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Shogun vs Hendo II: The report cards

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Well, another Brazilian card is over and finished and much like the post-fight interview here you are to get a translation of what the fuck happened. There were 11 fights in total, seven of which finished by way of knockout, submission, or early stoppage. But more importantly, tonight was a record-setting epic night of MMA Mania shitpicking in the money pool. Three guys predicted none correctly, eight guys that included two former money pool champions picked just one correctly, and Your Humble Narrator only picked four right and finished in eighth. Holy fucking shitballs, that's a lot of shitpicking.

The reason I'm reminding you of this is so that when you see my pathetic predictions laid out over the following 11 fight write-ups you will be mindful of the fact that my terrible attempt at playing Nostradamus is in the top 18 percent. I think the real tragedy here is that OilCheck, the kingpin of laughing at shitpickers, was five points away from donning the toilet seat of shame around his head.

Real quick rant:

Zuffa cancelled the Will Chope versus Diego Brandao fight today after an MMA "journalist" dredged up something that happened five years ago that has no bearing on any events or people real or imagined today. The company paid Brandao his win and show bonus for the inconvenience. What they did for Chope, on the other hand, is ruin his life over ancient history. Some of the salient points:

1. Chope has no criminal record. This was a military incident in which he was discharged from the Air Force for a domestic incident with his ex-wife. He was able to leave the country, and enter another one, proving he has the same rights and freedoms of any other American. Convicted men with felonious assaults aren't allowed to do that.

2. These incidents took place five years ago. FIVE. YEARS. AGO.

3. The kicker: After hearing the news his ex-wife wrote on her Facebook page:

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Not even the fucking ex cares anymore. This is kind of why people hate journalists.

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Featherweight [145]: Godofredo Castro (A+) versus Noad Lahat (D)
Prediction: Lahat via TKO2
Result: Castro via KO1

Yeah I picked some Israeli unknown over "Pepey" in this fight. I mean, why wouldn't I? The Brazilian's chin had been cracked early in the first round two fights in a row and I figured he was reaching the early stages of opening Chucky's glass chin emporium and warehousing. I was wrong.

Castro has an insane wild swinging style that was dangerous on the show TUF: Brazil, getting him the finals before losing to Rony "Jason" Bezerra. Since that fight he'd gone 1-2 with a split decision win and knockout losses to guys who are about one rung away from not being on a ladder at all. Tonight that wild style paid off in spades, with a ridiculously beautiful flying knee that would have even had Hamas viewers wincing and looking away.

Dana White is a predictably corrupt wolf tickets salesman who will usually give a bonus to whoever was in the main event, but even he had to share this one with Dan Henderson.

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Light Heavyweight [205]: Hans Stringer (F) versus Francimar Barroso (F)
Prediction: Barroso via UD
Result: Stringer via SD

There's really no excuse to show up to a 15-minute pro fight with about two minutes of gasoline. This inexplicably bad performance by both fighters makes me not want to see them anywhere near a fight cage ever again. After looking at Hans Stringer's impressive resume of nine knockouts, eight submissions and 22 wins in 27 fights, I can only say that Europe's fight circuit must have more cans than Campbell's Soup.

In the first round Barroso got an early knockdown, but then proceeded to healf-heartedly kick Stringer in the bum bum while the Dutchman lay there like a slug. After getting back to his feet he decided to take the Brazilian down and lay on him comfortably the rest of the round.

The second round saw a reversal of the first, as Stringer had blown his load and barely had the strength to stand, let alone land punches. As both men headed out for the third and final agonizing eye rapingly bad round, it was anybody's fight. Barroso decided that was the best time to go into cruise control and Paulo Filho his way to a decision loss. He did manage to land a takedown with 40 seconds left but it was too late. He'd given the win to a man who looked like he didn't have the energy to shit a bed.

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Welterweight [170]: Kenny Robertson (A+) versus Thiago Perpétuo (F)
Prediction: Perpetuo via KO2
Result: Robertson via SUB1

It doesn't get much worse for Thiago "Bodao" Perpetuo. A TUF Brazil star fighting in front of his fans, making his welterweight debut, getting choked out in under two minutes. He even had to stitched up after the fight for getting kicked the head before going to the ground with the GROUND GUY and getting easily submitted. Well, you can't fix stupid.

