Welcome to the FFT: Holiday Edition brought to you by Kmastah! Judgement Day is upon us all so what did you ask Santa for?
And because who needs shit holiday tunes when we have fucked up 80's music?
Nothing to do with the holidays? Negative. It's everything to do with everything.
That's right maniacs, its that time of the year again, so tell me, who's ready to have their stocking stuffed full of holiday cheer? Yes it's the time of the year that parents can show how much they really love their children with the few simple swipes of a card, and the time when families get together, making you feel less like an ass for moving away or never returning their phone calls. A time when you say fuck it, as you put aside your short lived, post Thanksgiving diet and man up on as much of the glory that is holiday foods and desserts. The time of year you can drink holiday themed boozes non stop until your stomach bleeds and still call it "sociable". The time of year to make yourself look better by buying the best gifts and the time to tell everyone about the new year resolution promises that you already plan on breaking. 'Tis the time of year where parents bring their restless, Ritalin fueled children to stand in what is a mostly stationary line for countless hours, all for a chance to buy a polaroid picture. A $10.99, 5x5 Polaroid picture of their child, in tears sitting on the lap of some random, dirty, old, yellow bearded, street walker dressed up as a third rate discount Santa in thin, crust ridden felt pants sitting on a throne of lies, for the family to post on their Facebook, making it available to some sick, online perv creeping fuck to paste into their "Santa Baby" fetish themed blog on Tumblr.
Ahhh, the holidays. The season of giving...and receiving, as long as you play your cards right. The season where money does truly buy both love and happiness. Where people are comfortable telling their children how they cut down a tree and decorated it so that this mystical bum, that flies around in a sled led by a pack of flightless dicks for mammals, would break into their house by using the chimney, eat all the cookies, drink up all the milk, and piss on the rug...all while they were sleeping. What the fuck, really? Who the fuck had to come up with that Marry Poppins fantasy, drama bullshit just to leave a damn Lego block and a Furby? What would cause someone to come up with such a story? What did parents think would happen if they told the greedy fucks that the gifts that they thought were made by mythical midgets in a magical sweat shop and delivered by a magic bum from thousands of miles away, were actually purchased at the WalMart three blocks down?
Honestly, I could go on for days ranting about why I love the holidays, really blows my mind. From Thanksgiving to the New Year, all excuses to get trashed and party, but instead it just seems like it's an emotional roller coaster for most. Between buying gifts, decorating, preparing food, spending time with family, worrying about work, the shit just adds up so quickly that people forget to stop, relax, and take a moment to unwind. When people don't take a moment to unwind, they get into some heavy shit, and trust me...regrettably..I've been there. Symptoms usually start off light, such as taking the lord's name in vain or leaving the toilet seat up after taking a piss (down in the case of a woman), and before you know it, BAM! You're propped over in an Arby's stall taking part in filthy, unprotected, beef curtain smothered prostate examinations, pleading for mercy as Mandingo fil-....nevermind..just know that if you go down that road any further, it will take more than a few packets of Arby's secret sauces to sustain the peppermint schnapps and Sudafed addictions you picked up over the holidays.
Anyway, all I am trying to say is you can't let those holiday blues get into your head, and if you are and are stressing about the holidays, then slow down because you're probably missing the point..I know what you're probably thinking.."How am I supposed to unwind amid all this chaos?"..Well Maniacs that is why I stand here before you. Come now, pull up a chair, grab a dampened towel, warm up the petroleum jelly and do not be afraid, for behold, I, Kmastah, bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people. For today, on Mania, there has been made for you a FFT to spread the kind of holiday cheer I know I want to find in my stocking this year...
STILL would hit it...
Maniacs, what did you ask for this year?
And speaking of anal, RANDOM STORY!!!
WARNING: If you have a life, feel free to skip ahead. If not well....
I went to go see the Hobbit with some friends over the week and what a fucking process that turned out to be. When I was looking at the showtimes, the fuckers only had a 7 PM and a 10 PM showtime for the Imax 3D. Two fucking showings? That's just fucked up, and I know I could of eliminated all of my problems by degrading to the standard theater, but fuck that. Who the hell would want to sit through that shit in standard edition with a bunch of standard fucks for three hours? I don't know about you but i'm about that IMAX life for this one, and it isn't because I hate the hobbit shit. I actually like Tolkien, sometimes. It's just that the first Hobbit kind of sucked a lot of dick, and this one, maybe just the tip, but it was way better. Anyway, two fucking shows? You're telling me that for one of the year's most anticipated films, the second film to one of the most anticipated trilogies, a movie that was filmed to be viewed in IMAX, is throwing up two shows a night? Well fuck you guys.
