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UFC 160: The quick and morally bankrupt

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So, it's time for Joben to pull out the old wallet and help support all us freeloading fans this weekend. And what doozy Joben is helping to finance. Brown Pride. JDS. Fat Fuck Hunt. Glover. It's good stuff.

So without further ado, the quick and dirty:

Jeremy Stephens (20-9, L3) versus Estevan Payan 14-3 (Ubtn 8)

The UFC likes Jeremy. He comes to bang. He also comes to get knocked the fuck out, as Yves Edwards demonstrated in his last fight. That and a three fight losing streak will get you a drop down to featherweight. Payan, meanwhile, is some undercard Strikeforce goomba. I'm expecting Jeremy to throw some heavy leather in this fight and Payan's chin is going to do some receiving.

Stephens by KO1

* * *

Brian Bowles (10-2, L1) versus George Roop (13-9-1, W1)

A lot of guys on Mania are going to have to Google Brian Bowles because this mofo hasn't fought in the UFC since Chris Weidman was a last minute replacement on undercards. But dude has serious goddamn skills. If he wasn't fighting George Roop, a skeletal freak, I'd be worried. Since he isn't, this is going to be a beating. Sure, Roop is difficult to finish. Much like herpes, he hangs around long after you think he should be gone. But eventually he'll get finished before the judges need to read out the inevitable.

Bowles by TKO3

* * *

Stephen Thompson (6-1, L1) versus Nah-Shon Burrell (9-2, W1)

When "Wonderboy" got his shit pushed in by Matt Brown, I figured that was the end of the hype train. Then I watched Matt Brown do that same shit to three other fighters. So Thompson might not suck as bad as he looked in that fight. Still, I think Burrell has what it takes to win this fight. I base this on no factual evidence whatsofuckingever. I just don't like Stephen Thompson and I'm not afraid who knows it.

Burrell by decision

* * *

Khabib Nurmagomedov (19-0) versus Abel Trujillo (10-4, W5)

First off, fuck thee with a sharp, pointy stick, Stumberg. Khabib beat Gleison Tibau 14 ways from Sunday in that fight. He beat him high. He beat him low. He beat him where the sun don't show. And he's going to beat Trujillo, too. Khabib is top of the food chain, and don't be surprised if he's fighting for the title in 2014. Sure, Abel looked great beating the fuck piss out of a dude who got subbed by CODY FUCKING MCKENZIE. Next you'll be telling me that Kimbo Slice is the next big thing.

Nurmagomedov by SUB1

* * *

Colton Smith (3-1, W1) versus Robert Whittaker (10-2, W1)

I've already acquired footage of this fight from the future utilizing a unique time machine:

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Smith by decision

* * *

Dennis Bermudez (10-3, W3) versus Max Holloway (7-1, W3)

I doubted Bermudez in his last fight, but he proved me wrong. He's a great grappler, a great striker, and dude has heart. He got dropped in the first round of his last fight and came back to lay a whopping on Matt Grice that was in violation of about four international laws. He's going to take it to Holloway until the kid breaks. Which based on his past performances shouldn't take much. Holloway nearly got beaten by Leonard "retard windmill punches" Garcia.

Bermudez by TKO2

* * *

Mike Pyle (24-8-1, W3) versus Rick Story (15-6, W1)

I hate betting against a hot hand. I'd love to think Pyle, who has a record three consecutive first round slobberknockouts, is going to put Story to pasture. Love to, but he won't. Story has a thick fucking skull. I know this because Damien Maia tried to break it and couldn't. Story should grind this out. Expect some big shots that wobble Story, but takedowns win in MMA judging. Pyle's hot hand is about to hit snake eyes. Or whatever, shit, I don't gamble.

Story by decision

* * *

Donald Cerrone (19-5, L1) versus KJ Noons (11-6, L2)

This aint hard to predict. Noons is a great standup fighter but he's not in a league with Cerrone. He's not even really in the same dimension. His chin will hold for three rounds, but his skin won't. He's going to bleed like Theon Greyjoy during an impromptu sex change operation. This one is pretty much a lock. Noons is 1-4 in his last five fights heading INTO the UFC.

Cerrone by decision

* * *

Gray Maynard (11-1-1, W1) versus TJ Grant (20-5, W4)

This looks like a close fight until you realize Gray Maynard has nothing to offer that Grant can't compete with. Wrestling is neutralized. Grant wrestled with the best at 170 and held his own. Striking won't impress him. He went toe to toe with Johny Hendricks and lost by a slim margin. I think Grant wins this fight everywhere and anywhere and wouldn't be surprised if he finishes Gray with a submission. I wouldn't be surprised if Gray whines like a bitch afterward either.

Grant by decision

* * *

Glover Teixeira (20-2, W18) versus James Te-Huna (16-5, W4)

You might want to watch this one with your pants around your ankles. Dis gon' be good. Two guys who hit as hard as this won't be standing for very long. Basically, the two are going to trade, Glover is going to throw Te-Huna on his back, lay some lethal ground and pound, and soak up an arm triangle choke. That's just a fact.

Teixeira by SUB1

* * *

Junior dos Santos (15-2, L1) versus Mark Hunt (9-7, W4)

I know, people love Mark Hunt. Pride forever. All that bullshittery. Fuck that. Look, Hunt is going to get the living piss beat from him. He's going to get punched so fucking hard that by the second round he'll need a hyperbaric chamber to get his breath back. When that chamber doesn't appear, he's going to fall down from the slightest breeze, and dos Santos is going to pound on him until the ref shows mercy. Hopefully after that happens, he'll realize he's 38, and retire.

JDS by TKO2

* * *

Cain Velasquez (11-1, W2) versus Antonio Silva (18-4, W2)

We already saw this movie. Silva gets taken down, beaten savagely for several rounds, loses four gallons of blood, and finally gives up. I expect this rerun to be even more savage. Cain won't goon around Silva like the juicer did. It will be brutal. It will be merciless. And it will be inevitable.

Cain by TKO3

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