As for Robertson, he gets all the accolades, especially since he was fighting in enemy territory against a fearsome opponent who was already knocking guys out at middleweight. He didn't waste any time or take any damage getting it to the ground, and once he sank in the choke it was over in a heartbeat.

I think the only thing keeping people from picking Kenny Robertson in fights is that the fucking guy looks like Karl fucking Pilkington.

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(By the way, if you're unaware who Karl Pilkington is, you should Google him on YouTube and start watching. I've pretty much damaged my internal organs laughing at his worldview.)

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Flyweight [125]: Jussier Formiga (A) versus Scott Jorgensen (F)
Prediction: Formiga via UD
Result: Formiga via SUB1

Oh my God, Formiga head butted him and if he hadn't done that then Scotty was gonna come back and knock him out and then he'd be back in the mix and he's awesome at 125 pounds and he got robbed and... shut the fuck up. If you're saying this stuff, shut the fuck up. Scott Jorgensen is fucking done. He's the Miguel Torres of the 125 division, the Jens Pulver, the Joe Daddy Stevenson. It's over. Accept it and move on.

Jorgensen isn't just on a losing streak. Only John (tomato can) Albert interrupts a beautiful streak of bed-shitting perfection, losing to a who's who in the MMA world. Which is great. Kudos for sucking so much dong that you can lose to the sport's best of the best consistently. You know who else could lose to everybody? Lots of people. At 0-2 since dropping to flyweight, and 1-5 in his last six, I think it's time for Jorgensen to move to Japan.

As for Jussier Formiga, he deserves all the credit in the world for finishing a guy who is otherwise extremely hard to finish, even if he has become a can. Head butt or not, I saw this fight going no other way than a dominating win for the Brazilian.

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Fatfuckweight [190]: Thiago Santos (A+) versus Ronny Markes (F)
Prediction: Markes via SUB1
Result: Santos via TKO1

What would be the perfect storybook ending to a lazy slob who came in four pounds overweight to a fight in which the bookies had him a six to one favourite winning? Why, exactly what happened. Underdog Thiago Santos kicked the fucker right in his crap factory, causing Markes to fall down in pain and curl into his best armadillo impression.

Markes compiled a 14-1 record in MMA and a reputation as a decisionator in the cage since making his UFC debut in 2011. But a third round KO from Yoel Romero changed all that, and life has gone downhill from there. Failing to make weight and getting finished in under one minute by a scrubweight TUF Brazil 2 fighter who went 2-2 on the show? Fucking embarrassing.

To be fair, Thiago Santos has talent and he demonstrated that on the show, surviving to the bell all four times. But his one-minute collapse against Cezar Ferreira may have convinced quite a few people (like me, for instance) that he's not good enough for this league. I stand corrected for now.

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Featherweight [145]: Rony Bezerra [-] versus Steven Siler [-]
Prediction: Jason via SUB2
Result: Jason via TKO1

How do you spell early stoppage? W-e-r-n-e-i C-a-r-d-o-s-o. What a shit-tastic referee. I don't think it's really fair to hand out letter grades on what was essentially a terrible stoppage. Jason got a flash knockdown before newbie Brazilian ref Cardoso jumped in and almost got upkicked while stopping a very awake and active Siler. Oh well, live and learn. Or don't. After all, the same fucking incompetent refs are still doing this shit year after year.

I don't want to take too much away from Rony Jason, who did land a punch that dazed Siler, who grabbed at his head like he was afraid his brains were going to escape from his right ear, and then did the stanky leg dance to the floor. From a certain perspective it could have looked like he was badly damaged. Unfortunately, the replays showed a clear-eyed Siler protesting as the juice monkey ref towered over him waving his stupid arms in the air like he was signalling a ship from a deserted isle.

It would be nice if the UFC would make a rematch of this fight.

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Lightweight [155]: Michel Prazeres (B+) versus Mairbek Taisumov (F)
Prediction: Prazeres via UD
Result: Prazeres via UD

So many people had picked the tomato can Russkie before the fight that I jokingly trolled that Prazeres was going to win this fight 30-25. Amazingly, I was right, but not for the reasons I thought. The Russian (or Ukrainian or wherever the fuck he's from, let's be honest, who cares) must have had a fear of heights because whenever he was about to get taken down he'd grab the cage. Mario Yamasaki took two points away for doing this, without a warning, leading to the 30-25 lopsided decision.

