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Why 2013 Kicked this MMA Fan’s @ss Part 5: May: Lionosaurus "Wrecks" and Clash of the Titans

Side note: Sorry for the hiatus, you're dealing with a procrastinator.

Note: To those who care Part 4 can be found here:

Why 2013 Kicked this MMA Fan's @ss Part 4: April: 1,356 Plants, Aliens and Sonnen 3:16: I Just Broke your Toe

Preamble

Some would argue that a normal human being would come out satiated from April 2013's MMA bonanza. Others would say that they are suffering from MMA fatigue and even complain that Gosh darn-it there's too much MMA.

Not me. Not at this pace. I wanted more.

I don't follow team sports (except if the Habs make it to the playoffs) or individual sports that people play (those are called games and are all on par with Bingo and Tiddly Winks).

Plus, more often than not, I end up disappointed whenever I watch boxing (looking at you Bute vs Pascal), so I need my fight fix.

Hell, I even created a Facebook account and pay for 2 overpriced packages (which should be illegal- Bastards!) just to get Sportsnet and FX to watch the Goddamn UFC prelims fights!

So 2013, hearing that I've been complaining after April's MMA extravaganza, paid me a little visit while I was washing my car:

Goodfellas-pistol-whip-o_medium

and punctuated every blow with: "Mark. Hunt. Versus. Junior. Dos. Santos.!"

(Thanks to Ray Liotta for re-enacting the scene)

*****
After 21 days sans MMA, I could not wait for UFC on FX: Belfort vs. Rockhold in Jaraguá do Sul, Brazil.

Brazilian cards are awesome.

Not only are they the equivalent of taking candy from a baby when it comes to gambling (Hint: if opponent not Brazilian, pick Brazilian; if Brazilian fighting Brazilian, pick the one with the mohawk or biggest shout out to Cheezits), but the energy the crowd brings is surreal.

The entire nation of Brazil won me over at UFC 134's (first event there under Zuffa regime) pre-fight press conference, when a Brazilian journalist asked self-proclaimed "Legend Killer" Brandon Schaub, who had previously been all smiles and Lady Diana waves:

Journalist: "How do you like it here?"
B.S.: "It's been great here! What does Vai morrer mean?"
Journalist: "It means you are going to die."

And boy were they right:
10001961_medium

And, after seeing the weigh-ins on Friday, that's exactly what we thought was going to happen to Luke Rockhold as he made his debut against the Mullet-Mohawk Lionosaur.

I remember being genuinely scared for Rockhold.

I mean sure, he was the former Strikeforce middleweight champ, but that meant as much as being the prostitute with the least amount of vaginal warts at the time.

I was at a buddy's place in Vermont and dead tired from a day of paintball with friends.

We all got back to his place, too drained (fuck you, late 30's!) to even think about going out to Rí Rá's Irish Pub, so... being the instigator that I am (and now fiending after 21 days sans MMA...):

"Guys, free fights on TV, wanna just chill and drink?"
"Sounds good" was the general consensus, so we all grabbed our favorite poison and tuned in to watch.

Result

After quite a fun little undercard filled with brutal KOs and submissions:

Ronaldo Souza enters the ring like Tuco Salamanca's long lost triplet cousin, crawling to a statue of Santa Muerte to pray for assistance in his mission to kill Chris Camozzi. Legalized murder via arm triangle choke ensues.

Vitor, proving that he is not a mere Lionosaur, but the mighty Lionosaurus Rex, dispatches Rockhold in a mere 2 and a half minute via this:

1_medium

And in his post-fight interview, says he is stronger than ever (duh, gee fuck I wonder why?) and thanks Cheezits for teaching him the technique, cornering him, sponsoring him and enhancing his male performance in bed.

****
A mere 7 days later... it's time for UFC 160 Velasquez versus Bigfoot II ... but in our hearts, we all knew the true main event of that card was Junior Dos Santos versus Mark Hunt.

These guys are 2 of my favorite fighters. So when I heard the announcement for that fight, I felt like a dad who was going to watch his 2 sons fight.

I started paying attention to Junior Dos Santos when he left glove imprints on Roy Nelson's belly and started doing interviews in English.
Roynelson_juniordossantos_ufc117_medium

He won my wife over when he was all smiles and kept hugging Brock Lesnar against his will on the Ultimate Fighter.

He became one of my favorites when he disfigured Shane Carwin and, in the post-fight speech interview with Joe Rogan:

J.R.: "Junior, you impressed us with your boxing, but also your wrestling!"
JDS: "Yes! I learned this! Be careful my opponents!"

Note: This is also the fight that Mike Goldberg described as "an immovable force meets an unstoppable object".

First off, Mike, the correct expression is: irresistible force meets an immovable object, not the other way around, but other than that your false statement is virtually identical to mine.

Second, we say this about close fights not... ah never mind...

To quote Mike Fagan, who said it best: Lazy. Absolutely lazy. Do you want to know why I find Mike Goldberg so insufferable? He is paid to describe action, to put a narrative into context. He is paid to speak. And he's so fucking lazy with his words.

Junior completely won me over when I got to see him destroy Frank Mir live in Vegas and got to meet him afterwards.

