Pro tip: before reading the comments, ctrl+F "John C." and collapse any comments posted by him. The jackass dropped major spoilers last week.
Opening this week's episode is Ramsay Snow chasing a random servant girl through the woods. A female companion shoots her through the leg, and Ramsay's hounds devour her as Theon watches.
At the Dreadfort, Roose Bolton has returned from the South. Ramsay meets his stepmother, the fat Walda Frey. Roose wants to see Theon, and is extremely displeased at his condition. Theon was Roose's key to Moat Cailin, but they will now have to lay siege in order to take the legendary castle. Ramsay proves that Theon, now name Reek, is utterly loyal by having him shave his face with a straight razor. Reek reveals to Roose that Bran and Rickon are not, in fact, dead. Roose sends Locke to the Wall to look for them and orders Ramsay to take Moat Cailin.
On Dragonstone, Melisandre burns three men she has deemed blasphemous. The Lady Selyse is completely enthralled by the sacrifice, but Ser Davos is still against the Lord of Light's practices. Later, Selyse says she fears for her daughter Shireen's soul, as she is not a believer. She wants Melisandre to speak with her, which she does. She tries to convince Shireen that those who are sacrificed do so willingly, and that the only hell is the one they're living in now.
In King's Landing, Jaime and Tyrion are dining. Still getting used to his golden prosthetic, Jaime spills wine all over the table. Tyrion schedules a training session with Bronn so that Jaime can strengthen his left hand and become a feared swordsman once again. Bronn doesn't hold back as he goes at Jaime, attacking him both physically and verbally.
Beyond the Wall, Bran uses Summer to hunt deer. He is suddenly awoken by Meera, and Jojen tells him it is dangerous to warg for to long, despite the temptation of being whole when he's in Summer's skin. As they travel, Bran spots a weirwood tree and has Hodor take him to it. As he touches the tree's bark, Bran sees events from the past future, including his father in the black cells and a dragon flying over King's Landing. A voice tells him to find him "beneath the tree."
Meeting with Varys, Tyrion learns that Cersei knows of Shae. He doubts his sister knows enough to do anything about it, but Varys refuses to lie for them. He tries to convince Tyrion to send her to Pentos, and he agrees.
At Joffrey's rehearsal dinner, the boy king is presented with gifts. Cersei points out Shae to Tywin. Tyrion gives his nephew a history book on Daeron the Dragon, Baelor the Blessed, Aegon the Unworthy and Daeron the Good, believing all kings should read it. To his surprise, Joffrey is grateful for the tome. His next gift is from Tywin: the second Valyrian steel sword forged from Ice. Joffrey promptly uses it to hack up his new book, and takes the name of Widow's Wail for the new blade.
Later, in Tyrion's chambers, Shae attempts to seduce him once again. Tyrion breaks the bad news, and tells her of her new home in Pentos. He claims that he can't have her around any longer now that Sansa is his wife. He orders a crying Shae out, and Bronn takes her to the ship.
At the wedding of Joffrey and Margaery, everything goes smoothly as Westeros see a new queen crowned. Following the ceremony, Tyrion double checks with Bronn to make sure that Shae has left, and Bronn assures him that she is. Olenna expresses her sorrow for Robb's death, and at a wedding no less. Joffrey throws money at Sigur Ros to make them stop before introducing Margery. The new queen announces that the uneaten food from the wedding feast will go to the city's poor, to a hefty applause.
Loras and Jaime bump into each other. Jaime tells Loras that Cersei will murder him if they are ever married, in an attempt to dishearten the young knight. He says they will never be married, and Loras answers back with a short "and neither will you." Meanwhile, Cersei confronts Brienne, bringing up the fact that she has served three lords in the war, and accuses her of falling in love with Jaime.
Oberyn meets Tywin and Cersei, and tensions mount between the three. Oberyn makes it clear that the rape and murder of Elia and her children will not go unpunished.
Joffrey, in an unrivalled display of dickheadedness, introduces five dwarves dressed as the five kings of Westeros. As the mock battle is played out, many including Loras, Sansa and Tyrion are sickened by the display. Of particular distaste is the beheading of Dwarf Robb Stark and the pelvic thrusts that follow. Joffrey denies the group their payment, as they are not champions in his eyes. He urges Tyrion to suit up and join the dwarf party, but Tywion assures him that one taste of combat was enough for him. The king proceeds to pour his wine out on the uncle's head, and Margaery calls for a toast to break the tension.
Needing wine for said toast, Joffrey decides that Tyrion will make a great cupbearer. As Tyrion reaches for the goblet, Joffrey drops it, then kicks it out of his reach. Sansa comes to her husband's rescue and retrieves the cup. Tyrion does as his king commands and fills it, but Joffrey isn't done yet. He orders Tyrion to kneel before him, but this time it is Margaery and an enormous pie that saves the Imp.
As Joffrey eats his pie, Tyrion and Sansa attempt to sneak out but are spotted. Tyrion gives him the goblet of wine, which the king gulps down vigorously. What starts as a small cough soon erupts into panic and suffocation for the boy king. As Jaime, Cersei and others rush to the dying king's aid, Ser Dontos urges Sansa to leave now if she wants to leave at all. Face turning purple and leaking blood and vomit, Joffrey uses his dying breath to point at Tyrion as Cersei orders her brother seized.
Well, it's finally happened. Westeros has one less Lannister to worry about, and GoT fans around the world are dancing in the streets as we speak. I have to say, I wish they would have had it play out how it did in the book, with Joffrey ripping out his own throat in an effort to breathe. This was still pretty good, though. We also got to learn some important things, mainly Bran's ability with the weirwoods. I think this episode quickly became many fans' favorite.
Next week: Joffrey is mourned, Castle Black faces reality, and Daenerys lays siege to Meereen.