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UFC 242: When predictable bets come true

There are times in life when you're able to convince yourself you can do things you clearly cannot. For me, it was believing I could run a marathon off the couch when I was 30, despite being a lazy, flatulent do-nothing bitch who literally didn't own a pair of running shoes. Nevertheless, youth and testosterone being what they are, I gave it a try. Afterwards I lied to people and said I managed 20K before giving up, but it was likely closer to 5. In the battle of me versus marathon it was a KO in round 1.

Other people have believed delusional things as well. Such as the idea that George Michael wasn't gay, that Amy Winehouse wouldn't OD, or that Dustin Poirier could knock out Khabib Nurmagomedov. And they were all wrong.

Don't take these comments too harshly, I liked Careless Whisper as much as the next man, and similarly I hoped Dustin could pull off some kind of Miracle in Abu Dhabi. I used as much suspension of disbelief as was possible in order to get hyped up for this fight. But in the end, it required ignoring the fact that Dustin had less than a puncher's chance going up against the most elite wrestler mixed martial arts has ever seen.

But more on that later.

What did I think of UFC 242, ignoring the fact that the ongoing tradition of naming of these events after the number of pay-per-views since inception date is severely autistic and bizarre?

I thought it was ok. You know, when you slide two girl fights into a card set in a desert on a Saturday morning with relative unknowns masquerading as main card headliners, you can't get too picky. Felder and Barboza was decent and Ottman Azaitar could literally sing the opening to Bohemian Rhapsody saying he killed a man and be correct. But other than that there wasn't a ton of excitement.

I give it 2.5 shining bald Dana White heads out of 5.

How Dustin Poirier went from being starched by Conor McGregor inside of two minutes in 2014 to challenging for the lightweight belt in 2019 is a bit of a mystery. To quote Conor, "he's a journeyman fighter" who throws "basic shots". He's fundamentally sound, and his physical toughness cannot be disputed. But at the end of the day, he wasn't the best matchup for Khabib.

Don't misunderstand me. Dustin has some great punching combinations. His fights with Gaethje, Alvarez and Pettis were highly entertaining. If given a choice between rewatching those fights and Khabib's "highlight reel", I'd pick Dustin every single time. In fact, if given a choice between rewatching Khabib's highlight reel and having my balls waxed by a zippo lighter, I'd say "flame on".

Dustin is fundamentally solid everywhere, which makes him a tough opponent in every situation. But he's elite nowhere. He's not a power puncher; he finishes guys with 49-punch combinations. He's not an elite grappler; other than his mounted submission triangle armbar against a barely out-of-diapers Holloway, he chooses fisticuffs to finish every opponent. His wrestling is serviceable but it's not spectacular.

To dethrone an undefeated animal like Khabib, Dustin needed something special. And the only special thing he's got at the moment are those funbags that his wife bounced out onto the Octagon canvas in his win over Max Holloway.

To dethrone Khabib, a fighter is going to need to have something really spectacular to offer. In Conor, we had the one-punch KO chance. In Tony Ferguson we have extreme mental and physical toughness, crafty ground skills and hellbows. When you looked at Dustin, there really wasn't anything you could imagine him winning with, unless Khabib was foolish enough to walk forward and take punches to his dome.

The worst part is that Dustin seems like a great kid. He's got heart, grit, determination, and shows respect for his opponents. All the things that get an exchange of participation t-shirts at the end of the fight but not the belt. Unfortunately.

Paul Felder vs Edson Barboza 2 was an interesting choice for a co-main event. Two talented strikers of perennial "gatekeeper" status running back their 2015 tilt for "Just Bleed" reasons. And it delivered. The two wailed on one another for three rounds, with nothing definitive being decided other than the fact Paul Felder can take a horrifying amount of physical abuse and not flinch, while Barboza remains the scariest looking kickboxer the 155-division has ever seen.

But what does the win do for either of them? The elite of 155 has run a train on Barboza, with Khabib and Lee showing that he wilts under grappling pressure, while Felder and Gaethje showed that people with thick heads and skin can outgrit him. There's no upside to Barboza other than watching him bleed or bleed others, and at 33 his best years are behind him.

