The report cards: Gus vs Rumble


Ok, before anyone says this cartoon is anachronistic because Anthony Johnson lost to Josh Koscheck before Jon Jones had even fought Matt Hamill, I need to tell you to stop being a Sally brownnoser. Nobody cares about your precious "mma knowledge" and your "facts" and your "reality." I sure don't care about those things. Which is probably why I shitpicked in the money pool last night.

Yes, it's true, your humble narrator took a page from the bald failure that is Mr. G Smith and used my bed as a toilet last night. I'm even lucky that mmaplayground for some reason forgot to put two of the fights on the board because I lost those too. My performance last night was very much like the above image. I got taken taken down, roughed up, and choked out.

Well, Rumble went and ruined the fucking party last night, like so many talented assholes have in the past. Just like shithead Fabricio Werdum fucked up the destined Fedor vs Alistair Overeem fight. Just like Carlos Condit fucked up the Nick Diaz vs GSP fight (which happened anyway, thanks to the generous whining of fans). Just like Dennis Siver... oh wait, he got wrecked, didn't he? Never mind. The point is, Alexander Gustafsson gave Jon Jones the worst five rounds of his MMA career and most fans have been waiting to see a sixth round ever since. Anthony Johnson has decided he wants a piece of that action instead, so he better fucking deliver.

Old school awards

Fight of the Night: None, they fucking sucked
KO of the Night: Sam Sicilia
Submission of the Night: Nikita Krylov

Flyweight [125]: Neil Seery (A-) vs Chris Beal (C+)
Result: Seery def Beal via UD (30-27, 29-28, 29-28)

It was strange seeing Chris Beal's name on a fight for midgets because he was already wrecking guys at 135 pounds. And although goblin-faced Neil Seery was sporting a 14-10 record coming into the fight, he put on a good performance against Brad Pickett in which he showed good cardio and a lot of speed. Much like his pale white skin under an Irish sun, Seery's speed advantage shined last night when it counted.

It was clear Beal had the better power, but his one-punch efforts had little effect against the hyperactive leprechaun. It's up for debate whether Beal won the first round, but Seery soon took over for the rest of the fight. Anyone watching the corners during rounds could have predicted that would happen as Beal looked like he was trying to find an oxygen mask and nearly KOed himself looking for a stool.

Heavyweight [265]: Viktor Pesta (F) vs Konstantin Erokhin (F)
Result: Pesta def Erokhin via UD (30-27, 30-27, 29-28)

Really, 'Big? An F for both? One guy won, right? Fuck no. If you think that then go and take up a methamphetamine addiction because your brain won't be more damaged than it is right now. No, this fight fucking sucked. I've seen better scraps picking up my kid from preschool. Those two Eurotrash should be dumped like a '97 techno track.

The fight started well enough, as can crushing newcomer Erokhin cracked Pesta's chin once or 20 times in the first few minutes. But hulking fat boy Pesta got a takedown midway through the first round and soon exposed the Russkie's white belt ground game. Amazingly, two of the judges gave Pesta the first round for motorboating Erokhin with his moobs. No matter, Pesta won the rest of the fight with takedowns that were so telegraphed that Stephen Hawkins would have time to steer his wheelchair out of the way.


Featherweight [145]: Mirsad Bektic (C) vs Paul Redmond (F)
Result: Bektic def Redmond via UD (30-27, 30-27, 30-25)

When I was about 12 years old my parents dragged me on vacation to Cuba at Veradero Beach. While it might sound like I'm a whiny bitch complaining about being taken to a white sandy beach, nothing is worse than being an extremely horny pre-teen having to be surrounded by women in bikinis trying to cover up a perma-hardon sticking through your swim trunks.

One night while partaking in some tourist open air dancing they stopped the incessant Spanish music and put on Lionel Richie's All Night Long (I'm fucking old, OK, I'm old). Gathering all of my courage I walked up to a girl I had spotted earlier in the night to see whether I could get a slow dance going.

