FanPost

UFC 156 Report Cards: Epic fail edition

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Yes, I did the above photoshop and I know it's kind of shitty. But it made me laugh, so fuck it.

Well, I don't think I'm making any bold predictions when I say that everybody failed in epic proportions last night in predicting who would win. Ok, so maybe you saw Maia beating Fitch (I did) but your jaw dropped when Silva knocked the tar fuck out of Reem. Or maybe you picked Silva but had no idea Rashad Evans would lose to Grandpa Nogueira.

Last night was a full-on clusterfuck of shitbaggery. I kept watching pick after pick bite the dust and as my alcohol-fueled rage reached its crescendo I paused the pay-per-view, smoked a joint, ordered a pizza, and watched this video:

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With my equilibrium readjusted, I continued...

My predictions: An abysmal 5/11

Card's report card: I usually assign a letter grade to cards but this time I'm going to assign what I think that card was worth. I paid $59.99 plus applicable taxes and levies. It was probably worth: $20. Although I enjoyed watching Fitch get Fitched, let's face it, there was only really one exciting fight on the PPV.

Fight of the night: Dustin Kimura versus Chico Camus (UFC gave it to Aldo versus Edgar, which I guess they had to after it failed to live up to the hype)

Knockout of the night: Antonio Silva

Submission of the night: Bobby Green

Biggest upset: Antonio Silva

Worst judges' decision: Evan Dunham on a split decision when he clearly won 30-27

Most boring fight: Not Fitch-Maia, but actually Lil Nog versus Evans.

Beatdown of the night: Aldo on Edgar... psyche! I didn't see any beatdowns, unless you count Woodley tearing Hieron a fourth asshole.

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Bantamweight [135]: Francisco Rivera (-) versus Edwin Figueroa (-)
Prediction: Rivera by TKO in round 2
Result: Rivera by TKO in round 2

I fucked myself on this one by making last minute picks. Although I had Rivera by second round TKO in my predictions post, I changed it to decision because I panicked and figured Edwin's rockhard skull would survive three rounds. I was wrong.

Anyway, I'd love to tell you how this fight went but I can't. I got to my buddies house and we'd just loaded the fight on YouTube. I hit the pause button to tell him about each fighter and as I was reaching for the computer screen I bumped the beer bottle over.

The bottle landed on his keyboard. Quick as a cat I picked it up and mumbled an apology. But it wasn't over yet. No, the bottle then started what I can only describe as cumshots of beer foam out the top. I ran to the kitchen but not before the entire apartment was covered in beer cumshots. It was an epic fail.

Winner: Counting the bullshit No Contest, Rivera has knocked out four out of the last five guys he's faced and he looks incredible. Bruce Leeroy beat up Figueroa as well, but was robbed by a two-point deduction for groin kicks. If he's not available or he loses to Kyung Ho Kang, how about Erik Perez? He has great power, too.

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Bantamweight [135]: Dustin Kimura (B) versus Chico Camus (B-)
Prediction: Camus by decision
Result: Kimura by submission in round 3

There were a lot of I-told-you-sos after this fight, but I honestly think this one was a toss up. I had Camus squeaking out the first two rounds and probably would have won on the scorecards if he wasn't submitted. Dustin Kimura looked great though, and if submission attempts counted on scorecards he would have been winning.

Can I just say something for a second? Just because your name is Dustin doesn't mean you have to be nicknamed Diamond. Saved by the Bell was a stupid show for retards and Dustin Diamond was the biggest fucking retard of them all. By far. The only reason it was worth watching at any point whatsoever was to fantasize about banging Tiffani Thiessen. (I was 15 years old, ok, don't fucking judge me).

Anyway, I thought this was the most entertaining fight of the night because Kimura kept trying to submit Camus, but Chico had excellent submission defence. It was a cat and mouse game and in the end the mouse got caught.

Winner: I'm not sure whether Kimura should fight another low-level guy or step up in competition. A mid-level test might be TJ Dillashaw, who's coming off a destruction of Vaughn Lee. I'm not sure the UFC will reward a guy who missed weight though.

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Lightweight [155]: Isaac Vallie-Flagg (B+) versus Yves Edwards (B-)
Prediction: Edwards by decision
Result: Vallie-Flagg by split decision

This was another complete fucking tossup. I knew Edwards was coming off a knockout of Jeremy Stephens, but I also knew Vallie-Flagg was a Greg Jackson fighter who hasn't lost in a long fucking time. Plus, he has some brutal retard rage and strength which can't be overstated. But I waffled. I switched from Edwards to Vallie-Flagg and back. In the end I chose the cowards way out and took Edwards.

