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UFC 172: The report cards

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So a bunch of bullshit happened last night and Jon Jones is still UFC Light Heavyweight champion. I hate to say it, but despite the jaw-shattering flying knees and nice submission finishes this card was another "meh" for the history books.

Sorry, Uncle Dana, I'm just not buying your watered down, over saturated, over hyped, mismatched bullshit garbage you a call a product. Sure, I'll watch the fights because I haven't given up on the sport entirely, but this habit of slapping together half-assed pay-per-views full of undercard fighters who would barely be recognized in their own neighbourhood has got to fucking stop.

Timmy Boetsch, who has looked like shit for his last three fights? Andre who-the-fuck-is-this-kid Fili? A co-main event between snoozefest champion Phil Davis and the fat kid who was unceremoniously booted from the promotion when he couldn't even come within 12 pounds of his own weight class?

And then there was the ridiculous main event between Jon Jones and a pudgy little Kojak with absolutely zero challenge for the champion. This, after Alexander Gustafsson thrashed Jones to within an inch of his life. Meanwhile, fucking pudgeweight champion and perennial retiree BJ Penn, who lost to Frankie Edgar twice by blowout scores, is going to fight him again.

I don't understand what the UFC is doing but it's quickly becoming boxing. If you're going to have 54 fight cards a year, fine. Make them free or put them on FightPass. But your pay-per-views better be packed and stacked with star power or you may as well forget it. This shit was a Strikeforce event, and that's being kind.

(Sorry for the lack of photos in this report. The UFC is slacking BIG TIME by posting nothing on Facebook and Esther Lin wasn't there for MMA Fighting)

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via Facebook.com/ufc

Bantamweight [135]: Chris Beal (A) versus Patrick Williams (C)
Result: Beal via KO2

This was a great little scrap to start the night with back and forth action. Williams tried to get it to the ground but Beal's explosive power kept things standing. Both landed some good shots, mainly due to Williams' insane wild style, but you could tell Beal had the goods to get her done and that he probably would within the distance.

The end came just 1:51 into the second round when Beal landed an absolutely ridiculous flying knee that stiffened Williams out like a Walking Dead actor. It was an impressive "official" UFC debut, even though those who watched the terrible Rousey vs Tate show knows that he was choked out easily by Chris Holdsworth.

Lightweight [155]: Danny Castillo (A) versus Charlie Brenneman (F)
Result: Castillo via KO2

Well, it's official. Charlie Brenneman has traded in his chin for a fragile china shop. In his last four UFC fights he's been cleanly knocked out twice, and choked out twice after getting badly rocked. That Rick Story fluke win is now ancient history.

Brenneman came out hard in the first round trying to Brenneman his way to another win, but it was clear the Alpha Male fighter was just as game in the wrestling department. If not for a heinously obvious fence grab and if Tan Dan wasn't fighting dementia while reffing the fight I'd have scored the first for Castillo.

But the advantage didn't last long for Charlie, who got absofuckinglutely separated from reality 21 seconds into the second. The scary thing is that although Castillo does have some power (he rocked glass-chinned Barboza badly in their fight) he's not a power hitter. Which means if the UFC doesn't cut Brenneman once and for all his next fight could be a fatality.

Women's Bantamweight [135]: Bethe Correia (C) versus Jessamyn Duke (D)
Result: Correia via UD

I usually ignore the wench fights but I had to put this here because it exemplifies everything wrong with the UFC in 2014. Oversatured, undertalented garbage being forced down our throats. And for what purpose? This fight followed the two spectacular knockouts that had the audience screaming their throats raw. So what did the chick fight do? It was basically a GHB for the crowd, putting everybody to sleep while they watched two terrible amateurs slap each other with pillows that wouldn't put a toddler out.

Can I just say this for the record? Jessamyn Duke is a fucking stick insect with braids. And zero technique. Joe Rogan was trying his best to figure out what she was doing, bravely suggesting at one moment that she was fishing for a Peruvian necktie. Dude, she wasn't fishing for shit. She was flopping around like a fucking horse on her back, trying to get up but having no knowledge of how to do it.

