Hunt vs Miocic: The report cards


Well, Hunt-o versus Miocic went down a few days... weeks... ago? I have no idea. I've been in bed for the last three days battling a fever with more fluids leaking out of my orifices than Jenna Jameson fantasizing about Conor McGregor and the good old days when she would have had a chance of nailing the lad.

I gotta say this about the Adeleide card... OZZIE OZZIE OZZIE! What a fantastic night of slobberknockery and crazy unexpected finishes. Has Australia become the new Brazil? There were 10 finishes in 12 fights, which means the judges were only given a 50-50 chance to fuck up the remaining two fights (and they obliged, those cheeky monkeys).

I was a little surprised, even shocked, that the bald fuck gave Alex Chambers $50,000 for pulling a miracle sub out of her ass during an otherwise brutal beatdown, while Brendan O'Reilly and Vik Grujic were given bupkiss for going balls out in a fight that resembled Griffin vs Bonnar without any of the skill or talent.


Now that we know Super Samoan Mark Hunt basically cut down from 300 pounds to make weight for a division that already has a generous allowance for pudginess, it's little surprise the heavy-handed Pride veteran ran out of gas after the first round. I mean, kudos to Hunt for not quitting even when his face was beginning to look like a Hannibal Lecter halloween mask. The boy is tough. There's no denying that.

I'm staunchly from the Just Bleed camp. I'd rather a fight be stopped too late than too early, I hate it when refs step in when pillows are being thrown, and I still don't believe a fight should be stopped while a man is still standing. Ever. Having said that, by the fourth round of this fight I found myself pleading with the ref to stop it. And he wouldn't. When you consider that ref Greg Kleynjans saved Anthony Perosh while he was still standing on two feet, the fact that John Sharp refused to come to the rescue of this savage beating (not even his corner threw in the towel) makes me wonder if Mark owes a lot of money to a man named Guido.

There's not much more to say about this one. While the fight was standing early on it was somewhat competitive, but as soon as Hunt gassed, which was almost immediately, Miocic took him down early and often and laid a horrific beating on him. This was Cain Velasquez levels of sodomy. It should be noted, too, that Miocic took some great shots from Hunt and nary blinked an eyelid.


When TUF Smashes winner Robert Whittaker dropped his second straight fight to Stephen Thompson last February in Las Vegas it looked like yet another reality TV show scrub was going to get relegated to the ethnic cards and not much else. But after going up in weight to 185 and smashing Clint Hester and now Brad Tavares, it's beginning to look like we were a bit hasty passing judgement on the 24-year-old.

Another TUF scrub alum, Tavares has turned mediocrity into a fucking career. After graduating from TUF 11, this decisionator had gone to the judges in all but two of his 11 fights prior to Adeleide. Other than caving in Phil Baroni's skull in his first non-TUF fight (which is sort of like the town bicycle, everybody's done that), Tavares owns zero impressive finishes in his professional career. Well, other than being finished himself on Sunday. That was impressive.

Whittaker looks extremely fast at 185 pounds and whether he's undersized for the weight class or not doesn't seem to matter. He throws some beefy hooks. Tavares, who despite getting Barbarianed by Boetsch once, has a notoriously tough chin but was nevertheless unable to last a single minute in the cage with Whittaker. With the conventional wisdom of guys going on the Auschwitz diet to make lower and lower weight classes at the cost of some serious mediocrity (Yo, Diego Sanchez, how's 145 looking?) you've got to wonder if some dudes will be looking at Whittaker's highlight reel after going the opposite direction.


Speaking of fighters for ethnic cards, Anthony Perosh has been riding that train since 2013. If not for the fact the UFC now has international venues, guys like 42-year-old Perosh would have been mercifully put to pasture a long, long time ago. Unfortunately, sometimes the UFC pairs up these washed up fighters with other washed up fighters (see Innocente, Guto) to keep the clap happy seals in the stands coming back for more. I imagine that's what the UFC brass figured they were doing when they paired up Utah's Sean O'Connell with Perosh.

But O'Connell didn't read the script. He was supposed to get taken down and choked out (he has two submission losses on his record and Perosh is a decent ground fighter) but instead he stalked and brutalized the Australian against the cage, getting the finish before most people had even figured out which fighter was wearing which color trunks. I think Perosh was more amazed than anybody else, since his entire strategy seemed to consist of 1. Backing up against the cage... 2? 3. Profit.


At 6'3" in the 155 division, awkward and gangly fucker James Vick looks a lot like Adam Sandler in Billy Madison. He's got the smooth moves of Gilligan on the feet and boasts a blue belt on the ground. Yet the "Texecutioner" is now 8-0. What the fuck gives?