From beneath a mop of shaggy '80s hair came back a decidedly male voice. I had just propositioned some androgynous little shit who was now no doubt wondering whether he wanted to be as gay as the boy who just asked him for a dance. I quickly tried to joke it off but it was too late, the awkward proposition had happened. As it turned out the boy was not gay, nor was he flattered he'd been asked to slow dance to Lionel Richie.

The point of the story is that this was one of the worst, most embarrassing moments of my life. I mean, it's not like I banged a Thai tranny by mistake but this was not a good start to my hopes to begin a life of heterosexuality. Yet still, I would rather relive that moment a thousand times over again... than watch Mirsad fucking Bektic hump the worst fighter Ireland has ever produced.

Lightweight [155]: Mairbek Taisumov (A-) vs Anthony Christodoulou (F)
Result: Taisumov def Christodoulou via KO in Round 2

If every Greek person is as fat, lazy and untalented as the mouthbreathing freak we saw in Stockholm last night, then it's no wonder their economy is the septic tank of the European Union. I don't think I've ever seen a 155er with that much loose flesh on his stomach. What was even more amazing was how utterly slow and useless he looked. How does a person go on a seven fight winning streak with that kind of physique? And if he's an example of the creme de la creme in fighting, how has Greece not been conquered by a superior civilization and its people put to the sword?

Anyway, Mairbek Taisumov absolutely fucking wrecked this child. If I had to give Christodoulou any credit at all it's that he was able to take it for far longer than his appearance would predict. Every time Taisumov's leg smashed into flabby's fat factory I thought he was going to curl into a fetal position and upchuck his souvlaki. Sparta would not be proud.


Light Heavyweight [205]: Nikita Krylov (A) vs Stanislav Nedkov (D)
Result: Krylov def Nedkov via submission in Round 1

Nedkov should've stayed Deadkov. His two year absence from the octagon wasn't missed and his minute and a half survival in the cage with Krylov didn't change that at all. Nedkov didn't seem to have much of a strategy in this one. He looked slow and sloppy, both in his looping punches and flailing takedowns.

Nikita Krylov, on the other hand, continues to be an interesting prospect. Much like when gigantic Dutch freak Stefan Struve entered the UFC, Krylov is a young 22-year-old who seems to fight fairly regularly. Since his UFC debut 17 months ago he's already competed five times. And although he's 3-2 in that time, one of those losses was to Sao Palelei at heavyweight, and the other to top 10 fighter Ovince St. Preux in his light heavyweight debut. With two first round wins in a row, his huge size and reach, and his relative toughness, I think he could make an impact down the road. Note his submission last night was basically the same way Jon Jones dispatched Lyoto Machida.

Featherweight [145]: Makwan Amirkhani (A) vs Andy Ogle (F)
Result: Amirkhani def Ogle via TKO in Round 1

In some ways I feel bad for Andy Ogle. He has about a quarter inch of brain and a quarter ton of heart. Unfortunately you need brain in this industry. This stupid fucking twat basically doesn't have one. The exact (EXACT) same move that Maximo Blanco used on Ogle last fight (not once, but TWICE) was utilized by Amirkhani to finish the fight in eight seconds.

I don't know how you recover from an embarrassment like that. I suppose if you're like me you wait 30 years and then confess it on an MMA blog. I guess some guys have had success following similar anal destruction: Cub Swanson after Jose Aldo comes to mind. But if you're Andy Ogle, you went 0-4 in the UFC and the best highlights in your last fight was getting a double legged takedown on the ref, it might be time to think about finding a job more suited to your talents. Dishwasher or McDonald's cashier sounds about right.

As for Amirkhani, I know he was excited but I don't know about "performance of the night." He basically watched tape on Blanco, realized Ogle is clinically braindead, and the rest must have been simple execution. I have to say, his name might make Americans feel quite weird cheering for him. It's clearly some kind of Muslim name (which is scary) but it basically sounds like you're saying "American-ee" which would make you want to finish the sentence with "fuck, yeah." Amirkhani, fuck yeah. Saving the motherfucking world from shitty British TUF rejects.