Here's the thing. Yes, Ronda Rousey is a talented fighter who is impressive to watch and therefore validates the existence of women's MMA at the most elite levels. But these fucking amateurs calling themselves fighters are doing women's MMA no favours whatsoever. None.

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Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

Lightweight [155]: Takanori Gomi (B+) versus Isaac Vallie-Flagg (C)
Result: Gomi via UD

Pride never die? It really is a pleasure to watch Takanori Gomi continue to fight in 2014, despite being well past his prime. Because unlike Big Nog, Fedor, and Shogun, the chin is still there, the striking is still there, and even with a few lost steps due to Father Time, he can still beat the stank off a monkey.

Vallie-Flagg was a gamer, but unfortunately the dude has nearly zero technique to accompany his reckless style. Not that Gomi doesn't appear to be reckless, but what Joe Rogan and every other commentator who has ever called a fight for Takanori Gomi fail to realize is that Gomi's hands down, mouth open, gassed out style has never changed. He's still an amazing counter-puncher (Diego Sanchez found out) and his right jab-left hook is money.

I found it weird people were calling this a close fight. Yes, Gomi was tired by the third, but he'd turned Flagg's face into something that looked like it belonged in Fargo. I didn't give Flagg a single round, he was completely and utterly schooled on the feet in every respect.

Honestly, Gomi should have been on the PPV with Jim Miller. It was a waste to watch Gomi and Miller waste scrubs.

Littlegirlweight [125]: Joseph Benavidez (B) versus Tim Elliott (F)
Result: Benavidez via SUB1

Fuck, what an irritating fight. Nobody wants to see Joe B win fights at Flyweight anymore. He's already been schooled by Mighty Mouse twice and there's nothing exciting about seeing him lose a third time. It was frustrating to see Tim Elliott squander his ragdolling success early just to give up a white belt choke late in the first round.

I mean, I know Joe B has a lethal guillotine, but Elliott was fighting the choke for at least a minute and at any point could have surrendered the position in order to escape. But he didn't want to give up position. Fine, then get choked out, fuckhead.

I'm kind of surprised Dana White threw money at that joke of a performance with a bonus afterward. I mean, he was getting tossed like a midget in a Wolf of Wall Street before Benavidez went to his Alpha Male go-to move. I'm guessing Baugautinov would have a field day with dat ass.

Featherweight [145]: Max Holloway (B) versus Andre Fili (B-)
Result: Holloway via SUB3

Another disappointing fight (in a slew of disappointing fights in a row last night) as Andre Fili squandered a good first round and appeared to gas out and give up in the third. And I missed this part, but why was he wearing athletic tape earrings again? Is that because he wears giant vagina earrings? Looked like a douchebag.

Fili started out relatively well, lunging in and catching Holloway and winning the exchanges. But to quote Will Smith in the song "I think I can beat Mike Tyson":

I came out hustling sliding and grabbing
Slippin' and dippin' hustlin' and jabbin'
For a second I looked good out there
But then Mike brought to reality my worst nightmare

One punch, that's all it took
He hit me in my ribs and my insides shook
Now how can I say this and be a little discreet
Let's just say that my bowels released

After that, Fili wasn't the same fighter. In fact, I think the fucking kid was flinching out there. In the third (despite being tied on my scorecards 1-1) he gave up the ghost, and slapped Holloway so hard in the tapout that it was the most damage he'd done that round.

Disappointing, I say again, but I thought Fili might have been a good part of the mix at 145. Holloway we already know has established himself as little more than a gatekeeper.

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Lightweight [155]: Jim Miller (A) versus Yancy Medeiros (F)
Result: Miller via SUB1

Ugh. Do I even need to recap this garbage? Medeiros danced around for a while, got hit hard in the ribs, grimaced, shit his pants, and gave up. It was kind of sad to watch, similar to the aforementioned comments about Andre Fili, that I hoped we had found a new mixture to the 155 division.