But let's be honest here. Prazeres won this fight easily and handily, deducted points or no. I have no idea what Taisumov was doing this fight and I'm not sure even he fucking knows. Even his training partner Roger Huerta was so disgusted with his bedshitting performance that he could heard cageside in the third round telling him to give up and that he fucking sucks. Which was hard to argue with. Taisumov did almost nothing in this fight.

As for Prazeres, he proved that although he does have cardio issues he's an extremely strong and powerful wrestler for 155 pounds, and unless he runs into a Gleison Tibau kind of fighter he should have a fairly successful time at that weight class. After watching him manhandle Paulo Thiago at 170 pounds for a round and a half, it seemed like the smart choice to come back down to a weight class where he has a size advantage.

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Light Heavyweight [205]: Fabio Maldonado (B) versus Gian Villante (D-)
Prediction: Maldonado via UD
Result: Maldonado via UD

I don't think anything else need be said than what I already wrote in my prediction post:

You've seen this fight before. Villante is going to batter Fabio "Homer Simpson" Maldonado for the first round, get winded, get confused that Fabio doesn't get hurt, and then get hurt in the second, and destroyed in the third. It can't go down any other way. And it won't. The fans are going to lap this shit up like two girls and a cup... of ice cream.

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Lightweight [155]: Leonardo Santos (F) versus Norman Parke (F)
Prediction: Santos via SUB2
Result: Majority Draw

Does anybody know what the fuck these two chuckleheads were doing out there? Anyone? Parke leaned on Brazilian Jiu Jitsu world champion against the cage for 15 minutes of Randy Couturesque bullshit. In the end, the judges figured that world class MMA was worthy of victory for neither fighter.

Santos looked good early on, landing a mouse under the left eye of Parke and winning the exchanges in general. But the second and third rounds saw a lot of wall and stall. Parke had no interest in trying to take the fight to the ground, nor did the BJJ world champion for some odd reason. Nobody did anything that might be remotely considered worthy of a 10-9 scorecard, that's for sure.

Some people were whingeing about Parke losing a point for his shorts grabbing bullshit in the second round (which briefly gave Brian Stann fits of difficulty with the complicated maths for scoring) but let's be honest, folks: nobody won this dog's breakfast of a fucking borefest.

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Middleweight [185]: C.B. Dollaway (A) versus Cezar Ferreira (F)
Prediction: Ferreira via SUB2
Result: Dollaway via TKO1

Pretty much how it went down. Ferreira went full glee-tard and flailed at Dollaway against the cage, who reached out and booped Ferreira on the nose, putting him down. The ref swarmed in like a mother hen and called it off after three ground strikes. There's really not a whole lot to add here. The fight lasted 39 seconds, which is about a second shorter than it'll take you to get through this summary.

As for CB Dollaway, fartface is apparently on a career resurgence. How, why, are questions I don't have the answers to. All I can say is that the sun shines on every dog's ass once in a while. Literally.

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Light Heavyweight [205]: Dan Henderson (B) versus Maurício Rua (B+)
Prediction: Rua via UD
Result: Henderson via KO3

Great fucking fight, to quote Dana White.

It's no secret that Hendo vs Shogun I was one of my favourite fights of all time. Some fucking ignorant cunts said it was a sloppy brawl with zero technique between two guys with not enough cardio to finish one another. I say, go eat some Brie cheese and leave the man fights to the real fans.

Henderson Shogun II did not disappoint, as it had three rounds of huge knockdowns, crazy recoveries, and a fight-ending rhino-punch to Shogun's face that gave him a Wandy nose. The only disappointing part was realizing it was all over.

In case anyone is wondering why Rua gets a better grade than Hendo, it's simple. Rua fought a great fight. This is the first time in a long time he was intelligent in his gameplan, not rushing in to get clipped and countered, landing leg kicks, rocking Henderson badly twice, and pretty much dominating the 43-year-old TRT junkie. But he got caught. Nothing wrong with that. We know Hendo is a motherfucking boss.

A few creatures were calling on Hendo to retire seconds before he blasted Shogun into next week. Shame on them. Some of these same imbeciles then said they think Shogun is done after losing again. To them I say, please don't donate your brain to science. It has nothing to learn from you. I thought he performed incredibly against one of the elite fighters at 205 pounds and I DEFINITELY want to see him back.

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That's it, see you fuckers in April for Big Nog's suicidal comeback attempt against Fat Country.

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