Welterweight [170]: Kenny Robertson (A) vs Sultan Aliev (D)
Result: Robertson def Aliev via KO in Round 1

Sometimes you just gotta shake your head. Sultan Aliev is supposedly a 2014 world combat sambo champion... who fucking got taken down by a scrub like Kenny Robertson in the first minute. Robertson, who was an NCAA division 1 "qualifier" for fuck sakes.

And since Aliev is from Dagestan, you have to assume he knows Khabib Nurmagomedov. And if you know Khabib, why the fuck aren't you learning how to fight from him? Aliev should have been the one initiating the clinch, getting the bodylock, scoring the takedowns. Instead he was doing his best impression of Forrest Griffin against Anderson Silva. And look, I'm no fucking Sensei Segal, but that hands down spinning backkick was one of the worst displays of martial arts since Harold Howard at UFC 3.

As for Robertson, he's continued to show surprising results inside the cage. I mean, he's definitely your grinder who has very little natural born talent, but he seems to work hard and gives himself opportunities. It seems Fight IQ counts for a lot these days.


Welterweight [170]: Nico Musoke (B-) vs Albert Tumenov (A)
Result: Tumenov def Musoke via UD (29-28, 29-28, 29-28)

You've got to feel for Niko Musoke. If MMA were only one five minute round he might be undefeated in the UFC. Unfortunately it isn't and he isn't. Much like his fight against Kelvin Gastelum, Musoke took it to Tumenov in the first round with hard leg kicks from range. It didn't take long before the Russkie's ribs looked pink enough to make American mouths start watering.

But in the second round Tumenov showed why he's such a dangerous fighter. With one of the best offensive jabs since Georges St-Pierre was seen fighting Josh Koscheck, Tumenov battered his opponent from range while continuing to banquet on rib kicks. As Musoke's face opened up like a buffet his kicks started fading, losing their snap and coming slower. Tumenov merely had to turn it up a notch and stay patient.

I have to say, I think Tumenov impressed me the most last night. His boxing was superb. He moved in and out expertly, moved his head away from kicks and punches deftly, and never seemed to get tired doing it. Short of facing a really powerful wrestler I don't see many guys standing in his way at 170.

Featherweight [145]: Sam Sicilia (A) vs Akira Corassani (C-)
Result: Sicilia def Corassani via KO in Round 1

I was a little surprised so many people thought Sicilia was going to knockout Corassani. After all, Sicilia had been choked out in two of his last three fights and his only recent KO was against glass-chinned Godofredo Pepey. According to Joe Rogan, you'd think Sicilia carried lethal weapons around. I mean, dude was 2-4 in his last six coming into the fight.

As for Corassani, it's true he was coming off back-to-back losses by TKO, but he looked quite good against some of the division's best fighters. Nevertheless, I was wrong. Sicilia came out quite relaxed and stalked Corassani along the cage. I wasn't very comfortable with Akira's willingness to engage in the brawl early on and it didn't take long for it to cost him the fight. He showed much better Fight IQ against Dustin Poirier, against whom he lasted at least one round. Sicilia redeemed himself quite a bit with that win, but let's not start praising him until he starts batting above .500.


Light Heavyweight [205]: Ryan Bader (D) vs Phil Davis (C-)
Result: Bader def Davis via SD (29-28, 28-29, 29-28)

Even before Bruce Buffer read the scores I knew the robbery was coming. After all, this is the UFC in 2015 and robberies are all we get now. And anyway, something made me happy Phil Davis was robbed. The man has to be the biggest waste of raw talent I've ever seen. A mutant physique, superhuman strength, and a decent chin. But after dispatching Alexander Gustafsson in 2010 what the fuck has he done since?

