he's not even good at either. As a token black man in many circles of friends I'm in, this assclown is a disgrace to all token black guys that came before him and will come after him. If he has not been shunned by the high council of black actors, I would be surprised.

I really don't know how this movie was allowed to be called Jiu Jitsu. I could make a documentary about quarantine and working-from-home life, during COVID times in 2020, call it 'Shawshank Redemption 2' and that would be more accurate.

Anyway, if you want to put yourself through this dumpster fire, I suggest you take 5-6 shots of your liquor of choice or roll up a few with your weed strain of choice. Maybe both or mix a cocktail of liquor and drugs that would make Haymaker jealous. You're going to need it.

I rate this movie 5 out of 5 prostate checks.

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