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Bendo vs Khabilov: The quick and morally depraved

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Welcome to another UFC weekend filled with fuckers you've never heard of and don't really care about, mixed in with has-beens and washups and pretenders to the throne. Welcome to MMA in 2014.

Starbucks Barista (4-1, L1) vs Roger Narvaez (6-0)

This is classic who the fuck knows or cares MMA picking. Do you pick the overhyped Cummins who Joe Rogan shamelessly called the best prospect in the world not in the UFC who was last seen looking something like Prince Oberon after Daniel Cormier was done with him? Or do you pick the 6-0 guy with the unsettling nickname "Silverback?" Since I could care less, I'll pick the guy who's worth 2 extra points.

Narvaez via KO1

Jon Tuck (7-1, L1) vs Jake Lindsey (9-0)

Same shit, different pile. Tuck has one fight in the UFC, while Lindsey is an undefeated prospect. It might be tempting to pick the undefeated guy but he's got wins over people who can't put together a .500 record in the minor leagues. So I know your next question is why are you predicting Narvaez to win when he's basically crushed the same cans, including some fucking guy who has a 3-13 record? Simple. Narvaez is worth 2 extra points, Lindsey aint. This isn't some sweet science. This is a fucking blindfold and a dart board, bitches.

Tuck via UD

Scott Jorgensen (14-9, L3) vs Danny Martinez (16-5, L1)

I know what you're thinking, surely a guy who's 1-5 in his last six fights who has his back up against the wall can beat some unranked nobody who lost in his UFC debut? I mean, shit, he fucking dropped 10 pounds and still lost his flyweight debut and followup fight. He's due, right? Uh, how about fucking no. Is Jens Pulver due? Is Timmy Sylvia due? This fucking guy is done. Completely done. It's over. Scottie is turrible and Martinez is 2 extra points.

Martinez via UD

Bobby Voelker (24-11, L3) vs Lance Benoist (6-2, L2)

Holy fuck, what did New Mexico do to Zuffa to make them shit on the state like this? What a shit show of fucking awful fighters. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, two completely irrelevant fighters in a "loser-goes-to-Bellator" matchup. I'm either going to shit the bed in epic Ricky-Dooby fashion on this card or set a record for most perfect picks because I'm going underdog again. Bobby Voekler is a punch drunk flail fighter who has been outboxed by pretty much everyone he's fought. Benoist isn't much better but he's more likely to be able to get this to the ground and frankly I'm more likely to believe a 25-year-old is going to have a career bounce-back than a 35-year-old Strikeforce Challengers scrub.

Benoist via UD

Yaotzin Meza (20-9, L1) vs Sergio Pettis (10-1, L1)

I may be on the path to shitpicker but I'm not crazy enough to pick Meza. Yes, Pettis Jr and the hype train was derailed by Bruce Leeroy. But consider that Cacares is a fighter whose career is very much on the rise, and Pettis was still winning that fight until he Thiago Alvesed his way into a late submission. I think Pettis is too small to finish a 135er (and I don't understand why he's fighting at that weight class) but he should easily take this one.

Pettis via UD

Erik Perez (14-5, W1) vs Bryan Caraway (18-6, W1)

Mr. Tate will be taking on Mexican fan favourite Erik Perez and while I think the latter has a chance of making everybody's favourite ass in MMA cry on the sidelines, I'm thinking Caraway gets the job done. Like his skunk-faced girlfriend, Caraway can take a punch to get it to the mat. His only recent relevant loss comes to Takeya Mizugaki, who is notoriously difficult to get down, and it was a split decision. Perez is going to spend most of the night trying to figure out how to stop getting choked out.

Caraway via SUB2

Yves Edwards (42-20-1, L3) vs Piotr Hallmann (14-2, L1)

The career resurgence of Mr. Thugjitsu was cute while it lasted but c'mon, son. It's 2014, not 2004. Not everybody can pull a Robbie Lawler, come back and destroy everybody. Edwards is 37 and other than a crazy KO against Jeremy Stephens (who's dropped to 145) and a finish of Rafaello Oliveira (who no longer competes in the UFC) he's been kicked around by a mediocre crew of nobodies. I mean, fuck, even IVF beat Edwards. Hallmann should bounce back after getting outboxed by Al Iaquinta, especially if he mixes in takedowns.

Hallmann via UD

Raphael dos Anjos (20-7, L1) vs Jason High (18-4, W2)

Jason High is making his 155 debut and despite getting subbed by Erick Silva in, like, a fucking second, he's pretty good on the ground and on his feet. And if he were debuting against anybody else than RDA I might say he has a chance. But RDA was manhandled by uncrowned 155 champion and Dagestani beast Khabib Nurmagomedov. High is not a Dagestani Sambo champion last time I checked. RDA has proved he can outstrike elite 155ers (Donald Cerrone, Evan Dunham) and has the wrestling to prevent any unpleasantry on the ground (Mark Bocek)

RDA via UD

John Dodson (15-6, W1) vs John Moraga (14-2, W1)

Sometimes I wonder whether the UFC fight makers even watch the fucking fighters they book. I mean, Moraga was gifted a decision after getting shitkicked by Dustin Ortiz. But instead of a demotion he gets to fight the number one ranked flyweight in the division? Woman, please. Moraga is going to get absolutely fucking dominated out there, just like he did at Nemesis Fighting in 2010.

Dodson via UD

Diego Sanchez (24-7, L2) vs Ross Pearson (15-6, W2)

Don't get me wrong. I love Diego Sanchez. He's in my avatar for this website. I watch his old fights all the time. I love his intensity. I would probably let him ride me like a llama and feed me alfalfa grass. But Diego Sanchez is a 32-year-old fighter on a two fight losing streak (four if you scored it for Takanori Gomi, which I did), who's been unable to get a fight to the ground since Luigi Fioravanti. I mean, other than his gift win over Gomi, a bullshit decision over Martin Kampmann (which was nevertheless appallingly entertaining), and a close decision over the worst fighter at 170 pounds right now, Paulo Thiago, Diego Sanchez hasn't won a fight since he split decisioned Clay Guida in 2009. Personally, I think BJ Penn broke this fucking kid. He will have nothing for Ross Pearson except rage and failed takedowns.

Pearson via UD

Benson Henderson (20-3, W1) vs Rustam Khabilov (17-1, W6)

This all comes down to whether you think Kkabilov can finish Benson Henderson. Personally, I don't. And since that's the case, it's going to a decision. And since it's going to a decision, Benson wins. That's about all that matters. Henderson is the P4P champion when it comes to winning split decisions, so I don't expect this to be any different.

Henderson via SD

Now fucking shoot me if my predictions come true because that's 9 decisions in 11 fights.

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