FanPost

Hump Day Whine!

Assembling Furniture From Ikea!

Forget cutting out the middleman, Ikea went one giant step further and managed to cut out everything but a fucking warehouse. Their business model is an ingenious scam probably thought up by a super white Swedish savant with an obsession for Kinder Eggs. It assumes that people will always buy furniture if it’s cheap, and looks cool regardless of the fact that it’s made out of material directly descending from the Bristol board family. I feel as if, when it comes time to assemble, you portray the role of Yip, a young Asian sweatshop worker. Could you imagine if another massive company like Toyota adopted this same scheme and said, "Here are the twenty thousand parts needed to build your Lexus you stupid fuck, have at it?"

Even something as simple as a fucking shoe rack will still, somehow, manage to come with two hundred and sixty pieces of hardware, and take four hours to assemble. The inherent fear that comes with not knowing if any step you've completed is right, is also a nice little bonus treat to have loom over you the entire time. The best part? When you get so close to finishing, only to discover that the pre drilled holes on the last piece don’t line up with the dowels properly. Then you suddenly get a flashback to when you forcefully screwed in that screw which felt like it didn’t really fit about twelve steps ago, and you realize that’s probably where you fucked it up. During this realization, it is also popular to discover that at least one other piece of wood is on backwards, and upside down. Holy fucking shit!

Sure, their kitchen designs are striking, but behind that sheik black ceramic cook top, and rustic butcher-block island is thirty seven hours of wrist breaking, mind numbing, cabinet assembly. It never helps either that Ikea instructions looked more like hieroglyphics than instructions for fuck's sake. How do those assholes get away with instructions that don’t even have words in them, I mean, really? I can never tell if the snake symbol, bird symbol, almond-shaped eye symbol means I have to use the long screws or the short screws, what in the actual fuck?!

The only person benefiting from this Swedish furniture monopoly is the twat who had a gut feeling back in the 80’s that the global demand for tiny wooden dowels was going to explode. Thanks in part to that fucking guy, now most of the world can be taken apart with one Allen key.

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