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Hump Day Whine!

Road tripping with a co-pilot who sleeps the whole way!

Each seat in the car comes with a set of responsibilities when you're going on a road trip. The driver has the responsibility of making sure everyone arrives at the destination alive, and that the car doesn’t run out of gas. The co-pilot has the responsibility of keeping the music flowing, and looking at the directions to make sure you're always on course. The minions in the back are needed in case anything needs to be passed from the back to the front, and vice versa, such as food items or clothing. The level of responsibility lessens from seat to seat, but as long as everyone fulfills their duties, road trips are awesome!

Although not an established duty, it is a well known fact that a good co-pilot will take on the responsibility of entertaining and conversing with the driver to keep them stimulated during the long and boring drive. Some co-pilots are jackasses though, and they treat the trip like the car is their own personal mobile hotel bed. They get into the passenger side seat with their bitch ass travel pillow already hanging snugly around their neck, and it takes no more than three seconds after they sit down before they say, "Wake me up when we get there, ok."

Forty-five seconds into the drive, at the first red light you hit, your co-pilot is already fast asleep, leaving you with your thoughts for the next ten hours. Periodically throughout the drive you just stare at them with murderous thoughts, wondering how the fuck they could still be sleeping continuously after four hours, even after you swerved the car in an attempt to wake them. It’s not until you stop for gas that they gently wake up from their slumber with the look of a newborn baby tiger on their face, that you entertain thoughts of leaving them at the gas station restrooms completely naked duct taped in a compromising position.

My brother is the worst co-pilot in history. A car trip affects him the same way NyQuil does. Before we pull out of the driveway, he’s fast asleep in the weirdest car sleeping position ever. Asshole would be sitting straight up with his head slumped over his body like he was shot in the neck with a bear dart. Every car that passes on the highway looks in through the window and probably thinks that I’m pulling some sort of Weekend at Bernie’s bullshit just to use the carpool lane. Then, on top of his weirdo sleeping position, without fail, every time we pull into our final destination he will awake after sleeping for hours on end and say, "Fuck, I’m tired."

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