FanPost

Hump Day Whine!

Messing up a handshake!

Handshakes aren’t what they used to be. Not too long ago, there was only one handshake you could do, it was cut and dry. Both parties knew going into the handshake that it was just going to be a simple right-handed squeeze off, may the man with the most pressure win. But thanks to progressive media movements toward expressing individuality, the lid has been blown the fuck off of the standard handshake. There's now a whole slue of add-ons you have to be aware of.

There’s the regular, the side handshake, the side handshake with the grip and hold, the side handshake followed by the finger lock and release, and the regular with the finger lock and release. Some people go in for the pound, or, just to be extra gay, the pound and explode. Any of these can also be extended with a finger point at the end, while simultaneously tipping your fedora. With all of these different options, it’s tough to know what handshake someone will bring to the table.

My only way of reducing the amount of handshake fuck-ups, is by handshake profiling people. What exactly does this mean? Well, if you're going to handshake anyone over forty, you can confidently assume they'll want a standard handshake, it works every time. For my African American brothers, you need to go in with a side hand grab, like you’re throwing an invisible football, and bring it in like you're going to hug, but finish with a manly behind the back pound and release. White guy on white guy, you can lead with the side handshake, followed by the man hug, that’s it. Anything else, if you’re still uncertain, just delay your greeting and focus on what motion their hand is doing, and try to replicate it without making it too noticeable that you don’t know what the hell you're doing.

I miss the time where something as simple as a handshake was as simple as a handshake. So now, to avoid any awkward moments, I just go around fisting people.

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