Why 2013 kicked this MMA Fan’s @ss Part 8: August: Yes, THAT just "Hapa"ned.

Note: To those who care: Part 7D can be found here:

Why 2013 Kicked this MMA Fan's @ss Part 7D: July: He took it for granted... Act IV - The Dénouement


After the equivalent of beating me within an inch of my life and leaving me for dead, depressed, in a ditch, with 2 broken knees and amnesia in July (also called giving someone a Christy Macking), 2013 decides to turn my frown upside down with some MMA absurdity.

On August 1st, 2013, Bellator officially proclaims to their 7 followers that Tito Ortiz will come out of exile to attempt to face former training partner and fellow former UFC Light heavyweight Champion Quinton Jackson on November 2nd, 2013 at Bellator 106.

That same night, Ortiz returned to TNA (not to be confused with his ex's TnA), revealing himself as the man behind the cryptic #August1Warning tweets and YouTube videos, and staring down the Aces & Eights and The Main Event Mafia, which included Quinton Jackson.

I remember thinking: "Ugh..." and projectile vomiting.

Keep in mind that his comeback was not going to be a nostalgia fight to be booked on the same card as an Alvarez-Chandler war: This fight was going to be the headliner of Bellator's first ever pay-per-view event...

Yes, Bellator deliberately chose 2 fighters, with a combined record of 6-14 in their last 10 fights (Thank God for Rampage's record on that one!) and for whom ALL the fight footage is owned by their biggest competitor, to headline their first PPV.

As such, promo material was limited to Jackson mean mugging and Tito jogging up a hill.

I immediately placed a bet that Tito would get injured and pull out of the fight.

Back to fights that matter.

On August 3rd 2013, we were supposed to see another superfight - yup, this one was carved in stone - as the main event of UFC 163 was supposed to feature UFC Featherweight Champion, Jose Aldo taking on UFC Lightweight Champion, Anthony Pettis - in Brazil no less.

Unfortunately, Pettis had to pull out of the bout due to a knee injury and was replaced by Chan Sung Jung.

Also, Josh Koscheck was expected to face Demian Maia, but Kos had to pull out of the fight due to injury.

Thank you mythical (?) Injury Bug.

So, with all the money placed on Brazilians and/or guys with wiki pages:

_ _ _ _ / _ _ / _ _ ! ( _ _ _ /, / _ / _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ )


If Brazilian card on free TV always deliver, aside from Machida and Davis having a lackluster fight, this PPV was pretty spectacular.

Every single finish (7 in total), KO or submission, took place in the first round, except for:

  • Lineker who KTFO of wiki-less José Maria Tomé
  • Jose Aldo, when he anticlimactically defeated the Zombie via fourth round TKO, finishing Jung with a flurry of strikes after the latter suffered what can only be described as his shoulder giving up on life (Thank you Asian workmanship) while throwing an overhand right.


Two weeks later, on the eve of my birthday, 2013, to redeem itself for July, offers me a gift in the form of the very first UFC event on Fox Sports 1.

The main event was supposed to be Little Nog versus Shogun, but Nog pulled out citing a back injury. The Nogs are the equivalent of sex offenders in prison. They don't last long.

So Chael Sonnen stepped in.

However on August 7th Unite Here and the Massachusetts chapter of the National Organization for Women complained to the Massachusetts boxing commission asking them to not license Chael Sonnen.

He was still without a licence 10 days prior to the fight.

In the end, things worked out for him and he showed up particularly huge compared to Shogun at the weigh-ins.

Something was also definitely different about Alistair's physique too. His fight against Travis Browne was his chance to redeem himself for the Bigfoot fiasco, but he seemed a little deflated for lack of a better word.

This was the rest of the main card:

Urijah Faber vs. Iuri Alcantara
Matt Brown vs. Mike Pyle
John Howard vs. Uriah Hall
Michael Johnson vs Joe Lauzon

And here are your prelims:

Michael McDonald vs Brad Pickett
Conor McGregor vs Max Holloway
Steven Siler vs Mike Brown
Diego Brandao vs. Daniel Pineda
Manvel Gamburyan vs. Cole Miller
St. Preux vs. Cody Donovan
James Vick vs Ramsey Nijem

On free fucking TV.

Merci, 2013.


Even though this card cost me a lot of money in terms of gambling, it was turning out to be the perfect card until Uriah Hall and John Howard decided to channel their inner Borats and turn the fight into:

"You punch me in the face! High Five!"

"Oh that was a nice high kick you hit me with: High Five!"

Hug, Hug, Kiss Kiss, Cup ball sack. Milk prostate. Rejoice.

Nobody won that fight.

After coming off like a genuine killer and the next Anderson Silva on his TUF season:

Uriah manages to once again dismiss that aura of invincibility and now has his back against the wall, with the potential of unemployment should he lose his next fight.


He was supposed to run over Kevin Gastelum and win the ultimate fighter, instead he lost a split decision because:

"...his emotional side, stemming from liking and training with Kelvin had gotten the best of him."

So that's how he decided to approach his fight against Howard?

Lucky for us, up next was Matt Brown and he brought his usual bag of fucks to the fight.

Like always, the bag was empty and he KTFO of Mike Pyle faster than I was able to type this sentence.

