Why 2013 Kicked this MMA Fan’s @ss - A 12 Part Series

*Shout out to Tommy Toe Hold after closing tag line

After much reflection and discussion with other MMA savants, I’ve come to realize that 2013 was simply insane and that quite frankly, it deserves our respect.

In fact, if 2013 were debating with us, right now, on its merit of being the "Sickest MMA Year of All Time", it would be punctuating all its arguments with a Jesse Pinkman inflected "Bitch!!"

Here is why it personally kicked my ass:

I remember feeling sad as an MMA fan heading into 2013. I had just hosted Junior vs Cain II at my place during the holidays and my boy Junior (my wife’s favorite: "He's so nice, you just want to hug him!") had gotten his face demolished and re-purposed into a human Shrek mask with extreme prejudice by Cain.

He also got booed out of pure ignorance by the obviously demented and intoxicated Vegas crowd for his valiant and brain stem pulverizing effort, and proceeded to call these ingrates on it by trying to articulate: "Why you people do that?" through his grotesquely deformed lips.

So, in my case, it is with a heavy heart that we start off the year with the final Strikeforce event and then the free Vitor Belfort vs Michael Bisping on FX.

This fight has possible title implications for Michael Bisping (some would say that Bisping fighting for a title will only happen when Hobbits' feet are hairless) as he was on a real hot-streak at the time, with only 1 "questionable" (whatever the fuck that means these days) loss versus the self-proclaimed, undisputed UFC Middleweight People’s Champion Chael Sonnen.

Talks of hypothetical Silva versus Bisping in a Manchester soccer (or football) stadium were abound, as well as a possible knighting by the Queen (Elton or Elizabeth depending on availability and/or prior commitments) should Michael pull that one off.

Vitor, on the other hand, was coming back to his "natural" weight division for this fight after almost armbarring Jon Jones.

For his return to middleweight, the Lionosaur also unveiled the most hideous haircut known to mankind: the Mullet-Mohawk. A monstrosity of a coif that would make the most fervent redneck put down his moonshine and high-five his sister-wife.

Oh, he also sported a certain je ne sais quoi… (quoi being a Mattel He-Man chest) physique at the weigh-ins…


After 2 good fights and a CB Dollaway fight (also known as a bathroom break), we get to the main event.

And here we go! (God I hate you, Goldberg)

Shot of Anderson smiling in the crowd! I’m amped!

Not a Belfort fan - the whole "Cheezits" thing doesn’t do it for me. Not a Bisping fan either. Quite frankly, the only reason I wanted Bisping to win was so that Anderson Silva would cause him great harm in Manchester…

Bisping coming out for the second round looking good and then:


Legend has it Anderson Silva ran backstage and yelled: "You stupid donkey! You facked everything up!" at Michael Bisping as he was being stretchered out to the ambulance.

Meanwhile, Belfort calls out Jon Jones, Sonnen and Satan in his epic: "Everyone but Cheezits is ducking me, Bro!"* post-fight speech interview with Rogan. (*more on that quote after the post)

The Lionosaur then proceeds to leave us with this little gem at the post-fight press conference:

"I cannot confirm nor deny that I take TRT. However the fact that I take TRT is private. Thank you for respecting my choice to use TRT privately"

That’s how you do it. That’s how you start 2013!

Next event – Again, Free on FOX, the little guys (my wife’s favorite division: "OMG, they’re so schmall!!! They’re teeny-tiny!") go at it, Rampage Jackson fights his final UFC fight and it’s motherfucking Donald Cerrone vs Anthony Pettis!


January Folklore and Tidbits

We got to see the new format of the Ultimate Fighter - Jones vs Sonnen, back to the Tuesday format after the Carwin versus Nelson fiasco.

Strikeforce becomes the latest addition to the Zuffa tombstone.

That's it for January. Thank you for reading. Coming up next (God I hate you, Goldberg): Why 2013 kicked this MMA fan’s @ss Part 2: Women and Angry Giants Rule February


In what can only be defined as Piracy is the best form of flattery, to update an old quote:

On January 9th, 2014, after a longer than usual absence, Tommy Toe Hold opened his show with this intro after I e-mailed him the following request on January 8th (to which he never replied):

Dear Tommy,

After several attempts to like it, your show finally won me over for good when you had "Hole in the chest from Anderson's knee" Stephan Bonnar make a guest appearance. Been a fan ever since.

I've recently referred to Vitor Belfort as a Mullet-Mohawk headed Lionosaur, and would very much like to see my creation illustrated. Unfortunately, I cannot draw a straight line with a ruler and have no artistic skills. Can you help me out?

Here is the fanpost in question for your inspiration: Why 2013 kicked this MMA fan’s @ss - A 12 part series.

Kind Regards & best wishes for 2014.

Herr Dan

Tommy, you are welcome! (Still waiting for my Lionosaur though...)

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