FanPost

Barao versus McDonald: the report cards

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Fuck.

What else is there to say? Just, fuck.

Today's report cards are going to briefer than usual, partly because I shit the bed yesterday and don't want to remember the traumatic events, and partly because I don't want you guys to rec this so we can keep the Scotti posts up longer.

Now, I know Bloody Tampon's favourite expatriate Cory Braiterman would disagree, but this was the worst fucking card since UFC 149 when Renan Barao headlined six decisions and a fairly boring event. This one blew that shit out of the water with boredom. At nine draws, one injury TKO, and two actual finishes, this ranks as one of the worst cards OF ALL FUCKING TIME.

But like I said, some people thought it was great, so what the fuck do I know? I'm sure if UFC on FX 7 had a dong, Cory would've been on his kneepads yesterday.

I don't know what's happening to the UFC these days, but when four out of every five fights goes to the judges, it's not working. Time to change the rules or something.

I went 0 for 7 to start the card yesterday. Zero for fucking seven. And I got 3 of 12 fights correct. I'd have had better luck having a monkey throw his feces at a pie chart of the fighters and picking the ones with the most splatter.

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[DISCLAIMER NOTE - All UFC images in this post were sourced from Facebook.com/UFC and are the intellectual property of Zuffa LLC/Josh Hedges.]

* * *

Munchkinweight [125]: Phil Harris (C+) versus Ulysses Gomez (D-)
Prediction: Useless fuck by decision
Result: Harris by decision

Not much to say here. Gomez thought he was Carlos Condit out there, landing baby leg jabs while fleeing for his life. Literally, fucknuts would land a baby leg jab and then start doing the running man backwards across the cage until he could set up for another baby leg jab.

Harris, meanwhile, punched Ulysses in his useless Justin Bieber-loving face to win the unanimous decision. I hear Gomez later took to Twitter to whine like a little bitch about the decision, to which I say: "I've passed turds with more fight in them than you have, Useless. Now go train a backbone into your fight game before I call my friends to play a round of toss the midget."

Winner: There's, like, 12 fucking guys in this division. It can't be too hard.

* * *

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Bantamweight [135]: Vaughn Lee (C) versus Motonobu Tezuka (F)
Prediction: Tezuka by decision
Result: Lee by decision

Here was Tezuka's whole game plan in a nut shell. Charge at Lee, drop to one knee, lock hands, bury face in jock, and uselessly try and pull Lee to the ground without success. Rinse, repeat. That kind of shit probably works wonders in Japan, where guys don't cut weight and men and women look the same with makeup on, but in America... I mean England... that shit don't fly.

Not that Lee did fuck all either. Standing around and waiting for Tezuka to do something seemed to be his entire strategy. The only exciting scramble of the entire fight was when Tezuka pulled guard and created some scrambles, something he refused to do after that.

Winner: Nobody. Lee sucked donkey balls.

* * *

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Middleweight [185]: Tom Watson (B-) versus Stanislav Nedkov (F)
Prediction: Nedkov by KO in round 2
Result: Watson by TKO in round 2

I think the UFC sponsor should be Cialis or Viagra because nobody can get it up and finish. Nedkov beat the unholy piss fuck out of Watson in the first round, but blew his load prematurely and gassed out. When he came back out in the second round he looked like a man stuck atop Mount Everest with the sun going down and no oxygen tank.

Nedkov tried to wrastle some more, but Watson bided his time, landed some more Muay Thai (which was money all night) and then followed Nedkov to the floor when the Bulgarian quit like a Frenchman in a World War II reenactment. Watson beat Nedkov up a bit and the ref called it off.

Winner: Hard to say. Nedkov was dropping from 205 so he was unranked at 185. I like Rafael Natal.

* * *

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Featherweight [145]: Andy Ogle (C+) versus Josh Grispi (F)
Prediction: Grispi by submission in round 1
Result: Ogle by decision

Before this botched abortion of a fight I said that if Ogle wins I literally know nothing about MMA. I'm a man true to my word, and will no longer be writing my Quick and Dirty prediction posts. If Andy fucking Ogle is winning MMA fights I clearly have no idea what the fuck I'm doing in the predictions department.

