FanPost

The Bastard.




I was tweeting with the throbbing love sack that is our beloved oil_check and he remarked that I'm much crazier on twitter than on here. Now, I know I don't post much because I prefer to watch you guys bicker and hurl homophobic slurs at each other. I digress and let you know If I had unlimited money I would be dead from liver failure in a few years because I'm from the east coast of Canada and we are a bunch of fuckin drunks, but nothing compares to this guy I met in Fort McMurray, Alberta.

I moved out to Alberta at the tender age of 21, freshly dropped out of University because I got drunk studying for finals and forgot to pay my tuition for spring semester. I had heard stories about the stupid amount of money you could make labour work out there I hopped on a plane and moved in with a buddy of mine. Finding the weather in October in northern Alberta to be nut shrivelling I got a Job at the local Telus dealership making very good money and that is where I met a fellow named we affectionately referred to as Iris the Virus. We became very good friends and I learned that the reason he had such a nickname is because he thrived to cause shit.

One day I was invited out to drink with him and his friends from Prince Edward Island, Chief and The Bastard. I had heard stories about The Bastard getting drunk and doing outrageous things but chalked it up to embellishment. I will let you know he lived up to that moniker with fucking gusto.

So, there we are at the bar drinking pony glasses of vodka and redbull. For those of you unaware of what a pony glass is it's a beer pitcher with about 10 shots of vodka and like 5 cans of redbull, the shit should not be fucking sold period let alone to a bunch of rough neck rigg workers. Bastard for some reason decides to stand up on a pool table whip out his little baby dick and start urinating all over this young lady sitting at a table. Her boyfriend fucking lost his shit and walks up with one punch knocks the bastard the fuck out with. Seriously Bisping would pity the bastard after that punch. I figured I should probably leave since I figured the night couldn't get any better than seeing this and I had to work early the next day.

I'm sleeping on my friends couch when I hear banging on my door, I open it to see the bastard covered in blood and too drunk to form words. I'm a nice guy, so I clean him up and let him crash on the chair beside the couch. I woke up a short time later to him pissing on my fucking coffee table and I'm getting his retard piss all over my face and I start freaking out, but he isn't responding to my threats because he's sleep pissing (I should have listened to my friends who warned me because he does this ALOT.)

Anyways that was the first night I met the craziest drunk bastard ever.If you guys want to hear more I have some really fucked stories about his retarded if not just hurl insults at me.

Be gentle on my virgin fanpost sphincter because I can't punctuate a sentence worth dick.

I know oily wanted to hear the story about him getting locked in the closet and forced to smoke a bunch of crack by Native drug dealers and that's a good and short story. He got drunk at the casino met some weird Portuguese guys, they brought him to a house forced him go in to buy weed from some pyscho natives and the natives assumed he was a cop and locked him in a closet for like 6 hours and made him smoke a giant rock of crack.

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