The man's striking is appalling. You'd think in the last five years he could improve. I mean, look at the one-trick ponies from Brazil like Fabricio Werdum, Rafael dos Anjos and Raphael Assuncao. These guys started as BJJ fighters years ago but have since become some of the elite hands in their respective divisions. I mean, it can fucking be done. Why, then, did Phil Davis and Ryan Bader look like a rematch between Jake Shields and Yoshihiro Akiyama?

Not that Ryan Bader gets off lightly. The man looks exactly the same as the one who graduated from TUF 8. He's still got the same awkward, stiff style, same shuffling forward, same low volume striking. How the fuck you give the fight to a man who shuffles around in a cage is beyond my MMA expertise. But fuck, I'd just be happy if I never see either fighter again. They are boring, unimaginative, safe style fighters with no redeeming features whatsoever.

Middleweight [185]: Gegard Mousasi (A+) vs Dan Henderson (F)
Result: Mousasi def Henderson via TKO in Round 1

It's time, folks. Hendo is done. Although that might be the earliest stoppage in UFC history, especially given Hendo's notoriously tough chin, I think the end result was pretty inevitable. Gegard Mousasi is a murderer when guys are injured and there was no way Hendo was going to recover.

Dan Henderson has given fans some of the most epic battles of all-time, including his war with Mauricio Rua, the shocking KO of Fedor Emelianenko, the wonderful and beloved KO of Michael Bisping, the destruction of Wanderlei Silva in Pride, and so much more. I mean, dude was at UFC 17 for fuck sakes. He's seriously OG. But it's time to go. There's no way he can throw down with the elite at the age of 44. He's still an incredible fighter but time catches up to everybody.

As for Mousasi, it's nice to see a return to the win column. If Phil Davis was ever going to get a run for his money in wasted natural talent it would be Gegard Mousasi, a man who on his best night can defeat anybody in the world, and on his worst can fight to a draw with Keith fucking Jardine. This win puts him in an interesting position in the middleweight division since he's clearly in the top 10 but has already been tested and failed twice against the number 2 and 3 ranked guys. At 29 years of age if he can get serious for real (unlike Shogun, who always promised to get serious and never did) he might just slip through the rankings to a title shot depending on who's available at any given time.

Light Heavyweight [205]: Alexander Gustafsson (F) vs Anthony Johnson (A+)
Result: Johnson def Gustafasson via TKO in Round 1

Like I said earlier, Rumble spoiled the party. Gus was supposed to wreck Johnson en route to his revenge match against Jon Jones, bringing the belt to Sweden for the first time. Not going to happen. Johnson was extremely aggressive from the outset, pushing the pace on Gustafsson in a way he'd never experienced before. Although Johnson's style was somewhat reckless for my tastes (a little Dong Hyun Kim if you ask me), that sort of style pays off in spades if you have the power and chin to back it up.

Johnson indeed had the chin to back it up, absorbing several insane counterpunches that would have felled a rhino after hurting Gus against the cage. Although the Swede battled bravely against the stanky leg dance, he fell to the canvas and apparently was too busy turtling up to realize he needed to pull guard. Surprisingly, the ref gave Gus every benefit of the doubt to recover, but it was clear that wasn't going to happen.

Rumble has definitely looked scary in his second life in the UFC, which is really bizarre since this is a man who had chronic problems making weight in both the UFC and other divisions. But now that he's found the 205 division he seems to have found the right home for the talents everybody saw when he was wrecking guys at 170 pounds (except for Josh Koscheck, who had him bitchmade).

The question is whether he can do that to the consensus heir apparent to the GOAT. Jon Jones may have had his stiffest test against Gus, but just because Johnson ruined Gus doesn't mean he'll do that to Jones. MMA math might tell you that Johnson could win but that doesn't mean shit since styles makes fights, not statistics. Jones is incredibly elusive and has faced power punchers before and come away unscathed: Glover Teixeira, Lyoto Machida, Rampage Jackson.

It does pose an interesting threat to the title though, which always makes it interesting when Jones, who is undefeated in his career, takes to the cage.

That's a wrap, as Holland would say. See you next weekend the panties-dropping fight between Anderson Silva and Nick Diaz.

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