Well, the thing is that Vick isn't great a whole lot but what he's good at he really capitalizes on. Vick proved on TUF Live that his lanky limbs are perfect for throwing quick knees by knocking then-favourite Daron Cruickshank clean the fuck out as the Detroit Superstar tried to go for a double leg. Young Ozzie fighter Jake Matthews also learned that the hard way just prior to Vick's other strength, vicious guillotines.

Much like weirdo Cody McKenzie, Vick has been able to use his long limbs to his advantage by securing quick high elbow guillotines on his opponents. Ramsey Nijem found that out less than a minute into their fight, and Matthews learned the same lesson on Sunday. Lanky fuckers like Vick, McKenzie, and even the hit and run champ Jonny Bones Jones, are able to get much deeper on guillotines than the ordinary stubby-armed t-rex juice monkeys that the UFC is more commonly known for. That makes Vick and fighters like him deceptively dangerous... for a time. Once their opponents figure out their weaknesses it's easier to stay out of their one-trick pony wheelhouse (again, McKenzie, Cody).

That's why despite losing the fight I think Matthews has more upside over the long haul. He was winning the fight (until he wasn't) by utilizing great speed and striking, staying away from Vick's range and picking his opportunities. While inexperience cost him in this fight he's still only 20 years old and he's still filling out. I wouldn't be surprised to see his star rise over the next few years.


Hatsu Hioki picked a terrible fucking time to decide he was a K-1 striker. If you look up the word underachiever in the dictionary it's surely got a photo of Hioki next to it... along with every other Japanese fighter who has flopped on their fucking faces in the UFC. Is there a Zuffa curse for Asian fighters in the UFC or what?

When I saw this matchup being proposed I figured this was Hioki's fight to lose by miracle punch. Because it seemed inevitable he would be taking Hooker down and grinding him out from the top. Instead, we were treated to the awkward striking of a man who will now probably need to call Shinya Aoki to see if One FC is hiring UFC burnouts. Hioki even celebrated briefly in the first round when he landed something that appeared to hurt Hooker.

Look, if Team Japan had bothered to do five seconds of research on Hooker he'd know that the kiwi has bricks in his head and was never going to get finished by a pillow fisted jiu jitsu guy on the feet. In fact, all he had to do was watch his last fight against Maximo Blanco, who literally exhausted himself breaking his fists on Hooker's insanely hard chin. With 5 losses in his last 6 fights I can't imagine we see Hioki in the UFC again.


There are times when the judging in MMA is so bad that you wonder if you're actually crazy and that the rules have always been that the guy who gets fucked up is the winner and the guy without a scratch is the loser. I mean, maybe GSP really did beat Johny Hendricks? Maybe Diego Sanchez's windmill punches are worth more than Ross Pearson's crisp, accurate punches? Maybe Nick Ring is really still undefeated?

Whatever the case, from my eyes Kyke Noke looked slow, old and got his fucking face smashed in this fight. My best recollection is this: Webb throws, Noke's head snaps back and his hair goes flying. Rinse, repeat. Webb outclassed and outstruck and outworked Noke all night long. It actually wasn't even close. If Webb landed on the bottom briefly in the second round it's because he was actively seeking submissions. Only one judge got the score right: 30-27 Webb.

If there's one lesson to take away from this loss for Webb it's that he needs to take his ass down to 155. He was facing a gargantuan middleweight and at 5'9" he's just not welterweight material. Although he doesn't seem to have any fat on his frame I think with the right changes to his camp he could make the 155 division where his strength would really shine.


Jesus Christ, Sam Alvey has fucking bricks. Bricks, dude! He reminds me a lot of one of my other favourite former middleweight fighters in Chris Leben. Stand there and absorb shots, land one punch and it's over. The major difference between Alvey and Leben though is that Alvey seems to have bricks in his chin too.

Thank Fuck there's no more bullshit inflated perfect record for "Olympian" Dan Kelly. Dude has to be the sloppiest, least athletic looking Olympian since... Daniel Cormier (shout out to Team FACT). Not sure what Kelly was thinking in this one either. Let's go and pressure Sam Alvey, a guy with the offence of a three-toed sloth whose only wins ever come off the counter punch! That'll work out great!

Yes, folks, Kelly got right in Alvey's face right away. One punch, that's all it took, and Kelly was doing the fucking helicopter tour of Brock Lesnar's last fight across the canvas. After a couple more turns on the merry-go-round the ref jumped in to stop the fight.

Alvey then continued his campaign against undefeated fighters, calling out middleweight's second-sexiest man alive (Luke Rockhold is the king), saying if he beats Elias Theodorou the Canadian would have to cut his locks. Having seen Alvey get beaten by Joey fucking Rivera on TUF I'm not ready to nestle up with a warm cup of cocoa and his nuts in front of a blazing fire, but I would be game to see Theodorou attempt to stay upright against dem bricks.


