This week, on Wednesday, I ended up taking a trip down to Seattle to pick up a fresh Trek Session 9.9 from a close out sale at a bike store in Bellingham. (I hit Seattle anyways, since I love that town, and the GF had never been there.) I got to the border, when for whatever reason was told to park the vehicle in an inspection area, and answer some questions... I really had no idea what the hell the deal was so I inquired inside. (I'm driving a 2008 Honda CRV, and am dressed as respectful as a gangster can get.) They ask me some simple questions, and apparently I was flagged because I was just heading down only for the day. Apparently if you answer yes, you're a drug dealer and you will be checked. Who knew?
I told them my intentions, and was set free. The reason I share this is because I had a similar experience back in 2004, except it was much more interesting.
Me and a friend were headed down to Ozzfest in Auburn in the summer of 2004. This lineup was incredible, basically every favorite metal band of mine was playing during 13 hours of non stop mayhem. We pull up to the booth, after waiting for 2 hours in my poor turbo 93 Integra GSR (body kit, slammed, 20" wheels, as douchey as it gets). I was but a teenage gangster at the time (19). My friend for whatever reason doesn't like authority, which truth be told, had me kind of scared, as this was my first foray into good ol' Stars and Stripes. The border guard looks me in the eyes, moves her head and looks at my friend who is preparing his ID. Let's call him Wanderlei for identity protection... He hands me his ID, and I give it to the border guard. She looks at our ID's and asks what we are there for. Wanderlei pipes up and says "we're here to rock the fuck out."
She kind of chuckles and says "Where are you headed?"
Wanderlei replies "Ozzfest, are you dense?"
Right there, I literally buried my face in my hands, as she went from smile to frown faster than I could blink. She tells me to park in the inspection area and await further instruction.
Before they came out, I begged Wanderlei to just shut the fuck up and let me talk. The guard comes out (nice enough guy) and approaches the vehicle.
His first question was where we were headed. I replied with Auburn Washington, and showed him our tickets for the show. I also explain, we will be there for 3 days, seemingly very excited.
He asks us if we could step out of the vehicle, so I agree, and Wanderlei, again speaks up and says "that's bullshit, he's just profiling us because we're young." I told him quietly "dude, seriously, shut the fuck up. I will leave you here!"
Johnny Law asks us to wait inside while he inspects the vehicle.
Inside I ask Wanderlei again to please be quiet, I had heard stories of being detained at the border, and really, that scared the shit out of me.
He starts taking stuff out of the trunk, like tools and such, pops the hood, checks all that and then tells us that we can come back out.
Now, the really fucked up part, is he didn't check the GIANT FUCKING COOLER we had in the back seat. We get in, and Wanderlei says "why wouldn't you check the cooler? If I had weapons, or drugs, why the hell wouldn't I put them in there?" He honestly thinks this could positively contribute to our situation... Who the fuck says that?!
The guard says "should I have to check in there? What do you have?
Wanderlei says "some silver bullets....."
Silver. Fucking. Bullets. (Coors light... but holy fuck way to go.)
The shit storm that followed was nothing less than terrifying. He basically screams "Get out of the fucking car!"
I'm beyond scared at this point, when 4 guards run out with what appear to be automatic weapons drawn, and we are told to lay in 2 squares near a gridded off part of the lot. They search us, rip the cooler open, and dump everything out. Once they had realized it was only beer and ice, they were kind of relieved. Wanderlei is laughing at this point (fucking asshole)
After 1 hour of them searching the vehicle AGAIN, we are told we can go, but to not pull this shit again. I swore on my life I wouldn't, Wanderlei just shrugs and says "yeah, whatever." We start driving away, and when your car is lower than OilCheck's standards, one does not simply drive over speed bumps. I had to go around, and swerved deeply into a gridded yellow area in the middle lot. I basically am crawling at this point.
I see the barrel of a gun fly in my face and I'm told "GET BACK ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING YELLOW LINE, NOW!"
I almost unconditionally released some little chocolate hostages, certain I was going to die of a heart attack. Without thinking, I dropped the clutch and basically did a massive burn out away. I didn't even look back, I seriously thought I was going to get hit with a missile from an Apache or something. We got 2 miles away and I told Wanderlei we are never traveling over the border together again. He says "Yeah, that's fine, but dude, those cunts have our beer."
A few things should be taken away from this experience.
Profile your friends. If they seem like fucking idiots, don't travel with them. You'll probably be shot. Don't be a smart ass, unless you can come off as funny the entire time. Don't bring Wanderlei on trips with you.
That dude is a dick.