UFC 159: The quick and dirty


Ok, ladies, it's time for UFC 159: Jon Jones versus a really fucking fat middleweight who has had three fights since 2010. I went 10 for 12 in the last event so I'm hopeful my losing streak is as dead as the woman above's soul.

Without further ado:

Steven Siler (21-10) versus Kurt Holobaugh (9-1)

Holobow? Holoback? Holobag? Who the fuck knows how you pronounce it. The point is, the kid looked good against Pat Healy in January. The other point is that he was fighting in the minor leagues. Steven Siler, meanwhile, has gone 4-1 in the UFC, losing only to Darren Elkins in that run. It's a shame, because I like Holobach, but unless he finds a way to smother Siler I can't see him winning the Muay Thai game.

Siler via decision

* * *

Nick Catone (9-4) versus James Head (9-3)

You may remember Nick Catone from such films as Chris Camozzi smashed my ugly face in, and TJ Waldburger put me to sleep between his thighs. Not very good movies, I don't recommend them. James Head, meanwhile, has looked pretty good in his short UFC career, despite dropping a quick TKO to Mike Pyle in his last fight, who is having a Matt Brown streak of his own. Catone has a number of things that don't work for him, but the number one thing is he fucking sucks.

Head via SUB2

* * *

Leonard Garcia (15-10-1) versus Cody McKenzie (13-3)

Dana White said he'd never do a freakshow fight. This is a freakshow fight. Let's face it, retard Garcia should have been cut years ago. The kid has no gameplan other than fucking wailing his fists around like he's throwing a discus in the OIympics and hoping something'll connect. Fortunately for him he's fighting retard McKenzie, a man who is a one-trick Huskie, and everybody has already figured it out. McKenzie might survive one round of Garcia's whinging and flailing, but eventually he'll connect. Loser gets cut. Wish I could say that for their reproductive organs.

Garcia via TKO2

* * *

Bryan Caraway (17-6) versus Johnny Bedford (19-9-1)

I like Bryan. How could I not? He is probably balls deep in Tate's bunghole as I write this. But look, he's going up against Johnny Bedford, who currently enjoys a streak of knocking motherfuckers out. Caraway has a hell of a chin, but he's not great at getting inside on his opponent without getting tagged. We saw this against Takeya Mizugaki. Cupcake is going to do a lot of crying come Saturday.

Bedford via TKO3

* * *

Gian Villante (10-3) versus Ovince St. Preux (12-5)

I don't know why everybody's so high on Villante. Dude is getting handled in this fight. OSP isn't GSP, but he's not going to get wrestlesnuggled by Villante, who owns impressive wins over a total of zero fucking guys who count.

OSP via decision

* * *

Rustam Khabilov (15-1) versus Yancy Medeiros (9-0)

I don't know much about Khabilov except that he's a Sambo master and dude can fucking suplex a motherfucker like nobody's business. Yancy, on the other hand, is some Strikfeforce guy who last fought when Osama bin Laden was still masturbating to blacks on blondes in Abbotabad. Look, Yancy apparently has some skills but there's a trinity of problems here: First, he hasn't fought in three years. Second, he's cutting 30 pounds to fight at 155, after starting his career at 205. Third, he's been training with the Diaz brothers, who are about as toxic as the fucking Blackzillians these days.

Khabilov via TKO1

* * *

Jim Miller (22-4) versus Pat Healy (29-16)

If I had to pick the most overrated fighter to come over from Strikeforce it would have to be Nate Marquardt. But if I had to pick two, it would be Pat Healy. Dude scraped by Mizuto Hirota and newcomer Kurt Holobaugh before calling out Gilbert Melendez. Jim Miller is superior to Healy everywhere this fight goes. This is going to be a 15-minute beatdown, possibly punctuated by a late submission.

Miller via decision

* * *

Phil Davis (10-1) versus Vinny Magalhaes (10-5)

Talk about punching above your weight. Glorified glory hole champion Vinny Magalhaes is taking on one of the 205-pound division's top dogs and I can't see how Magalhaes can possibly win this. Davis is faster, has better hands, and honestly if it goes to the ground I think Davis chokes him the fuck out. Davis is ridiculously strong, and for a wrestler he has a pretty amazing ground game. The reason I think this goes the distance is only because Davis' corner will probably tell him avoid pulling an Igor "fucking moron" Pokrajac maneuver.

Davis via decision

* * *

Roy Nelson (18-7) versus Cheick Kongo (18-7-2)

Although I think Roy Nelson is the fattest douchebag in MMA, he gets it done against Cheick "wall and stall and knee em in the balls" Kongo. Nelson may take some time to get going, but eventually I think he connects. Kongo has survived tougher opponents, but he's shown his chin can be touched by guys like Mark Hunt and Pat Barry.

Nelson via TKO3

* * *

Michael Bisping (23-5) versus Alan Belcher (18-7)

This is really Pissbing's fight to lose. Pillow fists is the perfect matchup for Alan "no talent" Belcher, who will get lulled into the pitter patter game of the British fighter. Besides, Spitsbing only loses when he's in a fight that actually matters.

Bisping via decision

* * *

Jon Jones (18-0) versus Chael Sonnen (27-12-1)

This is exactly how this fight will go down. There will be a short feeling out process, Sonnen will get tagged at range, he'll engage in the clinch for a takedown, Jones will suplex him, secure top position with a crucifix, rain down hellbows, and get a quick stoppage.

Jones via TKO1

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