UFC 158: The quick and dirty


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Ok, fuckers, it's time for another round of miserable predictions and horrible results. Let's get started before this post disappears and all your comments are deleted.

George Roop (12-9-1) versus Reuben Duran (8-4-1)

Quite frankly, I'm not looking forward to this spectacle. At 6'1" and 135 pounds I think Roop will look something like Christian Bale in the Machinist. Roop isn't terrible but the only bantamweight champion he has a shot at becoming is in Auschwitz. Roop is a gangly, awkward, weird-looking dude. He is the Keith Jardine of the 135-division. His one claim to fame is a completely unexpected knockout of the Korean Zombie back in 2010.

Duran by submission in round 2

* * *

TJ Dillashaw (6-1) versus Issei Tamura (7-3)

I don't really need to say much more than the fact that Tamura is Japanese and he's fighting in North America. Strike one. Tamura is a wrestler but there's basically a parsec's difference between an American wrestler and a Japanese wrestler. Strike two. Dillashaw has utterly dominated the two opponents he's faced since an early stoppage in the TUF 14 Finale. Tamura has finished a guy and been finished by a guy. Let's call that one a foul tip. Dillashaw is a TUF scrub. Ball. Tamura lost to a guy named Guy in Shooto. Strike three.

Dillashaw by decision

* * *

Rick Story (14-6) versus Quinn Mulhern (18-2)

The last time Rick Story faced a submission specialist he got his face turned in a blood juicer and his head shrunken about two sizes. But the submission specialist he faced before that one he knocked out so hard that buddy dropped a weight class and then retired. I'm not going to lie. I'm a good liar but I'm not going to. I don't know shit about the mighty Quinn here except that I'm almost certain he got into MMA because he was bullied for his stupid name.

Story by KO in round 2

* * *

John Makdessi (10-2) versus Daron Cruickshank (12-2)

I was impressed by Makdessi when he debuted in the UFC and won via the rare spinning backfist to the chin. Then I watched the geriatric Dennis Hallman choke him out before I'd even had time to slide my hand down my pants. Cruickshank, despite being a TUF scrub, brings a more diverse arsenal, and if he has even a moderate ground game he should win easily.

Cruickshank by KO in round 3

* * *

Dan Miller (14-6) versus Jordan Mein (26-8)

This is actually pretty tough to call. I watched Tyron Woodley hold Mein down for three rounds in Strikeforce, and Miller is capable of doing the same thing. Except Miller also has excellent submissions. He's also a big kid cutting from middleweight and should have a strength advantage. Mein, meanwhile, is young and really talented, but I can't think of any elite wrestlers or grapplers he's faced.

Miller by decision

* * *

Antonio Carvalho (15-5) versus Darren Elkins (15-2)

Carvalho has a great standup game, a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, a green belt in Judo, and a black belt in Shotokan Karate. Ask Darren Elkins how many fucks he gives.

Elkins by decision

* * *

Patrick Cote (18-8) versus Bobby Voelker (24-8)

You know how many UFC fighters Patrick Cote has beaten in the past five years? None. Luckily for him, Bobby Voekler isn't a UFC fighter yet. Still, I think Bobby is going to beat Patrick like a post-op tranny in a women's MMA fight.

Voelker by decision

* * *

Mike Ricci (7-3) versus Colin Fletcher (8-2)

Fletcher is a weird, tough Brit who likes to wear clown costumes and miniature top hats. He's also a skeleton at the 155 weight division. Ricci, although definitely not good at defending the takedown, isn't going to get taken down by Fletcher. This should be a relatively uneventful snooze.

Ricci by decision

* * *

Chris Camozzi (18-5) versus Nick Ring (13-1)

It's not really Camozzi versus Ring, it's Camozzi versus the judges, innit? I mean, Riki Fukuda beat Ring but he lost. Court McGee beat Ring but he lost. I mean, although Camozzi should win, it's Nick fucking Ring. He's the Leonard Garcia of Canada.

Ring by decision

* * *

Jake Ellenberger (28-6) versus Nate Marquardt (32-11-2)

Everybody talks about how great Nate Marquardt looked against Tyron Woodley. And how much power Johny Hendricks has. Well, maybe you forgot, but Jake Ellenberger packs a fucking ridonkulous power punch as well. His only loss since Carlos Condit in 2009 was to Martin Kampmann, and frankly I think he fucking knocked buddy out in the first round but the cage saved his skull from bouncing off the mat.

Ellenberger by KO in round 1

* * *

Carlos Condit (28-6) versus Johny Hendricks (14-1)

Hendricks may have the most ruthless KO in the 170-pound division, but Condit is probably the best counter puncher in the entire UFC. Although he played the running game against Nick Diaz, who is seemingly invulnerable to one of the deadliest strikers, Condit has really unorthodox strikes and angles. His head kick against GSP proved that. And when he does connect, say fucking nighty night because he swarms on you like a welfare mom on food stamps.

Condit by KO in round 3

* * *


GSP (23-2) versus Nick Diaz (26-8)

Look, it's no secret. Everybody hates Nick Diaz because of his attitude. He is everything that GSP isn't. He's rude, inconsiderate, selfish, whines a lot, doesn't seem to want to make the most of opportunities, and has a seemingly quixotic way about himself that people resent.

But like I said, Diaz is everything GSP isn't, and that goes for in the cage as well. Diaz is a finisher. He doesn't watch the clock. He doesn't care how many times you hit him. He never stops coming. He never quits. He can never be counted out.

The weird thing is that MMA fans should cheer for the fighter they like inside the cage. GSP has become the anti-thesis of everything there is to like about MMA. He plays a safe game, watches the clock, paces himself, and doesn't risk anything to make his fighting more exciting. The question you have to ask yourself is, who would you rather watch?

I'm not saying Diaz deserves the title, or that he's even going to win. But if you're at all an MMA fan, the last thing you should want is a wrestler with no finishing instinct left at the very top. I'm a practical person. My money's on GSP. But every second of every round until the 25 minute mark I will be cheering for Diaz to win. Because at least he's trying.

GSP by record-setting 160th consecutive minute without a stoppage

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