He was getting into an elevator with his entourage at the MGM Grand after celebratory sushi dinner with his team at Shibuya's.

My friend and I drunkenly and brazenly ran after them through the restaurant dining area, into the kitchen area (I swear on the eyes of my wife!), down the private hall and I managed to block the elevator door from closing to ask:

"Junior! We flew all the way from Montreal to see you destroy Frank Mir! May we have a picture please?!"

A girl in his entourage said: "No! No more pictures..."

JDS gave her an angry look and answered a millisecond later: "No! They come from Montreal to see me fight. We take picture!

As for Mark Hunt...

Mark Hunt doesn't fight, he wages war. He battles with no restraint and without fucks to give.




Ever wonder why Wanderlei's face looks like it does?

It's because of this:
Atomic-butt-drop_medium

His fight against Ray Sefo was voted # 1 of the Top 10 most insane act of violence in kickboxing history by Seanbaby.

That fight can be perfectly summed up with the following .gif and sentence:

Mark-hunt-o_medium

"This is the fight Thor closes his eyes and thinks about when a Valkyrie is giving him a blowjob."

I wish Mark Hunt would fight every week. Against multiple opponents at once. Because you just know he can.

But on May 14th 2013, we were almost robbed of that fight as Mark Hunt could not get into the United States due to Visa issues. Fortunately, the Gods of war had had enough of petty mortal travel issues. They intervened in righteous anger and:

Here we go! (GIHYG)

Result

What began as slow night started picking up pace when:

In the feel good moment of the night, Robert Whittaker knocks the hell out of boring, diaper-wearing, sponsor-ignoring, deceitful, cheap shot artist and military disgrace Colton Smith.

Über-underdog T.J Grant knocks out Gray Maynard in just over 2 minutes of the first round, starting a trend of Gray Maynard getting his brain broken by fists.

Not to be outdone by T.J., Glover Teixeira chokes out James Te Huna in just over 2 minutes and a half.

Finally, it's time for the co-main event of the evening.

A thundering silence befalls the arena as the 2 men circle each other. The crowd willingly accepted to watch the fight like this:

Wpid-clockwork_orange_mind_control_medium

After a brutal, 3-round war of attrition, Junior was ahead on the scorecards. He could have played it safe. Instead, he chose to pull this off:

774733581_medium

I'll never forget the sight of Mark Hunt, refusing help from anyone, trying to get back to his feet, only to come crashing down. Earthquakes about 8.0 only happen when Mark Hunt trips or falls.

And in the main event of the evening, in a rematch that could not possibly be bloodier than their first encounter, Cain Velasquez finishes Bigfoot Silva in 1m:21s.

For the record: I do believe that the fight was somewhat stopped early, but would not expect the result to be any different had it gone longer.

****
At the post-fight press conference, Bigfoot goes Full Troll and gives Junior Dos Santos a wetwilly and nipple twist under the scornful eye of Dana White, glaring at them like an angry father.




And we learn that none other than Mike Tyson vetoed original KO of Night pick (JDS) and redirected the $50,000 award to T.J. Grant.

May Folklore and Tidbits

We start off May with the Gansta (showing that you can beat him senseless but he pops right back up), sowing the seeds of his feud with Wanderlei.

Wanderlei responds by saying he wants to smell and suck Chael's blood.

Chris Weidman says he's trained for Silva for years, has 'seen his weaknesses'.- Yep. Until Andy kicks you in the face.

Cung Le announces that he wants to fight Anderson Silva. - I thought Asians were smart.

One-armed champion Nick Newell is stripped of his XFC Lightweight title

Nick Diaz officially announces launch of WAR MMA promotion. - In a ring. No elbows on the ground. No bitches.

First Rosenthal, now Healy. Lightweight contender Pat Healy found out the hard way that weed does not pay when he tested positive for marijuana in a UFC 159 post-fight drug test. Healy's third-round victory over Jim Miller was overturned into a 'no contest.' Additionally, Healy received a 90-day suspension and was forced to forfeit $135,000 in bonus cash.

Briesha Caratate gets Healy's Submission of the night award by default - but can't keep his fucking mouth shut about it (or holier than thou attitude in check). Nate Diaz calls him the "biggest fag in the world".

Ze Warmaster Cometh: Heavyweight Josh Barnett inks new multi-fight UFC contract

Ronda Rousey is utterly shocked as Miesha Tate replaces an injured Cat Zingano on UFC's 'TUF' show

Out of sheer boredom and still not knowing why the fuck he's fighting Chris Angel, Anderson Silva pulls a Nick Diaz and skips a Los Angeles media tour. He gets heavily fined for his trouble.

Quote of the Month

"His only option after I beat him is to retire or have a rematch with me, I would think he would want the rematch. I’m not being cocky, but what other choice? Is he going to fight another 185er and start at the bottom? They’re not going to do that."

Chris Weidman.

I remember thinking: "Wow he's really something... And by something, I mean stupid."

***

That does it for May. Thank you for reading. Coming up next (GIHYG): Why 2013 Kicked this MMA Fan's @ss Part 6: June: The Thrill of Brazil, the Agony of Winnipeg.

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