Sigh. Let's get this shit over with. Two fucking horrible fighters went toe to toe on Sunday as the UFC found a spot on the roster for Bec Rawlings, a woman for whom I would imagine the nickname "Beef Curtains" would be far more fitting than "Rowdy" (which is already taken, ya freak). Rawlings didn't have a lot going for her coming into this fight, going 1-3 in her last four fights. Fortunately for WMMA "fans", she was being paired with somebody even more horrible in Lisa Ellis, who was 1-4 headed into the fight and had burned out of Bellator and Invicta before landing on the pro stage.

So what happened? Well, let's be honest here. Both these women couldn't find talent with two hands and a flashlight but what Bec Rawlings has going for her is that redneck rampage, that outback inbred rage. Which is great if she's going up against a hapless midget who makes Asian girls look huge. At 5'6", Rawlings has to cut weight to get down to the 115-pound limit, while the 5'4" Ellis last competed outside the UFC at 110 pounds.

Although beating the fuck out of Asian girls eight years ago is impressive, I guess, there aren't many tiny Asian fighters to pick on in the UFC. But give it time. WMMA is just getting started. Sigh.


Because we were only introduced to Australian Dylan Andrews in 2013 via TUF 17, it's easy to forget that he's already a 35-year-old man on the decline of his career. Although he showed flashes of promise in his wins against Jimmy (the quitter) Quinlan and Papy Abedi, his third straight defeat to a suspect chin will likely spell the end of his UFC tenure.

The frustrating thing about Andrews is that he seems to have the skills and the power to make a living in the UFC. But he just keeps "getting caught" in his fights, which might mean that his chin is giving out before his heart. He might find some success in the minor leagues for a few more years, but if he's getting finished on a regular basis by guys not ranked in the top 50, even that could be a challenge.

As for Brad Scott, talk about a guy who's flown in under the radar. Only 25-years-old, the finish puts him at 2-2 in the UFC. One thing you can tell about Scott is he's got a mental toughness that keeps him moving forward even when things aren't going his way. While Andrews found success early on, Scott just kept pressing and eventually broke his opponent.


The only sign of life that Alex Chambers showed in the first 10 minutes of this fight was to peek out from under her gloves every now and then to get punched in the fucking face. Chambers was absolutely destroyed in the first two rounds. In fact, if she'd quit between rounds on her stool I don't think anybody would have been surprised.

But this is W-fucking-MMA and anything can happen. And it does. Apparently they don't train for armbars in WMMA because that's how every fucking chick that's destroying another chick suddenly gets caught and finished. I mean, for fuck sakes, for Kailin Curran to lose this fight all she had to do was something incredibly moronic against a girl who looked like she couldn't summon the energy to raise her water bottle to her puffy lips.

Curran not only walked right into the armbar, she basically did a free demonstration video on what not to do when you're caught in one by trying to stand up and power out. I mean, honestly. What are they teaching kids these days?


Really, an "A" for both? Yeah really an "A" for both! Fuck, yeah. These guys came to bang, bro. This was me hopping on the bangwagon, listening to the bang festival at bangapalooza. Riding the chitty chitty bang bang train to Bang-ladesh. I don't care that Brendan O'Reilly and Vik Grujic couldn't make it into the top 100 welterweight fighters even if half the roster died of Ebola. When two men come to throw like they did you have to give them props.

What made O'Reilly's win even more impressive is that he was tiny compared to Grujic. But not only did he take him down, O'Reilly was more than willing to stand toe to toe and trade. You could argue that wasn't in the best interest of O'Reilly, who was losing most of those exchanges, but I think those brawls tired out Grujic, leading to the takedowns and momentum shift in the third for the smaller fighter.


Damn it, my prejudice against Asian fighters backfired. You know how it goes. Asian fighter, UFC debut... you pick the other guy. But it turns out Ben Nguyen is actually from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. So now his win makes a lot more sense.

In seriousness, this was a decent scrap but it was obvious from early on that Nguyen's striking was on a whole other level than Ozkilic's. While it seemed like he might be able to win from top position, Ozkilic couldn't keep Nguyen down for any relevant length of time.

As the first round was drawing to a close and the 10-second warning slap came I was ready to hand Ozkilic the first round by a narrow margin. But then Nguyen landed and I changed my mind. Then Ozkilic went limp with a second left. Fuck.

That's it for UFC in Adeleide. We'll pick up next week after the UFC tours some back water fuckhole in Asia at some ridonk hour in the morning that I won't be up for.

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