FanPost

Hump Day Whine!

Seeing a dog boner!

There are very few things in this world that I wish my eyes had never laid sight upon. A dog boner takes first, second, and third place, along with all participation ribbons in that matter.

I grew up with a female dog for a pet, so I lived a large portion of my life not knowing exactly what a dog boner really looks like. The wonder years, as I like to refer to them. My only experiences with the damaging affects that a dog boner can have on the human psyche, were second-hand stories from those who came face to face with the beast, and lived to talk about it.

I could never really comprehend their horrifying recounts because to me, I thought, what's the worst it could look like? A furry breakfast sausage? But then one day, after going seventeen years in blissful ignorance, I encountered the demon, and nearly went blind on the spot from overwhelming repulsion. Now I can admit that I stand corrected. Furry breakfast sausage?…No. Fuck no! Weird Revlon super lustrous alien lipstick looking tool?…Definitely!

An exposed dog boner looks like an alien antenna used to record data to send back to the mother planet. If you see one, you need to treat it like an encounter with a bear. Remain calm, make no sudden movements, definitely no eye contact and walk backwards slowly. I now always make sure to carry my dog boner whistle at all times so that others can be alerted if I find myself in immediate danger of this gross sumbitch.

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