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Condit vs Kampmann: The quick and dirty

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There's dirty, and then there's anorexic chicken rubbing up against a clown in a zebra suit dirty. I'm going to present the former definition of dirty. I'm going to present dirty in its most natural, profane, and beer gut manner, and not the sort of dirty that makes you want to hide your daughter in a nuclear bomb bunker to escape the eye-damaging imagery of a Disney girl catching invisible man juice on her tongue while simulating the erotic motions of a cat trying to fuck itself.

I mean, there's clothing that leaves nothing to the imagination and then there's clothing that not only gets your imagination going, it gets your imagination gagging on imaginary bile as you do a Google search for early onset Alzheimer's and hope you have symptoms. This kind of imagination is right up there with the 2 girls 1 cup episode and the goatse prank you busted on all your buddies in 1998.

Anyway, apparently there's fights on tomorrow night. Who knew? I sure didn't, since I skimmed over the 49 articles about two dudes on losing streaks main eventing a free UFC card and skipped right to the one about War Machine wanting to turn his degenerate relationship with a hooker into a fun-filled gangbang with women willing to be filmed on camera for free. The odds of one of them not having a serious venereal disease is about as low as Jason Miller's ability to stay out of county lockup.

Since it's on tomorrow night, a week night, and I live on the west coast, and the fights probably start in the middle of the day, I won't be watching. But I will offer my unsolicited predictions on winners and losers. So, let's get started:

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Roger Bowling (11-4, lost 2) versus Abel Trujillo (10-5, lost 1)

There are a few people who are pretty high on Roger Bowling, but I don't know why. Sure, he beat a Neo-Nazi skinhead in Strikeforce and owns an eyepoke TKO over Bobby Voelker, but other than that you have to open the history book to find a relevant win. Trujillo, meanwhile, has a mean streak and a clear desire to hurt his fellow man. His wrestling is good enough to stand up to most American-based fighters (Russian sambo champions notwithstanding) and handling Bowlings takedowns should be pretty easy.

Trujillo via KO in round 1

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Zak Cummings (15-3, won 2) versus Ben Alloway (13-4, lost 1)

Again, not sure why people are so high on Cummings. I assume it's because people think he's going to take Benny down and play footsies on the mat. Maybe. Could happen. Of course, Manny Rodriguez did the same thing to Benny in December and got finished. Zak is coming down from Light Heavyweight for this fight and hasn't fought since March 2012, so if he's still breathing by the second round I'd be pretty fucking surprised. Let's not forget the coup d'grace: buddy is coming off two wins in the "Slay Marketing" MMA League. Which sounds like a fun thing to do in Missouri on a Saturday night if you need a quick $250.

Alloway via decision

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James Head (9-3, lost 1) versus Jason High (16-4, lost 1)

Until Head ran into a hot Mike Pyle he was doing pretty good at welterweight, stuffing Brian Ebersole for three rounds (what the fuck happened to that guy anyway?) and subbing Papy Abedi. Jason High is another dude who found success in Strikeforce but has failed every time he's stepped up to the major leagues: He beat senior citizen Hayato Sakurai and Jordan Mein. That's about it. Once again, if people think High is going take Head down and lay on him they should go back and watch Ebersole try it.

Head via TKO in round 2

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Darren Elkins (16-3, lost 1) versus Hatsu Hioki (26-6-2, lost 2)

This is a close fight to call. Both are great grapplers, although Hioki brings a submission game that is very dangerous. Given Hioki's resume, you know he's going to be a tough battle, but this should wind up being a striking fight that Elkins will win fairly easily, followed by scrambles on the ground that will earn Elkins the points he needs to win rounds.

Elkins via split decision

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Justin Edwards (8-2, won 1) versus Brandon Thatch (9-1, won 8)

What do you do when you come across a guy who's won eight straight fights in the first round against minor leaguers? It's tough to say. Thatch clearly has a big rep behind him, but Justin Edwards isn't just some TUF scrub. After losing an incredibly uninspiring split decision to Clay Harvison, he bounced back with a win over Jorge Lopez, fought a close match against John Maguire, and then got a shocking 45 second submission of Josh Neer. I think the best clue that Thatch is for real comes from his 2011 fight against Chidi Njokuani, younger brother of Anthony, dispatching the standup fighter in 53 seconds.

