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Hey!Ho!Headlines!: The H7N9-birdflu virus.

Sup, Maniacs.


Welcome to Hey!Ho!Headlines!

This is a little segment where MMAMania goes off-topic and where i talk about the news. I fucking hate the news. It's depressing for obvious reasons i shouldn't have to explain to anyone who has ever watched the news in recent years.

Why do i want to talk about it? I don't but i'm bored and so are you so let's just do it this and get ready for some of the most intregity-filled investigative journalism of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!


What are we going to talk about? This is a good news, bad news type of deal, let's start with the bad news: The H7N9-birdflu virus.

That's right, the birdflu is back... again... and it's coming for you... sigh.

The toll from a new flu strain is mounting in China. Forty-three people have been sickened and 11 have died from the virus, the World Health Organization said Friday. The pace of infections has quickened over the past few days, with three to five cases reported daily.

I remember back in 2006 every news outlet went apeshit at the prospect of the H5N1 avian flu(or Influenza A virus subtype H5N1 or highly pathogenic avian influenza (HPAI)) virus coming to knock all homo sapiens out even though at that point in time the virus wasn't capable of human to human transfer, but but but.... it could though... like someday... so uh, you know, like,... be afraid, be very afraid. Ugh...

How many birds died because of the H5N1-virus in 2006? 209 million (true story, google it)

How many humans died because of the H5N1-virus in 2006? 80 people across the globe and 165 from the period of 2003 to 2007.


Let's put this in perspective here.

The spanish Influenza (or A-type influenza subtype H1N1) killed between fifty and one hundred million people over approximately twelve months from 1918 to 1919. That virus meant business and had no desire to let it go the distance with a finishing rate 1.5 million times higher than that wimpy-ass H5N1. H1N1 is a KILLER! A KILLER!!! Make no mistake about it.

Let's take a look at the media coverage of the pandemic back in 1918... uh, there was none. Here's a fun fact about how that particular strain got it's name.

This A-type influenza outbreak was then referred to as the Spanish flu, but this was not because the virus was known to originate in Spain. Instead, the name stuck because Spain was the only country in Europe which did not suppress news reports of the thousands of men who died from the flu while fighting in World War I. Other countries felt that the news would be too demoralizing. In other words, millions died; no-one gave a shit.

Fast forward back to 2006. These 80 fatalities mostly occurred in third world countries that most Westerners could care less about. And as soon it was motherfucking obvious that a full-on 1918-styled animal to man or man to man pandemic wouldn't even fart in Western-Europes of America's way, the news reports abruptly stopped and people moved on like nothing happened.

Ok, so what was the point of relentlessly bombarding us with the news that the birdflu boogie-man is coming for us and it will be all over, JUST! LIKE! THAT!... ?

Tamiflu.

What's that ?

Oseltamivir better known by it's commercial name Tamiflu, is an antiviral drug, which may slow the spread of and treat the influenza A virus and influenza B viruses and is manifactured by Swiss drugmaker Roche Holding AG.


Each flu season Tamiflu-sales spike through the roof and come back down after the flu-season dies down. In 2006 Tamiflu sales went through the roof with a whopping 470% compared to sales in 2005. 470% !!!! ARE ! YOU ! Kiddin me ?

Unfortunately, i don't have the sales chart/pie to back this fact/claim/rumour up. I also can't show you any sources where what i said can be validated. Come to think of it, i can confirm nor deny that i may or may not have competely nor absolutely have made that up (nor down).


What i am getting at is, the reason why news outlet's resort to fearmongering shit like this, is because they strike deals with companies like Roche Holding AG and possibly the government or something conspiracy-ey, tin-foil-hat-esque crackpottery... ish.

The flu season is approaching, we're a manufacturer of anti-flu medicine. Our annual sales figures are ok at best but you know what would be cool ? If totally scared the shit out of everyone into buying our product and make billions..lol. but how ?

The flu season is approaching and we're a major Western news outlet. Apparently people in Turkey and South-East Asia are droppin like fli... well some are dead because of this new type of birdflu that only normally kills poultry. Our ratings aren't what they used to be and people are getting tired of rapes, murders, war, poverty, stabbings, shootings, kidnappings, Fallon Fox, drive by buttcheek pinchings etc... you know what would be cool ? If we scared the shit out of people and say the birdflu is coming to America and keep them updated with footage of dying asians and turks... excuse me for a moment, yeah what ? Who ? Who's Roche Holding AG ? How much ? They're offering how much ? Alright, let's do this, schedule a meeting...

Where i'm going with this, is that everytime i hear something that even remotely sounds like birdflu or pandemic on the news i remind myself of the media craze of 2006 when i was still in high school. I highly doubt anyone remembers what i'm talking about which is actually the cocksucking point up in this bitch right here, boi!!! Maybe the 2009 H1N1 swineflu pandemic is more recent and jogs some of you guys memories.

Everyone went apeshit again, President Obama declared a state of emergency, some caught the virus, some died and all of a sudden everyone stops taking about it and moves on.

