Recap: The Ultimate Fighter (TUF) 5 episode 3

By Jesse Holland
Special to UFCmania

It's clobberin' time as Episode 3 delivers a fight worthy enough to keep us watching for another week. We start off with the requisite recap from last week's action, or lack thereof, and we seem to be picking up right where we left off.

We learn BJ is still irritated that Team Pulver is in control, Gabe is still shaped like a jelly donut, and Nate continues to hold a grudge against Emerson for his wall graffiti.

Team Penn gets ready for a day of training and Gabe makes it a point to advertise his desire to get a colonic. He asks Dana for permission to skip training to go fishing for brown trout and Dana nonchalantly says "Yeah" like he was asking to borrow a pen.

Assistant trainer Tony DeSouza isn't impressed and calls out Gabe's colon in front of the rest of the team. Gabe shrugs it off and reminisces about his last colonic that took place in Thailand.

Wow.

I know Thailand is known for its Muay Thai but it's also known for water pollution and Reye's Syndrome. Not exactly the kind of place where I'd want to have water shot into my rectum.

Team Pulver on the other hand is presenting Manny with the phony belt they made to congratulate whoever wins each week. I hear next week's winner also gets a scratch ‘n sniff sticker and a coupon for free ice cream.

Down at the gym Corey continues to draw attention to himself by screaming incoherently. You're fired up Corey, we get it. Like my father-in-law once said: Empty barrels make the most noise.

Jeremy Horn drops in as guest trainer for Team Pulver and Corey endears himself to the MMA world by asking who Jeremy Horn is. Unfazed, Gumby proceeds with the thankless role of grappling with him and even delivers an Oscar worthy-speech about how great Corey will be if he can find a good camp. The segment ends with Corey walking like one of the bugs from Starship Troopers.

Refusing to be outdone by a seven-foot diapheromera femorata, Gabe brings us to a place we didn't want to go: His anus. At the colon clinic, a female therapist lays him down and talks him through the process of self-penetration.

From there we get a few close-ups of Gabe grimacing and what started as a show about combat sports has quickly turned into a bad porno. I'm sure Gabe thought he was in pain but believe me it was no picnic on this end either. Anyone familiar with the Swedish Chef can understand how quickly I tore up my couch looking for the remote.

It's time for the fight picks and Nate calls out Emerson. They stare each other down and Dana remarks about how you can predict the quality of a fight based on the staredown. If that were true James Thompson would be 20-0.

In fairness Dana does get a laugh from me when he describes the Diaz brothers as "Angry at everyone". Nick fans can appreciate that one (especially after the Riggs-Hospital incident).

The weigh-in and fight preparation are relatively uneventful but I could swear I saw Emerson toasting marshmallows right before bed. Not that it's a big deal but he just finished talking about how Nate Diaz is just a kid and does things that you would expect from someone that age.

The fight ensues and the first round is stand-up 101. Lots of clinching with a good exchange of punching and knees. No big shots are landed but things are moving at a brisk pace. The round ends pretty much even but Nate was the more aggressive of the two.

Round two starts much the same way but Diaz begins turning up the heat. He scores repeated takedowns and then wraps himself around Emerson like a boa constrictor. Emerson starts fading away as Diaz lands punches at will and comes close to several arm submissions. A gassed and beaten Emerson finally gives up his back and gets choked out to end the fight. A win for Diaz and Team Pulver.

The fight was exciting and action-packed but I'm not sure I would call it the best of all time. Stay tuned for next week when Marlon finds his balls, Jens get a lil' evil, and the Champ returns. See you then!