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Barao vs McDonald: The quick and dirty

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Phil Harris (21-10) versus Ulysses Gomez (9-3)

Two flyweights with a combined four TKOs over 43 fights? Can you say pillowfisted slap fight? May as well head to an alley in the downtown eastside and watch two crackheads fight for a piece of tinfoil. Let me flip a coin. Heads the midget wins, tails the dwarf.

Gomez by decision

* * *

Vaughn Lee (12-8-1) versus Motonobu Tezuka (19-5-4)

This one is tough to pick, no doubt about it. On the one hand, Lee has defeated a dude from Japan already and Tezuka is also a dude from Japan. On the other hand, Tezuka has beaten a cuntload of fighters from Japan, too, most of them with names as impossible to pronounce as his. Honestly, I think this one has upset written all over it in dark, red tranny lipstick.

Tezuka by decision

* * *

Tom Watson (15-5) versus Stanislav Nedkov (12-0)

We all know Nedkov isn't undefeated, he dropped down from 205 after getting his throat slashed by Thiago Silva. Still, losing to Silva is no big humiliation. There's no doubt in my mind Nedkov can knockout Watson, the question is whether Watson can take Nedkov down and control him on the ground. Believe it or not, Nedkov is a... giggle... black belt in BJJ. I know, I know, it made me laugh, too.

Nedkov by KO in round 2

* * *

Andy Ogle (8-2) versus Josh Grispi (14-4)

There's two things I'm certain of in this fight.
1. Josh Grispi can't beat any legitimate featherweight in the UFC.
2. Andy Ogle is not a legitimate featherweight in the UFC.
Ogle is an oddly effeminate, yet fuck ugly candidate for the Big Book of British Smiles who underwhelmed on TUF Live, underwhelmed against Akira Corassani, and will not disappoint in underwhelming again here. Grispi is on a serious slide but he's not Andy fucking Ogle bad.

Grispi by submission in round 1

* * *

Paul Sass (13-1) versus Danny Castillo (14-5)

There are a bunch of guys who are down on Sass since his loss to Matt Wiman. I am not one of those mega douchebags. Sass is an absurdly crafty fighter on the ground and still not even 25 yet. Can a man lose once? Is he allowed to be a flawed human being who makes mistakes? Meanwhile, Castillo is a one-dimensional fighter like Jacob Volkmann, but without as much talent. Do the Suduko math, folks. Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, baby.

Sass by submission in round 1

* * *

Terry Etim (15-4) versus Renee Forte (7-2)

I admit I have a weakness for the TUF Brazil fighters. I carry a torch for each one and keep magazine cutouts of them taped up in my locker. But Forte isn't getting by Etim. The Brazilian is probably good enough to keep from being submitted, but Etim beats him on the feet all night.

Etim by decision

* * *

Che Mills (15-5) versus Matthew Riddle (7-3)

I was dreading having to review this fight because I just don't know. Mills is an animal on the feet but Retard Riddle has a Retard chin. The symbol for a riddle is a question mark and Riddle is a complete crapshoot because you never know who's going to show up. The guy who tried to windmill Sean Pierson, the guy who submitted Chris Clements, or the guy who barely squeaked out a split decision to a lightweight?

Mills by decision

* * *

Ryan Jimmo (17-1) versus James Te Huna (15-5)

This one is Te Huna all night. Yes, Jimmo knocked Anthony Perosh's head clean off, and as far as I'm aware they still haven't found it yet. But how many brutal knockouts does Jimmo possess in his career? Oh, a TKO to Rick Roufus from 2008? That's adorable. Next you'll tell me he won a split decision over Marvin Eastman. Te Huna's going to hit Jimmo so hard that Ryan's mama is going to need stitches.

Te Huna by KO in round 1

* * *

Gunnar Nelson (10-0-1) versus Jorge Santiago (25-10)

This is an interesting fight. Nelson has nine first round finishes, mostly by submission, but he's going up against a guy who is arguably bigger, stronger, and more experienced on the ground. Santiago is decent on the feet as well, which means Nelson will have to bring whatever A game he has standing. I love me a good mystery.

Nelson by decision

* * *

Jimi Manuwa (12-0) versus Cyrille Diabate (19-8-1)

When this fight was announced my jaw dropped, my eyes bugged out, and I'm pretty sure steam started coming out of my ears like a kettle. I'm not too sure, my memory is hazy on the whole thing. I smoke a lot of weed. But if ever there was a fight that truly deserved the name "bangfest" this is it. There are two fighters at 205 who make me wince when they land, and they're basically these two guys right here. Sure, Diabate isn't the best ground guy ever, but Manuwa isn't taking this south. This is going to be a bit of pure unbridled ultraviolence. Sweet Jesus, yes. Someone pass me my bowler hat and a glass of milk.

Diabate by KO in round 2

* * *

Cub Swanson (18-5) versus Dustin Poirier (13-2)

Of course Cub Swanson is the hot bout. Of course he is. Doesn't matter who I pick, it's always the opposite of that when I'm picking a Cub Swanson fight. Here's the thing. Ordinarily I'd pick Poirier because I think he has the most well-rounded game, and can find a way to win. But fuck it, Swanson has been knocking motherfuckers out left, right, and centre. I can't bet against a lucky pony, even one as ugly as Cub.

Swanson by TKO in round 3

* * *

Renan Barao (29-1) versus Michael McDonald (15-1)

McDonald is an exciting fighter because of his boxing style. When he throws, he throws to knock guys out, which is difficult at 135 pounds of soaking wet. But Renan Barao is completely on another level. Barao is proficient in every single category. He has absurd takedown defence, a transition jujitsu game with blinding speed, and impeccable technical standup. McDonald really only has the proverbial snowball's chance in hell.

Barao by TKO in round 2

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