IVF raged and rocked Edwards in the first, pounding him from every direction and making Edwards' standup look cute against the dirty boxing and relentless retard attack. It seemed like Edwards realized he couldn't stand with IVF and took him down in the second, working effectively from the guard to the back mount.

In the third, Edwards had a clear gameplan. Get IVF to the ground and win the fight on points. But cardio and retard rage/strength had another plan. Edwards gassed out and IVF battered him to a weird split decision. What other round the judges thought Edwards won is a complete mystery.

Winner: I think the UFC would probably rather put Jamie Varner against the 155 elite, but I'd love to see that bangfest. You could always put Bobby Green against him but I'd like to see the Strikeforce guys keep their momentum independent. It would interesting to see if he could stop the takedown of Myles Jury.

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Lightweight [155]: Bobby Green (A-) versus Jacob Volkmann (F)
Prediction: Volkmann by decision
Result: Green by submission in round 3

There's no regrets here. I didn't think Volkmann would shit the bed like he did and I doubt anyone else in the multiverse did either. Bobby Green beating Volkmann counts as one of the biggest upsets I think I've ever seen. Especially the way he did it. Green broke Volkmann mentally, and then the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu BLUE BELT choked him to death.

The first round went exactly how I thought it would. Volkmann took him down and did what he does. Two more rounds exactly like that, I thought. But Green had other plans. He battered the glassectomy expert on the feet, forcing Jacob to reevaluate his status as a man. He landed a single fucking punch in that round. One.

In the third, an exhausted Volkmann tried to win the points game but Green grinned at him, pushed him over like a kitten, and jumped into full mount. He began punching Jacob in his ugly face, which Jacob didn't like at all. He turned over and gave it up like a prom queen in a porno.

Dude, a little advice. You might want to learn some Jiu-Jitsu off your back. Just in case, you know, you ever show your face in a cage again. Oh and by the way, I think Kim Winslow set a record for worst standup in the history of MMA. During the second round while he was battering Volkmann, Kim inexplicably stood them up. For the rest of the night whenever somebody would get into a dominant position like mount or back mount I fully expected Kim the fucktard Winslow to stand them up.

Winner: Green gets a huge bump in the rankings with that win. He could fight Evan Dunham from the same card.

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Welterweight [170]: Tyron Woodley (A+) versus Jay Hieron (F)
Prediction: Woodley by decision
Result: Woodley by first round KO

If you were wondering if the fighters in Strikeforce were legit, you got your answer last night. Fighters from Bellator? Not so much. Jay Hieron, considered by many to be an elite striker, got absolutely donkeyraped in this fight. And what makes it worse for Hieron is that it was by a fucking wrestler best known for laying on guys for 15 minutes.

Much like Ben Askren in Bellator, elite wrestlers like Tyron Woodley have shown that with the strongest fundamental martial art in the business, all they need to learn is striking in order to be very good. And when a guy with Woodley's skills actually trains hard, he looks pretty fucking sick. When you think about the fact that Woodley has only trained MMA since 2009, it's kind of scary.

Although Woodley got knocked the fuck out by Nate Marquardt, he surprised a lot of people with his skills in that fight as well. Often overlooked is the fact he rocked Nate many times in that fight. It appears Woodley has improved yet again. If he continues this trend, the top of the 170-pound division better get their diapers out because Woodley is coming.

Winner: I think a top contender of Strikeforce deserves an equally top contender in the UFC as his next fight. Although I'm thinking Demian Maia gets a top three opponent next, I think it would be a cool matchup with Woodley. Alternately, Mike Pyle is on a bit of a career resurgence with a UFC-record three consecutive first round knockouts. Everybody else looks pretty busy with fights so we'd have to see how those shake out before we pick anyone else.

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Lightweight [155]: Evan Dunham (A) versus Gleison Tibau (C)
Prediction: Tibau by decision
Result: Dunham by split decision

In retrospect I guess Evan Dunham was the smart pick. Although he was robbed against Sean Sherk, he stuffed Sherk's takedowns and I thought did more damage. Same deal last night. Dunham clearly outlanded Tibau by a 3:1 ratio all night long, and stuffed practically every takedown.

