UFC 163: The Quick and Dirty


What up Maniacs, it's your favourite foul-mouthed fucker with another lazy, half-assed, half-researched and fully unqualified round of predictions for Saturday's squash fights in Brazil. I've been cleaner than a nun's snatch with OCD lately and it feels good to unload a little bit here.

Before I get into it, can I just say something about last night's Bellator fight for a second? Both Ben Askren and Michael Chandler looked stupid good. I mean, it's one thing that Chandler is making the weak Bellator lightweight division look shallower than letstalkmma's gene pool, but Ben Askren's fight was ridiculous. I've never actually seen a fighter turn to a ref and basically say, dude, c'mon. How much more do I have to dominate this guy without entering his body physically?

Seriously, given the choice between which was more shocking to watch, the scene from Irreversible or Ben Askren handing Andrei Koreshkov his pink belt in grappling, it's pretty safe to say that the Bellator fight was X-rated. It's hard to imagine anyone in the UFC who would be able to handle his wrestling. Askren was so bored on top of Koreshkov I'm pretty sure he could have had a beer and a bowl of chips nearby. Fuck.

* * *

Francimar Barroso (15-3) versus Ednaldo Oliveira (13-1-1)

Everybody's taking Ednaldo Oliveira in this fight. But everybody probably didn't see Ednaldo's sloppy fight against Gabriel Gonzaga when he got dragged to the ground and strangled. Oliveira holds an impressive list of wins over a bunch of fucking guys you couldn't find if you hired a detective. It's not that Barroso hasn't compiled his own list of tomato cans, but the guy has a habit of knocking kids the fuck out.

Barroso via KO1

* * *

Bristol Marunde (12-8) versus Viscardi Andrade (14-5)

Andrade is a castoff from TUF Brazil 2 with a well-rounded game but this is the first time he's fighting a guy who isn't from Brazil. Lucky he's fighting Bristol Marunde, a guy who has such a mediocre MMA game that he got knocked the fuck out by Clint Hester, a man who has the submission skills of James Toney. Marunde is dropping down from 185, so he might survive to the judges.

Andrade via decision

* * *

Rani Yahya (18-7) versus Josh Clopton (6-1-1)

More squash matches to make the Brazilians happy. Josh Clopton hasn't fought in two years and the last time that happened he got beaten up by Steven Siler. His previous fight to that was when Barack Obama was a rookie in the White House. Rani Yahya isn't the best at 145, but he's high level enough to choke Clopton out in a stupidly short amount of time.

Yahya via SUB1

* * *

Ian McCall (11-4-1) versus Iliarde Santos (27-7-1)

Sorry, Brazil. Ian McCall might just be one of the few guys at 125 who could actually defeat the Midget King. Like the other guys on this card, Santos has a bunch of wins against dudes with Brazilian passports. McCall has gone toe to toe with the very best of the best at 125 and 135.

McCall via decision

* * *

Sergio Moraes (7-2) versus Neil Magny (8-1)

Go ahead. Pick Neil Magny. No, seriously. Do it. I want you to do it. Because I want you to feel stupid when Sergio Moraes drags Magny down and shows him the sweet darkness. You can pick the TUF scrub who got knocked out by Mike Ricci. Mike. Fucking. Ricci.

Moraes via SUB2

* * *

Vinny Magalhaes (10-6) versus Anthony Perosh (13-7)

When the UFC cut Vinny following his loss to Ryan Bader in the TUF 8 Finale it was one of the best decisions Zuffa ever made. But with the watering down of the talent pool ever since, I guess they needed to bring him back. Anyway, handling a 40-year-old with limited striking skills and a ground game that isn't close to Vinny's level sounds like it should keep the guy from having to sell anymore M1 belts on eBay.

Magalhaes via SUB2

* * *

John Lineker (21-6) versus Jose Tome (33-3)

This one is hard to pick. Mainly because I have no idea who this new midget Jose Tome is. He also has a bunch of wins over guys nobody has heard of. But what catches my eye is that he's finishes dudes left, right and center. At 125. John Lineker has shown he can throw a stupid amount of strikes, but it's fucking hard to pick against a guy who has gone to the judges two times in 33 wins.

Tome via KO3

* * *

Thales Leites (20-4) versus Tom Watson (16-5)

Anyone who watched Thales Leites fight Anderson Silva probably never wanted to see him back in the UFC. But he's back, and he's fighting a guy with issues serious enough to wear a gorilla mask on the way into the cage. I expect Leites to spend a lot of time flopping on his stupid fucking back as Watson touches his chin all night long.

Watson via decision

* * *

Cezar Ferreira (5-2) versus Thiago Santos (8-1)

Try googling Thiago Santos. It's like trying to find the right John Chan in the phone book. After you do find the right one you realize he was a loser on TUF Brazil 2, who is fighting on short notice, in a heavier weight class, against the TUF 1 winner who happens to train (and probably juice) with Vitor Belfort. So it aint too fucking hard to pick, izzit? Look, I watched TUF Brazil 2, even without the subtitles. I'm that pathetic. And Santos is good, there's no mistake. But he's in over his head and outside his weight class.

Ferreira via KO1

* * *

Lyoto Machida (19-3) versus Phil Davis (11-1)

Are you ready to get sleepy? I said... are you ready to get sleepy? Well then, fight fans, set your alarm for 15 minutes from when this starts because this is going to suck. Really, really, really bad. Reason 1: Lyoto Machida fighting. Reason 2: Phil Davis can't strike. Reason 3: This aint going to the ground.

Machida via decision

* * *

Jose Aldo (22-1) versus Chan Sung Jung (13-3)

Korean Zombie is a fun fighter to watch but he better bring a weapon into the cage because it's the only way he wins this fight. He's going to get leg kicked in the first, and popped and dropped in the second. I can't see anything that KZ brings that Aldo can't handle. Effortlessly. Actually, if KZ gets out of the first I'll be pretty impressed.

Aldo via KO2

* * *

If you noticed I didn't do the chick fight it's because I have no idea who they are. I also, if I'm being honest, don't really care about chick fights. And my mother always told me to be honest. (That's actually a lie, I'm a chronic liar).

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.


You must be a member of to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at You should read them.


You must be a member of to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.