By Jesse Holland
Episode four begins with the quotidian recap and everyone is just as surprised as Billy that John opted to shoot and take him down during last week's fight. Jared summed it up best: "It was disgusting, dude".
An angry Hughes spits on the legacy of Yogi Berra and informs his fighters that fighting is 50% physical and 50% mental. Warmly welcoming anything that requires only 50% physicality, Blake's eyes get a little Heaven's Gate-ish as he starts hopping in place.
Team Hughes thinks that Serra's next pick will be a perceived "weak link" to which Paul and Blake immediately make eye contact.
Blake in particular is concerned that Coach Serra might see him as just a bum. With an official record of 0 wins and 0 losses, I'm confident that opinion may stretch a little beyond Matt Serra.
Over at Camp Serra the boys have gathered for a little roundtable action to determine who is the next pick. Jon Koppenhaver likes the idea of fighting Blake because it seems like the easiest 5k he'll ever make.
Serra immediately compares him to Gabe Ruediger (ouch) who tried to call out Wayne Weems in secret during season five. Personally I don't agree with Serra. Taking the path of least resistance may not be the most macho strategy, but what does bravado mean if you don't make it to the semifinals?
Someone has to ice the cupcakes, it might as well be Koppenhaver.
During the fight picks we learn that Serra will match Richie Hightower against Blake Bowman. Also known as the yawn heard 'round the world. Richie tries his best Ivan Drago and deadpans: "I will crush him like Stalin".
I guess that makes Blake his Leon Trotsky.
Speaking of obscure references, Blake spends the rest of the day cracking jokes like it's open-mic night at the Improv. You may be a nice guy Blake, but as far as the humor goes you're no Forrest Griffin.
Mac has a soft spot for the Blakester and tries to give him some pointers for the fight. I'm not sure if Mac's more anti-Hightower than pro-Blake, but during the exercise Blake reminds him that he's not Cro Cop.
The way Mirko's been fighting lately Blake's probably a lot closer than he thinks.
In one of those sound bytes that's sure to come back and haunt him, Blake manages to make his shot at the UFC sound like a line from The Birdcage:
"There it is...I can stare at it...or open the package and play with it."
I guess since this is a recap I'm obligated to mention the interior bruising that Blake suffered during training. Picture the look of disinterest by Hughes and you pretty much have my feelings on the matter.
Things finally start to get interesting as Dorian gets a little lightheaded and has to be taken out of training. With the pain of his loss still lingering, he becomes choked up over the whole situation and then completely unravels when the cameraman gets in his face for some closeups.
Dorian tries a Mary-Kate, running to the other side of the gym and hiding his face under a shirt. I guess the concept of the zoom lens is lost on a hothead like Dorian and when he catches the crew still doing their job he takes exception and OH MY GOD HE'S WALKING TOWARDS THE CAMERA MAN! MENACINGLY!
And that was it. Not appropriate behavior but not exactly Margot Kidder either. We then get about ten minutes of Dorian feeling guilty and Dana eventually comes in to give him the proverbial slap on the wrist.
Before you know it everyone is back in the gym, laughing and playing while they grapple. Dorian decides he can speak for the rest of the black community and gives Dana their seal of approval.
Anticlimactic to say the least.
Team Serra is the first group back at the house and lo and behold a birthday cake is sitting on the counter waiting for Blake. Apparently it's his birthday and whoops, the producers must have accidentally left it out in the open - complete with cake decorating tools.
Well Jon knows an opportunity when he sees one and slowly and ever so deliberately writes Happy Birthday Blake on the face of the cake. Later that night, a grateful Blake shares his cake with the rest of the house as the guys shoot the breeze and pat each other on the backs.
In an unrelated note, the producer who planted the cake was found unconscious in his Buick with a potato shoved in the tailpipe.
Mac goes on record to profess his hatred for Richie because he wears his hat in a goofy fashion. I've got news for you Mac, you had better be prepared to hate a quarter of the male population.
It's the day of the fight and Blake proudly announces that his stand-up has improved 100% since he's been there. Since he's only been there about a week or so, I'll have to assume it was pretty rancid to begin with.
Prior to the fight each combatant gets a chance to deliver a message:
Richie: "I'm in it to win it."
Blake: "You're gonna eat bunches of punches."
Compelling stuff. Round one begins with a nice leg kick from Richie. Blake tries one of his own and they tie up. Richie pushes him to the cage and eats a knee for his efforts. Richie starts throwing uppercuts and forces Blake to back away. Richie drops him with a punch (or Blake slips - depending on who you ask). Richie mounts and drops bombs until the fight is stopped.
I don't want to disrespect Blake, but there has got to be someone out there who applied for this show that is better qualified. For there to be a fighter with a 0-0 record in season six says a lot about the problems many people (including myself) have with the way the show is constructed.
Four episodes, four first round snoozers.
Stay tuned next week as Mac gets bitter, Team Serra rebukes him, and Paul gets an unpleasant call from home. Hopefully they remember to show a fight.
See you then!
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