By the time Gleison Tibau's mutant muscles reached the third round he was exhausted, making it that much easier. It's difficult to see how Tibau earned a single round, let alone two rounds for one judge. There's not much else to say, is there? Tibau got pwned.

Winner: The problem for Evan Dunham is the same for a lot of other fights at 155. The guys above him are busy booked and the guys below him would be a step down. Like I said, Bobby Green makes sense.

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Flyweight [125]: Joseph Benavidez (B) versus Ian McCall (C)
Prediction: Benavidez by decision
Result: Benavidez by decision

I know a lot of people like Joe B but frankly the guy is boring as fuck. He's technically sound everywhere, but he's got no excitement, no unpredictability. You know exactly what you're getting with him most of the time. The problem is that Joe was a bad matchup for Ian McCall.

McCall has that hint of psychopath to him that makes him a fun guy to watch. He spent most of the fight smiling while getting punched in the face, except for the second round when he clipped Joe B and started battering him about the ears and face. Unfortunately that was the only flurry for him. The third saw him resume smiling and getting punched in the face.

Winner: What do you do with a midget like Joe B? Couldn't win at 135. Couldn't win at 125. And yet he's probably a number two ranked guy in both divisions. He can't fight the champ again so soon. So who? Good fucking question.

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Welterweight [170]: Demian Maia (B+) versus Jon Fitch (C-)
Prediction: Maia by submission in round 1
Result: Maia by decision

I know everybody was convinced Jon Fitch was going to Fitch his opponent yet again, like he's done so many times in the past. It's understandable. I don't blame you for believing that. But did you not see how quickly he took down Kim Jong Il? How fast he submitted wrestler Rick Story? I thought there was at least a chance he would steal two rounds.

He didn't just steal two rounds though. Maia Fitched Fitch like Fitch has never been Fitched before. Even when GSP battered Fitch, he didn't control him to this level of complete ineptitude. Jon Fitch literally did nothing but defend last night as he lost what appeared to be a complete Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu fight from bell to bell.

I have to give credit where it's due. Fitch literally did not give a single fuck about handing his neck to a world BJJ champion. His ability to fend off submissions remains at an elite level. But he did nothing else. Neither guy landed more than two punches.

From a personal satisfaction standpoint, I enjoyed every millisecond of Fitch getting Fitched.

Winner: Ok, we've established that Johnny Hendricks gets the winner of Diaz versus GSP. If Maia wants to wait a year, that's his choice. But I think Woodley would make a good matchup. Here's the thing, if Demian Maia can beat an elite wrestler like Jon Fitch that easily, does anyone other than GSP stand a chance?

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Heavyweight [265]: Alistair Overeem (F) versus Antonio Silva (A)
Prediction: Overeem by KO in round 1
Result: Silva by KO in round 3

I don't like Alistair Overeem. Never have. Never will. It annoyed me when he claimed to be the world's number one heavyweight back when he was fighting cans with Fedor in minor league organizations, and it annoyed me that he was vague and flippant about his steroid use.

But what annoyed me most of all was his attitude headed into this fight. You can never, ever, ever not take an opponent seriously in a fight. Fucking never. That kind of shit is what makes for David versus Goliath type legends. And now Overeem will be best remembered for getting knocked the fuck out by a Jiu-Jitsu guy. What a terrible fucking embarrassment.

Despite getting popped and suspended for a year for clearly abusing steroids, Overeem never admitted or apologized for cheating. Even while on suspension for cheating he was calling out the top fighters at 265. And heading into this fight he showed nothing but disdain and contempt for Silva. Which is fine, if you can fucking back it up. Nothing in this world is more embarrassing than taking a guy for a chump and getting knocked clear the fuck out.

Overeem was fighting hands down and chin up all fight. He stood DIRECTLY in front of Silva. He played pattycake with him and looked like he was holding back. In short, he made every mistake in the book. His final mistake was taunting Silva to end the second round. Big Foot came out pumped up, and laid a thunderous smackdown on the roider. I mean a total fucking shitkicking. Watch the video in slow motion again. Overeem takes about 17 unanswered punches straight to the chopper. He was literally and legitimately knocked clean the fuck out.

And here's the thing, Overroids. You didn't take Silva seriously, a man who beat the shitfuck out of Fedor Emelianenko, and your reward for that is the following: You just lost millions of dollars in marketability and future earnings. You're arguably not even a top 10 heavyweight after taking that skullfucking. You'll be lucky if you get matched up against Todd Duffee again.