I just want to say for the record that Ogle is a fucking terrible fighter. I mean, he's a Bellator undercard fighter for sure. Sadly, I think Grispi couldn't cut it on Bellator's prelims either. The man has literally fallen off the face of the MMA world. Losing to Dustin Poirier by decision? Respect. Losing to Andy Ogle? Dude, quit now.

The most irritating thing is that Grispi had Ogle in a triangle for what seemed like an hour, but like Nedkov he couldn't finish. As for Ogle, he held Grispi down for three rounds. Congrats, douchebag.

Winner: Ogle is a third world garbage pile.

* * *

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Lightweight [155]: Paul Sass (F) versus Danny Castillo (B-)
Prediction: Sass by submission in round 1
Result: Castillo by decision

According to Fight Metric, Sass landed four fucking punches in the fight. All you really need to know, eh? Sass had his moments early, but after Castillo showed him he had literally nothing for him in the submission department, Sass seemed to break mentally. The third round was basically just for show.

Sass is a really crafty submission fighter with an incredible triangle and leg locks, but once the guy fails to secure either one he seems to run out of ideas. Iactually feel bad for the kid. I mean, it's bad enough being English.

As for Castillo, he was pretty boring. He landed a little ground and pound, but mainly he held Sass down and did nothing to finish the fight.

Winner: Does it matter? Castillo isn't relevant at this weight class.

* * *

Lightweight [155]: Renee Forte (B+) versus Terry Etim (D)
Prediction: Etim by decision
Result: Forte by decision

I didn't mind being wrong on this one. I love the TUF Brazil guys and Forte was always a small guy fighting at a weight class too large for his frame. Dropping to 155 was a great idea and he looked great out there. Etim looked like a stick insect next to Forte, who was aggressive and relentless in his attack.

I think Etim's still recovering from the head reattachment surgery he received after Edson Barboza kicked it clean off in his last fight. He looked listless, confused, and weak out there. And as a skeleton at 155 there's nowhere else to go for him.

Winner: I have no idea. He's new to the deepest division in MMA and likely not even top 100 at this point.

* * *

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Welterweight [170]: Matthew Riddle (C) versus Che Mills (F)
Prediction: Mills by decision
Result: Riddle by decision

Well, it looks like Riddle came up with a great idea during one of his hazy moments hitting the bong. Instead of being an exciting fighter who loses fights in bangfests, he'd become another one of the thousand douchebags at 170 who grab a fighter, drag them to the canvas, and do heavy groin-thrusting into their leg.

Riddle is now officially a layer and prayer. Not that Mills did much to stop it. Joe Rogan's assessment of Mills being a killer notwithstanding, he was pretty fucking useless all night long, as Riddle took him down at will, and humped his leg mercilessly.

A good career move for Riddle. A good way to lose fans.

Winner: I like TJ Waldburger, he won't let Riddle lay on him.

* * *

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Light Heavyweight [205]: James Te Huna (C-) versus Ryan Jimmo (F)
Prediction: Te Huna by KO in round 1
Result: Te Huna by decision

If you told me that Te Huna would go to a decision before this fight, I'd have told you you're a dumb fucking moron. And I'd be perfectly right to say it. If you then told me that Jimmo would almost knockout Te Huna early before shitting the bed and letting Te Huna recover and win the fight, I'd have told you not to give up your day job because your fiction writing is terrible.

But that shit happened, yo. Jimmo headkicked Te Huna into last week, and swarmed on him. But much like Sass, Grispi, and Nedkov, there was no finish. In fact, going into Te Huna's guard was probably a mistake when he was getting the better of the standup. But then again, nobody could accuse Jimmo of having a fight IQ higher than George W Bush.

Winner: Despite Te Huna's shitty performance, I'd like to see him against Jimi Manuwa.

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Welterweight [170]: Gunnar Nelson (C+) versus Jorge Santiago (D)
Prediction: Nelson by decision
Result: Nelson by decision

Gunny won this fight but it wasn't pretty. He looked really sloppy on the feet, getting tagged repeatedly by a Jiu-Jitsu guy not exactly known for being a power puncher. In fact, Santiago has a pretty glassy chin and Nelson couldn't touch it all night.

Nelson lost the first round before remembering he's a world class ground guy, and then used the second and third rounds to put the remainder of the English crowd who were not passed out into a coma.

