FanPost

Hump Day Whine!

Using a broken can opener!

Let’s give it up for the broken can opener, making the possible seem impossible for years. Holy shit! Try to open a can of crushed tomatoes with a broken can opener, and you’ll wish you were opening a can of whoop ass on Meisha Tate's titties instead. It doesn’t matter how many times you go around the can, the most you will ever get out of a broken opener is a cunty little circular indent along the perimeter of the can.

There really is no real reason to even keep a broken can opener in your kitchen drawer, it’s literally the most useless, aggravating instrument to use, but for some fucked up reason you can never bring yourself to just toss it out. You will go on for years struggling to open every can you cross, telling yourself that one day you will break the curse and purchase a widely available and inexpensive can opener that actually works. But until your doorbell rings and it’s a door-to-door can opener salesman, getting a new opener just seems like a wild pipe dream.

The most feared of all the busted openers is the classic old school metal opener. For some reason, these assholes love being broken..all the fucking time. I can’t even recall a time when I used one that worked. All the parts on a metal can opener seem to be held together as loosely as possible without it falling apart into pieces. No matter what angle you hold it at; only about one out of every five hundred revolutions actually seems to cut into the can for fuck's sake. Determined not to give up, and driven solely by your sheer aspiration to add crushed tomatoes to your chili recipe, you adapt the clamp method, slowly piercing around the can until you are halfway around so that you can pry half the top open with the arm of the opener, its fucking bullshit!

It’s about time all cans come with easy to open pull-tabs instead of forcing us to use these medieval tools. Let’s spread this technological advancement beyond the motherfucking dog food cans of the world!

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