Urijah and Iuri fought to a decision in favor of the California Middle Aged Man Kid.

Up next the Heavyweights and Alistair fought like an idiot once again. (Methinks his fight IQ is actually -1).

One would assume that after the savage thrashing endured at the hands of the Missing Link, Overeem would have learned not to fight using the "hands down-chin up" technique. Nope. Not Alistair.

True, he was beating the life out of Browne but then he gassed... that's fine.

It's the total lack of defense that is identical to the Bigfoot fight that is the issue:


I had such high hopes for Alistair. But if you're gonna be a dick (see buildup to fight against Bigfoot) and fight like a fool, might as well go out in Schaub-like fashion.

And then it's time for the main event of the evening!

It's the "I'm leery of three sided geometrical shapes and don't exactly have dynamite in my fists" Gansta versus Shogun.

And it took Chael just one round to submit Shogun via guillotine choke. Chael finally sleeps at night knowing that not only can he get caught but catch with them as well.

Shogun looked finished in that fight. Like he was 31 with the body of an Auschwitz survivor. He was gassed halfway through round 1.Too many wars. Too much damage.

Come to think of it, both Overeem and Rua looked like they were going to cry after their fights.

I don't blame them.


Two weeks later, it's UFC Fight Night on Sports 1: Condit Kampmann 2, with Donald Cerrone versus Rafael dos Ajos as co-main event.


All finishes on the undercard except for Darren Elkins defeating Hatsu (Gesundheit!) Hioki by unanimous decision.

On the main card:

TUF winner and Uriah-Hall hype train derailer Kelvin Gastelum defeats Brian Melancon by rear naked choke in just under 2:30 minutes.

Donald Cerrone looked horrid in the first round of his unanimous defeat against dos Anjos. Sure, he finally woke up in the second, but it was too little too late. He doesn't seem to be the same dynamic fighter he used to be.

It's like Pettis took his soul with that knee off the fence and liver kick back in January.



And in the main event of the evening, in true Condit fashion, Carlos steals the show and becomes my favorite welterweight fighter - Yeah, I'm a Montrealer and I said it! - and defeats Martin Kampmann via TKO with knees and punches 1 minute into the fourth round.


Just three (3!) days later, it's UFC 164, Pettis versus Henderson, with Josh Barnett versus Frank Mir in the co-main event.


Al Iaquinta gives Ryan Couture his second loss in the UFC in as many fights. In a move everyone saw coming, Zuffa cuts the last remaining tie with the Couture family and Ryan is subsequently released from his contract.

Newcomer Soa Palelei finishes Nikita Krylov via 3rd round TKO.

Ben Rothwell TKOed Brandon Vera in the 3rd, but his win would be turned into a no contest after he tested positive for high testosterone.

To the cheers of many, Chad Mendes TKOed Clay Guida, also in the third.

The War Master Josh Barnett made his UFC return and brutally TKOed Frank Mir in the first with a big knee. The stoppage was deemed premature and Mir even popped right back up and contested it. I look at it as an act of mercy. Frank went totally limp after that knee and was well on his way to eating lots of strawberries again.

And in the main event of the evening, it took Anthony Pettis just four minutes and thirty-one seconds to defeat Benson Henderson by way of armbar

August Folklore and Tidbits

Despite holding the spot as the # 2 earner of all time behind only Chuck Liddell with fight purses and reported bonuses adding up to $4,075,000 since the start of 2004, Tito Ortiz compares fighting in the UFC to slavery. Louis Farrakhan shits himself.

A potential fight between Chael Sonnen and Phil Davis is announced. A collective "Meh" is let out by the MMA community.

To the dismay of many (OK, just me) Florida stops MMA bout between fighters with Down's syndrome and cerebral palsy. Say it ain't so. (say that last sentence very slowly).

James "Whitey" Bulger, the man responsible for running UFC President Dana White out of Boston and into the open arms of the Fertitta brothers in Las Vegas, was found guilty of racketeering and murder charges.

Chael Sonnen and Joe Lauzon co-found the Institute for Boring Ass Fighters.

In a classic: One can't pass a piss test and the other can't pass up piss, the UFC calls Nick Diaz and offers him a potential fight against Lyoto Machida.

This is the official transcript:

Joe Silva: Hey Nick, we got a fight for you: Lyoto Machida.

Nick Diaz: "Like fucking way man...fuck that homie....that dude like um...drinks his piss and stuff...what the fuck who does that! Who the fuck ingests urine homie? way man..he's like gonna what...piss on me and shit... or get pee in my eye....dude, I'm not gay!" *CLICK*

Joe Silva: Nick? Nick?

Quote of the Month

"Now I'm a fucking slave master, or whatever Tito called me. That fucking buffoon. How about this fucking moron coming out and saying he was a slave. Do you even know...I shouldn't even ask that question if he knows what being a slave means, because he's one of the dumbest motherfuckers you will ever meet. Seriously, he's a slave to stupidity is what he is."

Dana White, responding to Tito Ortiz's slavery remarks.


That does it for August. Thank you for reading. Coming up next (see above): Why 2013 Kicked this MMA Fan's @ss Part 9: September: Bones Gets Mauled

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