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Jake Paul vs Ben Askren boxing match official for April 17, regrettably

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I blame Mike Tyson.

BOXING: JAN 30 Miami Fight Night Photo by Rich Graessle/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

I miss the old days when my shitty headlines were the most embarrassing thing in combat sports. Sadly, that unofficial title has recently been awarded to Internet ass-clown Jake Paul, who went from YouTube personality to professional boxer by taking (and staying on) the path of least resistance.

I thought to be a pro boxer you actually had to fight a “pro” ... but I guess now is not the time to get into that.

Paul will lace up the gloves for a third time to battle former UFC welterweight Ben Askren, who retired from combat sports last year after getting finished in back-to-back fights. It was thought that his recent recent hip surgery would spell the end of his athletic career, particularly at age 36, but I guess we underestimated the miracles of modern medicine.

“I started boxing two years ago and I’m still going to knock his ass out faster than [Jorge] Masvidal,” Paul told ESPN, who brought word of the April 17 showdown. “The world complained because I knocked out a basketball player and not a real fighter. So now I’m giving the people what they want by taking on a ‘real fighter.’ After Ben Askren is added to my knockout meme collection, what can anybody say? Thank you to Triller Fight Club for giving me the platform to once again put a man to sleep. April 17, it’s lights out for Askren.”

Askren didn’t waste time with a response:

Paul vs. Askren, contested with 10-ounce gloves in a 20-by-20 ring in the 185-190-pound range, will headline the upcoming pay-per-view (PPV) card, though a city and venue have yet to be determined. “Funky,” as you might expect, will be making his boxing debut.

“I know Jake Paul is enjoying pretending he is a fighter,” Askren said. “I think on April 17 he is going to have a rude awakening to what being a fighter is really like. Jake has led a privileged life and doesn’t really know what the meaning of being a fighter is. I’m going to put his dreams to an end.”

And hopefully put our nightmares to an end along with it.