Thatch via TKO in round 2

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Dylan Andrews (16-4, won 5) versus Papy Abedi (9-2, won 1)

You might remember Andrews from such classics as making Jimmy Quitlan quit during the TUF 17 finale. But just because he beat a quitter doesn't mean he's ready for the UFC. Fortunately, he's fighting another quitter in Swedish-trained Papy Abedi, who gives it up quite easily and quickly after an early first round rush. I expect this fight to be no different. Andrews is a dangerous fighter on the feet, which means Abedi will wade in recklessly trying for takedowns, get clipped, and get finished. Like he always does.

Andrews via TKO in round 1

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Brad Tavares (10-1, won 3) versus Robert McDaniel (21-6, won 7)

You have got to be fucking kidding me. What did Brad Tavares do to deserve a TUF scrub like "Bubba" after beating five of the six opponents the UFC put in front of him? Brad is going to beat the redneck out of Bubba in about 32 seconds, which is 30 seconds longer than he belongs in a cage with a guy of Tavares' ability.

Tavares via KO in round 1

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Takeya Mizugaki (17-7-2, won 2) versus Erik Perez (13-4, won 8)

This is a really intriguing fight. Mizugaki has losses on his record, but they're almost all to the elite at Bantamweight: Miguel Torres when he was a monster, Scottie Jorgensen when he was ranked number 2, Uriah Faber, Brian Bowles when he had just lost the championship, and a robbery against Chris Cariaso that everybody thinks he won. Meanwhile, he owns wins against takedown artists like Rani Yahya, Bryan Caraway, and Jeff Hougland. The reason he has so many losses is he has fought the creme-de-la-creme at 135. Perez has a cool little winning streak, with three first-round finishes in the UFC. But can he crack Mizugaki's chin? I really seriously doubt it.

Mizugaki via decision

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Court McGee (15-3, won 1) versus Robert Whittaker (11-2, won 2)

Bobby is a TUF Smashes winner who was finishing everybody on the Australian circuit before getting a chance on The Ultimate Fighter. He managed to knock out Colton Smith, which was reason enough for anybody to like him. Unfortunately, Court McGee is too much, too soon. McGee owns a single legitimate loss in the UFC to top-ranked middleweight fighter Costa Philippou, while he got robbed against Nick Ring (as everybody does). He is a volume puncher, has a brick chin, and never stops coming. Whittaker will survive, but at great cost.

McGee via decision

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Kelvin Gastelum (6-0) versus Brian Melancon (7-2, won 2)

I think everybody was pretty shocked at how easily Brian Melancon beat the tar fuck out of Seth Baczynski. Which is why it seems perfectly reasonable he should beat up pudgy 21-year-old Kelvin Gastelum. But that's what everybody who has ever looked at Gastelum's physique has thought. The truth is that the kid is like a bulldog in the cage. He takes guys down and Velasquez's them until they give up. Uriah Hall has power equal or greater to Melancon's and nothing bad happened. I don't see much problem for Kelvin in his welterweight debut, where he should be even faster and stronger. Which is kind of scary.

Gastelum via decision

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Donald Cerrone (20-5, won 1) versus Rafael dos Anjos (19-6, won 4)

I don't see any way for RDA to win this fight, but then again I didn't see any way he could beat Evan Dunham either (although I think technically I wrote down that one as a robbery by fucktarded judging). But Cerrone is fairly elite on the feet at 155, and RDA's only chance for a win here is a takedown. Ask Charles Oliveira or James Varner how easy that is to do. Or ask Melvin Guillard, who got KTFO quickly.

Cerrone by decision

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Carlos Condit (28-7, lost 2) versus Martin Kampmann (20-6, lost 1)

It's kind of scary to think a guy with Condit's skills is on a two fight losing streak. It's been a while since he unleashed unbridled fury and pain, so I expect Kampmann is going to get worked here. I know it was a close fight in their first go around, but Condit is due. He is straight up fucking due.

Condit via TKO in round 2

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