Before we get started, the only thing more exciting than this Saturday's main event is the idea that Nick Diaz is going to lay down a Henry VIII level of ultra violence on George Safe Pierre sometime in an unscheduled match for after February when the Stockton fighter's Drugs Are Bad Mmmmmmmmkay suspension is up. The idea of GSP versus Diaz has me more excited than the time I discovered as a kid that the porn channels were still watchable in blue and white.
Look, I know you're all disappointed that GSP isn't going to get knocked out in 14 seconds by a man who weighs 50 pounds more than he does, or that he won't get to face a guy who won a split decision by a cunt hair over a man GSP defeated 50-45 effortlessly two years ago... but too fucking bad for you. Diaz versus GSP. It's happening. Get over it.
Scott Jorgensen versus John Albert
Scottie may have lost back to back fights, but they were against the creme-de-la-fucking-creme of the Midget-weight division, for fuck sakes. Albert, meanwhile, got nearly beaten to death by a man he had in a fucking triangle choke.
Jorgensen by brutal, fainting couch required for old ladies, KNOCKOUT in round 1
Dennis Siver versus Nam PHRAN
Hm, this is a tough one. What's going to happen when one of the most technical featherweights in the UFC goes up against a man with half a brain cell's worth of strategy? Much like Sasha Grey, Phran can take a pounding to the face and survive three rounds. But that's about it.
Siver by total, unquestionable, undenial domination
Tims Means versus some fucking guy
Although I'd love to give some fucking guy a chance, I just can't be bothered to type his name into Google. Fuck him.
Means by horrific, fight-replay-rewinding, slobbering knockout in round 1
Daron Cruickshank versus Henry Martinez
You know what? It's not Daron's fault his parents spelled his name like a retard. Or maybe it is. I'm not sure. Either way, I don't like his stupid face. It makes me angry just looking at it. Based on that evidence ALONE, I'm picking Martinez. Just let him bang, bro.
Martinez by midget-inspired power, the dude went toe-to-toe with Matt Retard Riddle
Ramsey Nijem versus Joe Proctor
Look, Ramsey might like to stick the soap a little too far up his nether regions when he's showering, but I've never held that against a man. Hell, next time you're in the shower, give it a try. It's not that bad. Anyway, Nijem is going to take Joe down, hump the heterosexuality out of him, and rear-naked choke the life out of him.
Nijem by Dakota Cochrane's favourite go-to move
Raphael Assuncao versus Mike Easton
Easton is one of the most overrated motherfuckers since the character of Bane in the new Batman movie. Seriously, why the fuck do people like that movie? You can't hear a word fuckface is saying, you can't read his facial expressions, and there's no point to his entire character. He's not intimidating, he's basically a juice monkey with a stupid mask. He's like if Phil Baroni decided to take on Gotham.
Assuncao by whatever he wants because fuck Mike Easton
Yves Edwards versus Jeremy Stephens
Although this fight won't be as one-sided as the dude Stephens beat into unconsciousness in Des Moines, it's going to be very similar.
Stephens by harnessing his inner jailbird rage with a referee stoppage in round 3
Mike Swick versus Matt Brown
Even a guy who's been absent from MMA for three years and could barely beat an overweight Damarques Johnson should be able to put down Matt Brown. The thing is, Matt's a tough sumbitch with decent skills. If he were a professional hockey player he'd be your fourth line bench rider, put out there to kill penalties and pick a fight, maybe double hand axe swing to the back of the leg of the best player on the other team. Swick, on the other hand, is more your third line center. He's not great, but he still makes $3 million a year for it.
Swick by bony elbows to the face, followed by a sick, gurgling sound as he's choked from behind in round 2
BJ Penn versus Rory MacDonald
BEE-JAY! BEE-JAY! BEE-JAY! If you hear yourself uttering these sounds, put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Just do yourself that favour. BJ Penn is going to let you down. Again. And I don't want to see that happen. I care about you. I worry about your safety. Look, Rory MacDonald is going to utterly skullfuck BJ Penn. Rory is Georges St-Pierre circa 2004, before he became "safe". He's a killer. I know BJ is motivated. I know he's in shape. I know he's going to come out gangbusters. I know he might win the first round. I also know Rory is going to lay an absolute ass-pounding on him after the initial rush.
Rory Mac by BACK ACNE POWER and the judges' decision
Mauricio Rua versus Alexander Gustafsson
When I heard this fight was booked I immediately picked the Vegetable Lasagna eater. I mean, Shogun is similar to the other Brazilian he easily outpointed, Thiago Silva, and I figured he's going to do the same thing. But, actually, Shogun is different than Silva in many ways. For one, he's an absolute fucking killer. For another, he's got a chin made of the black box they put in the fucking Space Shuttle. Is he going to gas? Yes. Is he going to be slow? Yes. But is he going to land a ridonkulously brutal uppercut to the chin of Gustafsson. Holy fucking shit, yes.
Rua by painful-to-witness uppercut violence to the chin resulting in referee stoppage in round 2
Nate Diaz versus some fucking guy who won a bullshit decision over the real champion, Frankie Edgar
What can I say? Diaz is going to pepper Bendo with punches for two rounds, battering his pretty face with pap pap pap, until Bendo tries to wrestle. He'll jump into something stupid, Diaz will choke the tongue out of his mouth, and then mean mug for the camera while 209 haters everywhere sob like bitches, and ask their boyfriends to make them pancakes to cheer them up.
Diaz by SUBMISSION in the third round, causing Bendo's loudmouth mama to shut her trap.