Winner: Big Foot was brutalized by Cain Velasquez and I'm not too eager to see that again. He also was cleanly demolished by Daniel Cormier. I hate to say it guys, but could it be any more obvious? Josh Warmaster Barnett for the fucking win for fans.

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Light Heavyweight [205]: Rashad Evans (F) versus Little Nogueira (C)
Prediction: Evans by decision
Result: Nogueira by decision

When the judges read out the scorecards it still didn't register in my head. I was like, what the fuck just happened? In my brain the idea of Evans losing to senior citizen Nog was inconceivable. The last time Nog fought I think Osama bin Laden was still kicking around Pakistan. And Evans dominated the last guy to dominate Nog. No, I still don't get it.

The only thing I can think of is that Evans didn't prepare for this fight. I mean, he won the first round with a takedown, but after that there was nothing. It's not like Nog battered him, but neither did much of anything. And Evans did less than nothing. No takedowns. No punches. Nothing. I mean, what the actual fuck was he doing out there?

The other possibility is that Rashad just doesn't want to fight anymore. He certainly didn't look ready to cut another 20 pounds of weight and take on the greatest MMA fighter the world has ever seen. Rashad's stock just dropped out like fucking Research in Motion.

Winner: With a win over Rashad and Tito, Lil Nog has quietly insinuated himself into the top of the 205 division. I mean, he lost to Phil Davis, who is arguably a top 5 guy, and there was that embarrassment to Ryan Bader. But other than that he's done ok. Glover Teixeira would be an interesting matchup but I'm pretty sure they're buddies if not teammates (Nova Uniao and Team Nogueira). I think the winner of Machida-Henderson gets Jones after he dispatches Sonnen. What about a 2005 rematch with Shogun Rua? Just for fun I mean.

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Featherweight Championship [145]: Jose Aldo (B) versus Frankie Edgar (C)
Prediction: Aldo by decision
Result: Aldo by decision

Another five rounds for Frankie Edgar, another controversial loss. What does this kid have to do to win a decision? Well, one idea might be to land a few hard shots. Honestly, I didn't think the loss was controversial while watching it live. Looking at the statistics afterwards might be a different story.

First, this is how I saw the fight go down. Aldo absolutely battered Edgar in the first two rounds. The head movement on Aldo was ridonkulous. I don't think Frankie landed a punch out of every 30 he threw. When I watched the first two rounds, I saw Also landing all the time, and Frankie missing.

The third round looked to be a momentum shift. Frankie was landing more, Aldo was gassing a bit. But then Aldo landed a brutal front kick to the face. I remembered that best of all. I'm guessing the judges who scored the third remembered it as well.

The fourth seemed to be all Frankie. It was still close, but the takedowns and the crisp striking seemed to favour the challenger. The fifth round was a real tossup and I think I scored it Edgar, although Aldo landed a rather brutal superman punch off the cage to finish the fight that didn't help Frankie's cause.

According to Fightmetric, Edgar won the last three rounds. But statistics don't always tell the whole story. My eyes and my brain saw Aldo win that fight. And even if Frankie outlanded Aldo, I think the damage landed by Aldo earned him at least one of the last three rounds. So, if we can agree Aldo easily won the first two (EASILY), we can also agree he did enough to earn one of the last three. Case closed, Also is still the champion.

And I might also add that Frankie did not look like a champion at the end of the fight. He was battered and busted up (as usual). Scarface didn't have more than a nick on his nose.

Winner: Will fucking Korean Zombie finally fight already? Where the fuck has he been? I'll shoot myself if they give Clay Guida a title shot. Although I think he gets completely destroyed by Aldo. Does Ricardo Lamas deserve it? Maybe. He destroyed Koch.

And loser...: I'd like Frankie to stay at 145. Look, he's 31 years old and has to decide on a division. If he stays at this weight class I think he not only beats most other guys, but he finally gets some finishes. I can't imagine many guys standing and surviving with Frankie at this weight class. And there's a consolation prize. If he can rattle off three or four wins against top 10 guys at this weight class, he'll get a rematch. And Edgar is always better in the second fight. He beat BJ Penn easily in the rematch. He knocked out Maynard in the rematch. And to be honest I think he easily beat Bendo in his last fight. So, stay at 145, Frankie. And work on those takedowns.

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