For Felder, it probably wasn't the best post-fight interview tactic to threaten the UFC with a top-10 opponent or he'll retire and keep commentating. I mean, that's kind of a win-win for the UFC. Felder has no previous top 15 experience, let alone top 10. Wins over "Stevie Ray" or James Vick isn't screaming title shot. And the stench of that Ross Pearson roadkill may never waft away.

So let's just enjoy the fight for what it was. Two men giving each other CTE.

What's the dumbest thing you could possibly say in a pre-fight interview about an opponent whose wrestling credentials are second only to Khabib? If you answered "I hope he tries to wrestle me" then you are the winner of the grand Captain Obvious prize, with your reward being a virtual oilcheck (I'd get that lump checked by a doctor, by the way).

Davi Ramos, coming off a decision win of rising superstar Austin Hubbard, decided he was going to show 17-1 Islam Makhachev how to wrassle. Instead, he bounced around the cage trying and failing to land punches, ultimately getting dropped in the third and smashed on the ground. He joins Arman Tsarukyan in the "Be Careful What you Wish For" camp of fighters who dined on crow.

Having said that, at this point you have to wonder why the UFC is giving Makhachev fights against guys whose best claim to the top 15 is having seen one of them in the gym. I mean, for fuck sakes, Ryan Hall is ranked in the top 15 of the Featherweight division. Let that sink in for a second. Ryan "my style is to spazz around the cage until something weird lands" Hall. Ryan "my striking consists largely of flailing my limbs in random directions and hoping it connects with something human" Hall.

C'mon son.

I'm already getting bored writing this so...

Blayes vs Abdurakhimov

Curtis gave Dagestan it's sweetest taste of its own medicine last night, mugging Abdurakhimov for a round and a half until the ref become so bored of its one-sidedness that he stopped the fight. Well, technically, I think Blades knocked his nose inside the Russkies skull, but either way I was thankful not to sit through any more of that. Perhaps Khabib should teach his countryman some basic wrestling techniques.

Ferreira vs Taisumov

Can somebody explain how you get "FEHEDA" from Ferreira? Brazilian names are pretty stupid. Anyway, this result was really surprising. Feheda outclassed and outstruck Taisumov from end of the first round to the last horn in the third. It seemed like Taisumov really wasn't prepared for a striking battle and was never able to put together the sort of display we had come to expect from him since his embarrassing 30-25 shitshow against Prazeres.

Calderwood vs Lee

Based on my fast-forwarding of the fight over a span of a minute, I thought Lee won. But honestly I couldn't have cared less. Lee grunts with every strike like she's channeling Bruce, while Calderwood's striking bona fides slide somewhere in between Ronda Rousey and Spongebob.

I didn't even watch the other girl fight on fastforward.

Tukhugov vs Murphy

Frankly, this seemed a pretty easy 29-28 Murphy. You don't win a fight by holding a man down, and that's all Tukhugov could offer a year after sucker punching Conor McGregor. I'm excited to see more from Murphy, who looks to have some very impressive striking, if he can just work on his grappling some more.

Azaitar vs Packalen

Not much more to say here other than the visage of Packalen having a seizure on the mat following a brutal knockout made me think he might want to head back to Lapland to fight guys named Sajbor and Persson. This was his second brutal KO loss in a row by the way.

Muhammad vs Sato

It's strange how amped some fighters from the Middle East get when they actually get to fight in the Middle East. It reminded me of Ramsey Nijem's savage brutal beating of Beneil Dariush in Abu Dhabi in 2014.

Salikhov vs Taleb

Salikhov is like a non-midget version of Denis Siver. Lots of spinning shit and some decent punching. I look forward to seeing how far he can go but I do think he opens himself up to Weidmaning himself with the spinning stuff and getting his back taken/finished.

Akhmedov vs Cummings

I preferred the more aggressive Akhmedov we saw when he entered the UFC. This was a lot of pitter patter and wrestling. It was frankly more boring than watching my cats, who were grappling on the carpet a few feet away.

Madge vs Ziam

Despite the UFC's fight reel promo, these two made passionate love to one another against the fence for most of three rounds before going to a decision in the most boring fight I've seen since I stopped watching Roxanne Modaferri fights.

Anyway, I'm already yawning profusely. MMA aint what it used to be, but it's all we got. I mean, what am I going to, watch hockey? Fuck no.

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