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UFC 171: The quick and dirty

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Allrighty then, kids, it's almost time for another disappointing fight card in the UFC. But making it a little better is the fact there's a lot of guys lined up who know how to knock a mofo out. Lawler, Hendricks, Condit, Lombard. Sheeeeeeeeeit, this is like an anti-GSP party at 170 pounds.

To be honest I'm looking forward to the main event, despite the fact it doesn't have a Diaz in it, because you know guys are going to stand and bang. And bang and bang. We could wind up with the 170-pound version of Shogun vs Hendo.

Daniel Pineda (18-10, L1) versus Robert Whiteford (10-2, L1)

I had to Google Bobby, which is never a good sign for a fighter. And since he did a good job getting subbed in his UFC debut, chances are that much like when England slapped a big dick across the face of Scotland in 1305, history is going to repeat itself. Robert Whiteford has that whole Daniel Craig thing going for him in his Sherdog profile page... which is nice. Unfortunately, Pineda is going to take William Wallace by the throat and choke MacFuck out.

Pineda via SUB1

* * *

Robert McDaniel (21-7, L1) versus Sean Strickland (13-0)

I want Sean Strickland to win. I want it so bad that I think it's kind of wishful thinking. Maybe it's because "Bubba" has a doucheface that even a mother would want to drown in a bathtub. Maybe it's because he's just an annoying fighter. Maybe it's because he's best friends with Jon Jones, an arrogant prick who likes to pick on ex-UFC fighters. Whatever the case, I can't let my hatred cloud my judgment. Strickland has been canning it up on the regional tomato soup circuit, but that don't impress me. "Bubba" went three rounds with Brad Tavares, which aint terrible.

McDaniel via UD

* * *

Will Campuzano (13-5, L1) versus Justin Scoggins (8-0)

While we all enjoyed the erectile dysfunction of Will in the midgetweight debut of Anthony Pettis' hype train brother, let's give an honest appraisal of his chances here. He's fought and lost to some of the best the WEC had to offer. He owns a few knockouts, choked a few mofos out on the mats. But he's never really risen to his potential. Justin Scoggins, on the other hand, is 21-years-old and has a habit of knocking people out via head kick. Short a shot of a Viagra, I can't see Campuzano winning this.

Scoggins via TKO2

* * *

Renee Forte (8-3, L1) versus Frank Trevino (11-0)

Ok, so Renee Forte might be some TUF Brazil castoff who owns a single impressive win the UFC and he's going up against an undefeated Texan. But 10 Texas cans crushed does not equal favourite status in my mind. Some people aren't really giving Forte a chance, which is kind of crazy because he's shown that much like everybody else from Brazil he can bang, he can wrestle, and he can submit people. I'll take the well-rounded devil I know.

Forte via UD

* * *

Sean Spencer (11-2, W2) versus Alex Garcia (11-1, W5)

The last time we saw Alex Garcia he was turning Australian halfwit Ben Wall into porridge. The man is built like a brick shithouse housed inside a nuclear bomb shelter. He's a 170-pound version of Hector Lombard, except that Lombard is back at 170 so he's really kind of a copy of the man. And since Lombard is fighting on this card it's going to be kind of confusing for some people. As for Sean Spencer, the man has a decent record and has never been knocked out. The same can't be said after Saturday night.

Garcia via KO1

* * *

Dennis Bermudez (12-3, W5) versus Jimy Hettes (11-1, W1)

Jimy Hettes is an incredibly crafty submission specialist who owes 10 of his 11 wins to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. And if he were fighting useless tit Robert Whiteford again I'd say he has a pretty good chance of picking up number 11. But Dennis Bermudez is not that tit. He's an aggressive, intelligent wrestler, with decent punching power and a good top game. The chances of him getting caught in a submission are relatively remote. And although he's capable of finishing, it's safer to say Hettes is going to ride the bottom of affair for 15 minutes or face getting tagged on the feet.