Jim Miller has nothing to offer this division. He's been kicking around in the UFC since 2008, winning most of his fights. But every single time he gets a step up he gets the smacketh down (Maynard, Henderson, Diaz, Healy). Please don't go away angry. Just GTFO.

As for Yancy, what a shitacular performance. What the fuck were you doing out there? Awful.

Middleweight [185]: Luke Rockhold (A+) versus Tim Boetsch (F)
Result: Rockhold via SUB1

How does one erase the memory of getting wheelkicked to the head and faceplanting in your UFC debut? Well, how about dispatching two middleweight fighters in the first round easily and effortlessly in a combined 4:39? Rockhold won this fight so easily that he could be booked for a fight next week. I don't think he took a scratch.

Braindead Boetsch ran in on Rockhold for a leg, got reverse triangled, and then squirmed there like a fat kid stuck in a ditch while Rockhold twisted his arm behind his back. If this isn't grounds for getting rid of Timmy then I don't know what is. He's been through one of the worst streaks I think I've ever seen in my life.

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Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

Light Heavyweight [205]: Anthony Johnson (B-) versus Phil Davis (F)
Result: Johnson via UD

Has Phil Davis officially become the Ryan Bader of 2014? What a terrible disappointment this fucking guy is. At one time dispatching Alexander Gustafsson with a one-armmed kimura he seemed like an unstoppable beast. Then he stood there in front of Rashad Evans for five rounds and got shitkicked into obscurity. He's never truly recovered from that embarrassment.

He took Vinny Magalhaes to a heinously dull decision, and followed that one up with a floater against Lyoto Machida. Then last night's eye-rapingly poor performance. I think Phil Davis has become the UFC's least favourite fighter to watch.

As for Anthony Johnson, he did ok, but this was one of those times I had to mute Joe Rogan and his parrot. The amount of slobber and saliva lying on the floor of the Baltimore arena after those two were done polishing Johnson must have taken a fucking Hazmat crew to clean up.

Let's face it, all Johnson did was plod forward, throw bombs, and defend takedowns. That's it. He didn't do anything particularly impressive, find some imaginative strategy, or pursue the finish. He just stalked Davis. Meh. I've seen another guy who does that shit, wear a crown and calls himself "King." He got KTFO with that one-dimensional bullshit.

Light Heavyweight Championship [205] Jon Jones (A-) versus Glover Teixeira (F)
Result: Jones via UD

Jones really is a special fighter. He's able to take dominant fighters who have power and technique and make them look weak and useless. Glover Teixeira looked absolutely overmatched in this fight. At no time did it ever seem like he was in any danger from Glover whatsoever. Not once.

After the first few rounds you have to wonder what Glover's strategy was since his plod forward, swing and miss, clearly wasn't working. Not that it's easy to get inside on Jones, especially when he's pushing guys in the forehead and poking them in the eyes. Still, it would have been nice if Teixeira had gone full retard and rage mode on Jones, hoping for something to connect.

In fact, that's why I gave Glover an "F." He never went for broke. Sure, you survived five rounds against the champ. Big fucking deal, so did Dan Hardy. You got your shit pushed in, son. Hang that fucking head in shame.

As for Jones, he gets an "A-" for an otherwise flawless performance for running away at the end of the fight and clearly not leaving it all in the octagon (as he did against Gustafsson). It's nice to win, but it's nicer to destroy your enemy. Why go five rounds against a guy who doesn't belong in the cage with you when you can finish him in two?

In the fourth round it seemed pretty easy to Glover down to the ground. I would have liked to see the takedown and hellbows for the finish. Instead, Jones lterally turned and ran a few times near the end, even as Kojak was stumble bumbling around in punch drunk finish-me-please style.

Oh well. I have high hopes for Matt Brown and Erick Silva for some real violence next week.

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