So yesterday, after a long day of running numbers for some endocrine profiles, I decided it was too hot to head home (It was 41 degrees Celsius/106 Degrees Farenheit in the sun... Too fucking hot for this Gangster). I entered a shopping center close to my work and immediately head for the wonderful frozen section where I can cool my balls off. I'm over by the ice cream section, looking at Coconut Ice cream when I swear to god, I hear someone fart. I couldn't smell anything so I was actually kind of curious where it came from. I walk around the corner and see 3 people. One is an employee, a kid, and an old lady. I go back, and sort of shrug it off. I grab my awesome Mint Chocolate Chip coconut ice cream and start zig zagging through the aisles to take my sweet ass time, as the check outs are as busy as the line up to OilCheck's "Free Hand Job Booth."
I'm now over by the frozen dinners. Looking at them, disgusted by the ingredients, I hear the fucking fart again! I SLAM the door shut and there's the same old lady. I look at her, perplexed. She says to me in a chinese-english accent "why you no laugh? Farting is funny" I chuckled but not quite as hard as I originally thought I would. Much like Cartman, I think I blew a funny fuse. This story comes back into play later.
I start heading over to the cold drink section to grab a lemonade. (No more Pepsi for a year, at least. And no, this time, I'm not wearing a tie.) It is over by a Starbucks within the shopping center, I'm going through the good beverages, and I see some snotty little fucker giving his mom lip. She's trying her best, but when your child is the spawn of Satan, patience isn't exactly endless. She hands him her Frappuccino and asks him to hold it for a bit while she digs out her wallet. The kid holds it in the air and fucking throws it on the ground. As he does so, he screamed "ANOTHER!" I chuckled, but mainly held back my own rage from destroying this little turd. After seeing him "Thor" his mothers cup, I realize if I don't leave, I may kill him. Oh, and he got a good slap from his mom.
I've had enough of this place now, and head to the check out. There's a magazine at the check out that had the words on the headline: "Record Breaking Winds" on the cover, and for whatever reason, I don't know if the funny fuse fixed itself, but I start laughing. Not hard at first, but it started building up. I finally settle down, and start paying, at the checkout next to me, I see the frozen farter old lady!!! At this point, it turns into full on maniacal laughter. Like, Nicolas Cage from "Ghostrider". The clerk looks at me like I just left the puzzle factory, and I can't even explain why I'm laughing like a crazy person. I got the fuck out before they threw me in a padded cell in an "I love myself" jacket.
I've now learned that old people farting is hilarious, unless it smells terrible. Children who treat their parents like shit should be fucking thrown off a cliff like in the movie 300. And as usual, Ghostrider was a really, really terrible movie.