It's almost time for another UFC on Fox event and you know what that means, don't you?
1. Another arduous and tedious fucking job trying to Google a bunch of guys you've never heard of before.
2. A shitload of fucking commercials selling you shit you'll never, ever buy. I'm looking at you, Harley Davidson.
3. Complete fight re-runs of every fight where there's a finish.
4. Jon fucking Anik being a dork and mispronouncing simple names while calling uneventful and dull fights "spectacular." Anik could seemingly watch an elephant pinch off a human arm-sized turd onto the Serengeti and call it a miraculous effort.
Without further ado, let's get to Googling these fucking nobodies.
Walt Harris (5-2, L1) versus Nikita Krylov (15-3, L1)
You might remember Walt Harris from his last outing when he KOed fat fuck Jared Rosholt in the first round before going on to lose the fight by a decision. I know, I was confused, too. Harris demonstrated exemplary cardio, if that cardio was being measured for an 89-year-old man. Since Harris only 30 then it didn't look too fucking good. Luckily he's fighting a Russian who was so shit in his UFC debut that he managed to make Sao Palelei (a man who belongs in the before picture of a fucking Jenny Craig weight loss commercial) look like only the second shittiest heavyweight on the planet.
Harris via KO1
From the Russian TV show "how to catch a rapist"
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If you think I know fuck all about either of these guys then you're more gullible than you look. George Sullivan has spent the last six fight winning streak crushing cans in the CFFC and most of those were refereed by Tan Dan, so maybe we should be asking him for advice. Mike Rhodes, meanwhile, has a decent win/loss record marred by a skull fucking from frightening welterweight prospect Brandon Thatch. The fact he lasted a whole 2:22 against Thatch is impressive, since it's the longest anyone has lasted against the guy since Strikeforce was doing Playboy Mansion events and Frankie fucking Shamrock was still king shit of fuck mountain. That tells me he can take a beating. Is Sullivan the guy to put it on him? Let's hope 11 points worth.
Sullivan via UD
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Sometimes the the UFC is evil. After vowing never to pick Daron Cruickshank again after he pulled his best RGIII impression in Brazil, they go and match him up against a TUF can so terrible that he doesn't own a win over a single guy with a fucking Wikipedia entry. That's all I really need to pick the choker. I'd say Cruickshank kicks Rio in his stupid fucking fangs mouthguard sometime in round 2 and finishes him off on the ground.
Choker via TKO2
News flash: you're not cool enough to pull off the fangs. Especially after you get KTFO. Although it does make a nice tribute to chinny Andrei Arlovski.
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Junior Hernandez (13-5, L1) versus Hugo Viana (7-1, L1)
Apparently this Junior kid has not only fought in the UFC before, he got finished in a minute. That, for whatever fucking reason, made the UFC want to bring him back for another try. Hugo Viana, meanwhile, has an epic beard. And epic beard wins every time (except when GSP is fighting).
Viana via KO1
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Moving right along the dog shit here... we have Chico Camus versus the dude who got punched in the liver by Chad Mendes and shit his pants. Camus is a good wrestler with UFC wins over a Korean guy who I got up at 3 in the morning to watch fight a Japanese guy in Singapore a few weeks ago, and Jesus-lover Dustin Pague. Not too impressive, but Yaotzin Meza owns a win over John "tomato can" Albert which ranks up there in news between whoopdey-fucking-doo and the sun rising this morning.
Camus via UD
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Remember what I said about fucktard Anik and mispronouncing names? Yeah, well, this one will be torture to listen to. Anyway, was Wineland in way over his skinny head against Renan Barao? Yeah, he really was. Does that mean he can't KO the guy who got KOed by the guy he KOed? No, it doesn't. Jabouin has only been knocked out three times in his 27-fight career but when you look at his resume he hasn't faced a lot of great strikers. Wineland qualifies as a great striker. Night, night.
Wineland via KO1
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Alex Cacares (9-5, W4) versus Sergio Pettis (10-0)
Look, it's obvious why Sergio is the favourite here. He's undefeated, his brother is the lightweight champ, and people are sheeple. But anyone thinking Alex Cacares can't steal this fight is a shitpicker. Not only has Cacares fought very well since his time as a shit-eating grin-wearing TUF tard, he's still young and improving every fight. Pettis, meanwhile, took Will is that a raging hard-on in your pants or are you just happy to go to the ground with me Campuzano to a decision. Frankly, this could be closer than the bookies are giving it credit for.
Pettis via SD
A literal explanation of "one inch punch"
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This is the "hot bout" which basically means nobody really knows whether Darren Elkins is going to hump his way to victory or Jeremy Stephens is going to decapitate him. I'm leaning toward the latter. Was Jeremy on a huge losing skid at 155? Yes he was. Has he looked really good since dropping down to 145? Well, obviously. He knocked Rony Jason the fuck out and hasn't lost any of his power. Elkins will present more than a few opportunities to get KOed, too. And lest we forget, Stephens was the one who made people think Anthony Pettis was all hype when he lost a split decision.
Stephens via TKO2
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Honestly, this is the hot bout for me. After watching Adriano Martins take Jorge Gurgel to a decision in Strikeforce's final event I didn't think much of the guy. I mean, Gurgel fucking sucks. No, really, I mean the guy is one of the worst fighters I have ever seen in my life. But his UFC debut against Daron Cruickshank, who knows how to throw a punch (unlike Gurgel), was very impressive. Having said that, Donald Cerrone is a huge step up. Other than losses to former number one contender Nate Diaz, current champ Anthony Pettis, and a kind of a bullshit decision loss to Raphael dos Anjos, the guy has been pretty solid. Still, every card needs an upset.
Martins via UD
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Who's going to show up on Saturday? Stipe who battered Roy Nelson for three rounds Miocic? Or Stipe who gassed the fuck out and got murdered by a beanpole Miocic? For me, I'm done doubting Gabriel Gonzaga. Dude is on a career resurgence, other than illegal elbows to the back of the head, and he's found a homerun swing on dude's chins. Somebody is going to sleep.
Gonzaga via KO1
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Benson Henderson (19-3, L1) versus Josh Thomson (20-5, W1)
Is anybody, literally anyone on earth, picking anything other than Bendo UD?
Bendo via UD