To end the fight, Nelson inexplicably stood there like Anderson Silva with his hands down and chin up and tried to dodge punches as Santiago waded in Leonard Garcia retard style. Instead of being like Silva, however, Nelson took several to the chin and almost got dropped as his legs buckled.

After the fight, Dana White said Nelson lacks a killer instinct. Dude lives in Iceland, what the fuck did he expect?

Winner: Nelson may be undefeated but he's in the wrestlerape division of the UFC. There's no shortage of guys willing to put him on his back for three rounds. Jon Fitch, Mike Pierce, or Tyron Woodley all come to mind. I also think he's going to get knocked out if he fights hands down and chin up against the top strikers at 170.

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Light Heavyweight [205]: Jimi Manuwa (C) versus Cyrille Diabate (D)
Prediction: Diabate by TKO in round 2
Result: Manuwa by bullshit doctor TKO in round 1

To say this was disappointing would be like saying 9/11 was a little sad. When this fight was announced I pictured Don Frye versus Yoshihiro Takayama. Instead we got Che Mills versus Bang Ludwig.

This wasn't a legitimate TKO for Manuwa. Sure, he landed a few shots in the first round, but nobody looked worse for wear after the first round and if I was a betting man I'd say that fight was going to a decision. Manuwa fought conservatively and risked very little staying on the outside of Diabate's superior reach.

Manuwa fought so conservatively, in fact, that the fucking elite striker took Diabate down for some lay and pray! Chalk that one up as the shock of the night. All in all, yet another turd plunged from the toilet.

Winner: I'd like to see a rematch, honestly. I don't think Manuwa won that fight.

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Featherweight [145]: Cub Swanson (A) versus Dustin Poirier (A-)
Prediction: Swanson by TKO in round 3
Result: Swanson by decision

This was easily fight of the night and the only really entertaining fight on the whole card. Sadly, the retards running Zuffa gave the fight of the night to Nedkov and Watson, which is ridiculous since it was a total shitshow. Nedkov punched himself out like Shane Carwin on Brock Lesnar, and came out to the second round with a gas tank on E. We already saw that fucking fight, and it was the main event of UFC 116.

This fight was just beautiful, despite the lack of a finish, with a war on the feet, scrambles on the ground, submission attempts. It had it all. When Swanson was taken down in the third, the omoplata escape was inspiring. I couldn't have asked for a more exciting or more surprising turnout from Cub Swanson.

Now that I think about it, it's absolutely criminal to give Stanislav Nedkov a bonus for punching himself out and gassing after one round, while Swanson and Poirier put on an early candidate for fight of the year.

As for scoring, I thought Poirier won 29-28, but I can see round 1 going either way.

Winner: Swanson has fought back from WEC obscurity and a crushing title loss to Aldo to putting himself back at the top of the 145 division. Really impressive. There are some poisonous matches for Swanson now, including Chad Mendes (who he lost to at WEC 50) and Clay Guida, but if he gets Denis Siver or Chan Sung Jung I think he does ok.

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Bantamweight "Interim" Championship [135]: Renan Barao (B) versus Michael McDonald (C-)
Prediction: Barao by TKO in round 2
Result: Barao by submission in round 4

I think what pisses me off about MMA Playground is that if you pick a finish you have to be so precise about it. I picked a finish, which I think goes against how most people saw this going down, and I scored a finish. I just didn't the round or method. But I still score 5 points, the same as some asshole who picked a decision. It makes no sense.

Anyway, kind of a dull fight. Barao outclassed McDonald everywhere, and after McDonald showed he was only going to box, Barao overwhelmed him with his superior arsenal, scored a TD, and choked the life from him. I like McDonald, but you can't come to an MMA fight with one discipline, son.

Winner: As far as I'm concerned Renan Barao is the 135-pound champion. You can't sit on the sidelines for two years and call yourself the champ. When or if Dominick Cruz ever gets better he can get the immediate title shot.

* * *

That's it, I'll see you guys next week after the Hendo versus Machida fights. I won't be doing a preview because, like I said, I have lost the right to predict shit. And I won't be entering my picks into MMA Playground for the women's fight or reviewing it afterwards in the report cards. Women's MMA is garbage and I won't be validating it by writing about it.

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