I am bleeding from two small nail-sized cuts on my left bicep. Would you like to know why? Probably not, but if I could have just ten minutes of your time, I'd like to let you know why. It is because I pinched myself. Not once, not twice, not three times, but a hundred fucking times. Why, you ask? It is because I am fucking dreaming and I would really like to wake up from this shitty dream. It is not 2 a.m. E.T., I am not in my living room, I am not writing a fanpost on this laptop, and it is not Saturday, February 2nd. There is absolutely no way that what I saw today was real. It was simply a figment of my imagination. Nothing more, and nothing fucking less. But since you are all reading (I like to think all of you are), I'll describe this ridiculous dream to you.
I just finished watching Rivera destroy Figueroa along the cage with a barrage of punches. It was an amazing display of violence but little did I know of the resemblance to the real masterpiece, which was yet to be seen. This is when things got a little bit interesting. Chico, the favourite, who was on his way to a decision (most likely), was tapped along the way. OK, fair enough. My dream seems pretty reasonable so far. Nothing to be shocked about.
Then Yves Edwards gets outworked and loses a split.
Then Tyron Woodley knocks out Hieron in 35 seconds!
Then Green stuffs Volkmans takedowns, laughs at him, takes him down, grounds and pounds him, and submits him!
Un-ba-fucking-leivable! What the fuck did I just see? I start to realize I'm dreaming during that fight but then there was a short sequence where Kim Winslow inexplicably stands up Bobby Green while he was very active on the ground. I ponder to myself, "Hmm, a Kim Winslow fuck up. This can't be a dream."
Then Maia absolutely fitches, carpets, blankets, mummy wraps, dry humps, and makes love to Fitch for a UD win. "Ha......ha funny", funny, you say? No, for real, Maia defeats Fitch via UD. Let that sink in for a second. Who woulda thought, that the way to beat Fitch is to fitch him before he fitches you? A taste of your own medicine, you bastard. By the way, I enjoyed every second of that fight, and found the grappling to be exciting as hell. This must be a dream, but whats more shocking at this point is, why it isn't a wet one.
Fast forward, Overeem is fist pumping his way into the octagon listening to some techno in true faggoty European fashion. You're not at the club, just knock 'em out and get it over with. Fast forward again, Big Foot has Overeem along the cage and UNLOADS on him. Overeem got knocked out, woken up, knocked out, woken up, and knocked out again! My jaw drops, my penis shriveled into my scrotum, and I am staring at the screen. Have you ever felt the feeling of "nothingness"? Well this was it. I felt empty. Ben Rothwells gas tank after the 1st round of a fight can't be compared to this feeling. I cannot believe what I just fucking saw. Bigfoot just finished knocking the living fuck out of Overeem.
Noguiera. Little Nog? Ring a bell? The guy who got taken down and controlled by Phil Davis? The guy who lost to Bader and and barely beat Brils? The guy who was supposed to be taken down at will? Yep, that guy. I love the Nogueira brothers but for the love of God, I'm talking about flat-footed and slow 36 year old Noguiera (46 really, since 1 year in pride = 3 years in UFC). The guy who's TDD is shady at best and who's submission game is stifled by top heavy wrestlers. Well, so much for all of that, he just finished stuffing all of Rashads TD's, landing alot of his strikes, and winning a UD. Not even a split! A unanimous decision!
Tell me I'm dreaming. This event was unreal. The amount of upsets was ridiculous, and it was just one after the other after the other after the other in the main card. Maia by UD, Silva by TKO, and then Nog by UD. Can you give me a break?! Bobby Green making a fool out of Volkman? Really?! And not only that, Tyron Woodley knocking the flying fuck out of Jay. Even the damn favourites aren't winning the way they're expected to.
My brain needed to process what the fuck I just saw, but only to get hit with another huge upset, followed by another huge upset, and followed by another. My brain cannot compute. System overload. I am shocked. This is a dream, even though the pain and blood on my arm tells me otherwise. There was just way too many upsets. I'm looking forward to watching the real UFC 156 tomorrow and getting more than a measly 36 points on playground. Anyways, have a good night, and thank you for reading this horribly written fanpost. I apologize ahead of time.