By Jesse Holland
Episode three of The Ultimate Fighter 6 begins with a recap from last week's fight that was almost as long as the fight itself. The contestants give their thoughts on the fight but when it doesn't get past the first round there isn't a whole lot to analyze.
The first sight of Joe-ah has me questioning my commitment to this program but fortunately the next scene is of him on his back getting hammered and I decide to ride it out.
It's time for the fight picks and Hughes picks Billy Miles to fight John Kolosci. Naturally Serra is all smiles and comments that Hughes made a bad choice.
Billy goes from Brad Imes to Josh Haynes as the camera zooms in on pictures of his rugrat and we get our first gratuitous piano solo of the night. Billy explains that he fights for his son's honor and when he's getting pounded on during the fight he will just mumble his name and find the strength to overcome.
Hopefully Coach Hughes doesn't get wind of this or he might ask Billy to mumble Seth's name instead.
We immediately get round two of the piano music for Matt's heart-to-heart with his team about his biological clock. He also pins the blame for his lackluster performance in recent fights on his lack of commitment during training.
Somewhere in Canada, Georges St. Pierre is filing a plagiat suit.
John Kolosci, mugging for the camera like Guy Smiley, gives hope to working-class stiffs around the country with his inspirational story about working for a multibillion-dollar company and fighting on the side only to find himself on the cusp of a dream.
Since I get reprimanded for using the two measly sick days I'm "awarded" each year, I'd love to know where John works so that I can send over my resume. Six weeks off at the beginning of the fiscal year sounds just fine to me.
The guys get some time off to watch UFC 72 and Coach Hughes brings his team some chicken wings from the local grease pit. Apparently they were cooked in Hughes' armpits based on the stains he flashed us on his shirt.
Coach Serra comes in empty handed and Hughes has a laugh over the fact that he hooked his fighters up with some grub and Serra did not. I'm getting the feeling that we have a short fight coming up since this is the kind of stuff that's getting airtime.
Later that evening Joe grabs some booze and starts whining again and I started fantasizing that Matt would press a button and send Joe tumbling down a shoot to an underground lair where he would be devoured by a rancor.
Somehow men are born with the innate ability to detect an alcoholic beverage being opened from up to 300 yards away. Think of a cat and a can of tuna and you get the idea.
One by one the other guys in the house saunter in and what starts as a pity-party for Joe turns into Lord of the Flies as the cast goes berserk and trashes everything in sight. A couple of idiots take turns punching themselves in the face and smashing garbage can lids over their heads.
Normally I'd be shocked that alcohol could spark such bizarre behavior but I've heard that reading the prologue to Opening Day at Great American Ballpark has the same effect.
Serra gets wind of the latest on Joe and actually tells him that if he walks out on the show, he walks out on his job at Serra Jiu-Jitsu. Drago gets on and gives a very funny boo-hoo speech.
Dana returns from Ireland and gives Joe the same lecture everyone else did. He does get a laugh for saying "I don't want to give the same old ‘Do you wanna be a fighter' speech" but I must confess this was as good a place as any to use it. He even warns him that going home will end any chance of a career in the UFC.
One thing about Joe, you can't say he wasn't warned.
Finally, mercifully, Joe calls it quits and spares us any more episodes that revolve around him being homesick. They should have made him take the walk of shame that SEAL recruits take but at that point I was just happy to see him go.
John sums it up best: "That guy is just a little bitch"
We get back to training and Billy Miles looks as healthy as Christian Bale in The Machinist as he tries to cut from 189 to 170 lbs. Unfazed, Billy remarks about John: "I'll grind him until he breaks". Having a career in high-pressure sales, I can appreciate his mentality.
In one of the biggest WTF? moments in recent TUF memory, the camera is locked on Billy hitting the heavy bag and inexplicably pans upward to a mural of Ken Shamrock. It briefly pauses and slowly returns to Billy. Dear God I hope there isn't a hidden message there.
It's the day of the fight and John wakes up with chills and shortness of breath. He's either suffering from a touch of the flu or the touch of a teammate. The way staph has been going around lately I'd be training inside a plastic bubble.
The fight begins and admittedly I have little invested in either fighter. I'm not sure if it was the time wasted on Joe or the fact that once again we have six minutes left in the show and no punches have been thrown.
Round one starts with some circling and feeling out. Billy throws a stiff right and John decides he's gonna roll the dice and shoot. Billy almost fights it off but John finishes it and slams him to the mat.
John can't do much from the top except throw the occasional strike and that allows Billy to escape and reverse position. Billy does practically nothing himself except hold on tight ala Herring/O'Brien.
John looks over at Serra like he's on The Price Is Right looking into the crowd for a price on dish soap. Serra tells him to breath and John finds his arm under Billy's neck almost by accident.
John applies a guillotine in what could easily challenge Danzig's triangle as the slowest submission attempt in the history of The Ultimate Fighter. Trapped and broken, Billy quickly taps.
I guess he couldn't mumble his son's name with John's arm around his throat.
John wins and Serra is one happy camper. Hughes looks like he was just stood up at the prom. Dana has a laugh over the fact that Billy choked both literally and figuratively. I'm sure Billy appreciated that.
Another episode is in the books and I'm not exactly overwhelmed. It hasn't been terrible and I know it's only episode three, but I just have that feeling that we've already covered this material. The previews did show some pretty wild stuff so I remain optimistic.
Stay tuned next week as Matt gets his mad on, Dorian stomps around the crew like Godzilla in Tokyo, and someone runs the risk of going home.
See you then!
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