Here's a comment i found on some forum from some guy named arunil :

»A friend of mine got swine flu in 2009 and was hospitalized for two weeks.

I think the 2009 pandemic has been such an interesting window into the way the media and the public consciousness work - we heard about seemingly nothing else for days and weeks, then suddenly the news nearly vanished. I found out about my friend's illness several weeks after everyone had stopped talking about the outbreak.”


Yeah. Media hype about anything is fucking annoying because nine times out of ten the subject at hand which is being hyped doesn't matter and is never relevant to anything beyond a certain timeframe.


I guess one could argue that that is the exact same reason why the "news" is called «the news"... because it is new and after a while it stops being new and becomes old and therefore not « news » anymore.


One could also argue, that epidemics and pandemics come and go. No-one can predict where, what or when it will strike and when it's all over no-one knows where the virus goes and when it's coming back.


Fair enough. So why should we care ? I guess you shouldn't. And this is why i hate news and stopped watching it for several years.


Let's fasttrack back to 2013.


In the U.S., the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has beefed up resources to deal with the outbreak. The agency received a vial of H7N9 from China Thursday so it could develop tests and vaccines against the virus.

H7N9 is a strain of flu that normally infects birds. Chinese health workers detected the first human cases in February and March, when three people around Shanghai developed mysterious lung infections.

These patients eventually suffered from a host of deadly complications, like septic shock, kidney failure and brain damage, doctors from the Chinese Center for Disease Control and Prevention wrote Thursday in The New England Journal of Medicine.

The doctors also sequenced the genomes of the viruses, which suggest H7N9 evolved the ability to jump from animals to humans at least two times since February.

H7N9 has sparked a flood of speculation and concern for a few reasons. Since it's new to people, no one has immunity to the bug yet. There is no vaccine against it.

"Extensive efforts are under way to develop potential H7N9 vaccines as quickly as possible," virologists from the CDC wrote in a commentary Thursday. But the process "will probably take many months," even under ideal circumstances, they wrote.

septic shock ? kidney failure ? and brain damage ? Fuck.

There is no vaccine against it.? Lol, there goes my Tamiflu « theory »...

If this is as serious as i think it is or as serious as i know it could be, then i guess i should care because no cure + death= i'm scared.

Unless, you know... this is just the latest scare tactic to get lowest common denominator viewers glued to their tv screens for the latest update on when they're going to die and in the proces making news-agency viewer ratings go through the roof.

Ok, let's wrap this up before i throw myself , off the balcony (mother's basement) and let's get to the real reason why i'm posting this faux-journalistic drivel and wasting everyone's time... this is a closing bit i like to call Hey!Ho ! Happy!happy ! Hfun!Htime ! (loud "H")

Conan o brian spastic dance

Basically they should call the News, just « bad news » since there's never anything good on anyway. So to balance out the negativity of the Homo Sapien species here's a news story i found and which will hopefully will bring you some hope and joy and uplift your soul. Enjoy :

The Brazilian government has opened up a budget consisting of a whopping 500000000 real ( about 8 peso's) for the research and devolopment of a female cyborg sex-companion robot. The robot is meant for commercial comsumption and aimed at the ever-growing Brazilian middleclass and it's single males between 21-55 years old. Brazilian culture and Brazilians themselves are paternalistic in nature and notorious for not particularly treating women as their Western counterparts would.

« It's like, you know... big butt. You know, big butts here, big butts, there , you know. When two sticks walk, just, like, the... the... (pauzes) the bûm-bûm, (laughs). Say how ? How you say ? Oh yes, legs. When two legs walk, it's just the... bûm-bûm, (laughs) big butt goes left, big butt goes right, you know, the bûm-bûm. It shake (laughs). That i want. I no want, talk, you know, no talk. Just shake, sticks, and bûm-bûm. (laughs) not sticks, legs i mean (laughs). Women stay in kitchen and have big butt, no talk. » : that was Fredson Piralta, a 39 year old fishermen in Belèm in the north-east of the country.

It's men like Piralta whom commercial retailers will be targeting once the unnamed sex-contraption hits the Brazilian market. Researchers claim production can start as soon as 2015 and hit the markets that same year and take young to middle aged men by storm. Here's what Professor Vilma Pirapora, at the head of the research, had to say about her passion project;

« The cyborg will have it's own circulatory system, it's own central nervous system, we've implemented sphincter muscle transplants from giraf and elephant cadavers to enhance and maximise contraction, pressure, and pleasure, cilicone breasts starting from size double D, cilicone butt transplants, i don't think i need to explain that one ( laughs) and orang-oetan vagina transplants for the premium model and pork (translation: pig)-vagina transplants for the budget model. The robot will be programmed by default to be mute, budget or premium model.

You see, we've practically created the perfect woman. I'll tell you right now, by 2016 Brazil will have the highest divorce rate in the world along with the highest single female rate in the world. And who knows in time, Brazilian women may become an addition on the endangered species list (laughs) They are being replaced (laughs) I'll be repla...(stops laughing). » by MICHAELEEN DOUCLEFF for NPR news.

(editorial note : Story may not have happened)


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