Bermudez via UD

* * *

Kelvin Gastelum (7-0) versus Rick Story (16-7, W1)

This is a huge step up for a chubby faced little fuck from TUF 17. But I honestly think he's got this. There are hype trains and then there are guys who have genuine natural talent and work hard to make sure they get shit done. Gastelum is both of those guys at once. He defeated head case Uriah Hall, choked out dangerous striker Brian Melancon in his welterweight debut, and is a very strong wrestler. Rick Story is just as strong, but Gastelum is just a little younger and hungrier.

Gastelum via UD

* * *

Ovince St. Preux (14-5, W3) versus Nikita Krylov (16-3, W1)

It's hard to write off gangly goof Nikita Krylov. Although he put on one of the worst performances in UFC history against Sao Palelei, he rebounded with a quick KO of Walt Harris (who turtled up like Benji Radach and screamed for mommy). Now he's dropped from 265 to a weight class that suits his size a little better. But "OSP" is a pretty big fucking step up. Other than his blemish to Gegard Mousasi, OSP is 11-1 since 2010. Krylov is young and has potential but he's not ready for anything other than smelling salts.

OSP via KO2

* * *

Jake Shields (29-6-1, W4) versus Hector Lombard (33-4, W1)

It's not like you just write off Jake Shields. The guy has proven time and time and time again that he can win fights he's badly outgunned in. He had no business beating Dan Henderson. None. But he did. He also should never have survived Tyron Woodley's power. He was supposed to get schooled by Demian Maia. Maybe he actually has a shot at taking down Hector Lombard, too? But no. Fuck no. It can't happen. I will be amazed, truly and honestly amazed, if Shields can get inside on Lombard and drag this to the ground. Yushin Okami did it, but this isn't Lightning and it aint striking twice.

Lombard via KO1

* * *

Myles Jury (13-0) versus Diego Sanchez (21-6, L1)

People look at Diego Sanchez and say he's done. He's been in too many wars, he's been hit too many times in the head, and he's getting old. Myles Jury, meanwhile, is young, undefeated (technically), and we all watched him smother dangerous striker Michael Johnson for three rounds. On paper it's prime time for Myles Jury to take the torch from Sanchez and carry on. But you're forgetting one important thing. Diego Sanchez is a fucking maniac. He's going to go into the cage and rage on Jury, push the pace, and if he feels like he's losing he's going to go balls to the wall until Jury's brain is bespeckled all over Joe Rogan's face. The power of Christ compels him.

Sanchez via TKO2

* * *

Carlos Condit (29-7, W1) vesus Tyron Woodley (12-2, W1)

Despite ruining one of the best matchups in UFC history by running around the cage doing spinning shit, I really enjoy watching Carlos Condit. He's incredibly hard to put away, has a ridiculously well-rounded game, and finds a way to hurt people in the third round. But the problem is that this fight is only three rounds. If we've learned one thing about Condit, it's that his weakness is starting slowly. He lost two rounds to Rory MacDonald (we assume) by getting taken down before stopping him the third. He lost two rounds to Johny Hendricks before putting it on him in the third. He lost two rounds to GSP before... well you get the picture. It's reasonable to assume he loses two rounds to Woodley, turns it on the third, hurts him bad but runs out of time. That's how I see this shizzle going down. And I'll take those 2 playground points as a bonus, too.

Woodley via UD

* * *

Johny Hendricks (15-2, L1) versus Robbie Lawler (22-9-1, W3)

It's amazing to think that just a few years ago Strikeforce scrub Robbie Lawler was looking old, fat and slow against Tim Kennedy, Ronaldo Souza, and Lorenz Larkin. Lorenz fucking Larkin. But that was then and this is now. Back at his natural weight class, Robbie has been a fucking animal. His speed and power has been a deadly combination for pretty much all-comers. The thing is, I don't think he's really ready for what Johny brings to the table. Hendricks put the single biggest beating on GSP that the French-Canadian has ever been on the receiving end. If the judges had read out 50-45 for Hendricks I would have nodded and clapped. The robbery notwithstanding, Hendricks has devastating power, elite wrestling, and proven staying power. Can he knock out Lawler? Can Lawler crack The Beard? Hard to say. Although the GSP era is over, I'm going to play it "safe."

Hendricks via UD

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