So we decided to go to the 7 PM show on Monday, and I knew it was going to be packed as fuck with those wizard people, orcs and shit. so I went with the always classy, vodka in the water bottle, because there was no way I was doing this shit sober. After a 20 minute ride we get there and by this time I have killed the bottle...the buzz was definitely kicking in. While waiting in line for tickets the crowd looked relatively normal, but I could hear every dick clown in front of me get tickets to the Hobbit at 7 PM. Hmm...I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact they had two fucking show times? So after the other 52 fuckers ahead of me get their tickets ***drum roll*** I am up, I get my ticket and I join the other 500 assholes that got 7 PM Hobbit tickets today. My buddy and his girlfriend were behind us so we wait for them, and when they get up to the window the bitch tells him the 7 PM just sold out. Are you fucking kidding? They pleaded their case to the ticket lady, how they were a group and shit, and she caved in and sold us two more. Everyone seemed to be ok with this but me. Where they saw a generous employee, providing exceptional service to her customers, I saw a rookie bitch selling us two tickets that didn't even exist. Tickets to the theater that she just said was sold out. What. The. Fuck. Ever.
Right away the bitches of the pack were begging for treats so we stand in line and get that taken care of. We walk towards our theater and what do you know, another crowded, mob of a fucking line. We decide to take a seat on the benches across the way since it looked like we might of been the last to arrive anyway. At this point I am feeling REAL nice, but listening to all the conversations and bullshit in the mob was really killing my buzz. Between the unruly kids clinging to their mom's leg crying, the dildos munching on bails of popcorn talking about what restaurants they'd stuff their faces after, the fuckers talking about their favorite scene from the LOTR trilogy, tampons talking about what Hobbit they would like to fuck, and I was just like WTF?! Luckily before i stapled my dick to the rug, the theater man shows up gives everyone the OK to go on in. We watched and waited as the herd of steer in front of us mobbed over one another to get through the doors. The crowd was so bad the theater guy had to hurry and undo the latch to use the full extent of the double door, but finally, when the smoke cleared we journeyed into the dark....Holy shit.
For some reason, people are always afraid of the inevitable things in life. Things like death, or sitting next to someone in a public theater, so what you end up with is a shit crowded theater with one open spot every five or six seats. The theater was packed as fuck and the crowd smelled like a combination of Corn Nuts and the mesh lining to a public urinal on the strip of Vegas. Being the gentleman I am, I proposed we let the couples in our group sit in the areas you could get two together, and after that it was every man for themselves. Well after a pint or so of vodka I sure as shit was not standing, so I began my hunt. I found an opening quickly and went for it. After excusing my way through the long ass, crowded row, I was in my seat. I was nestled uncomfortably between the oldest of couples and a hefty guy in a Halo shirt who appeared to be sitting alone as well. The guy had the biggest fucking soda, like the cup was custom, and the shit wouldn't even fit inside the cup holder. No kidding, he had the shit resting on top of MY cup holder. His abnormaly large cup, teetering on my armrest was paired with one of the huge buckets of greased up, butter smothered popcorn snugged tight to his goocheal region. I was so overcome with emotions of disgust and astonishment while watching him devour the mountain of butter corn, that I didn't even realize that the movie had started and I had left my magic glasses on the fucking bench.
I spent the first half hour or so of this blurry $13 IMAX movie contemplating whether or not I should get up and grab the glasses. I know it looked strange, me watching a large man eat, being the only one not wearing the glasses, but it was just so tough to get in and out of my seat. All of the sudden, the old fuck to the right's phone starts ringing, and no he didn't/oh yes he did, he answers the call. He answers the fucking call and has a good 5 minute conversation, all about meeting at the Target after the film to buy some quick "goodies" for the kids. Now people all over the theater are shushing him, myself included. Being in the buzzed state I was, I took great joy in being apart of the shushing, even scared his old lady with a couple of good ones. But eventually he just casually hangs up the phone. Acted as if everything was cool as fuck, no apology of any kind. At this point, my decision had been made. I now had to piss and had the perfect opportunity to scurry by, smash a few toes, as all the heat was on him. I shoved my way through the row in record time, went out to piss and got the glasses off the bench.
When I got back to my row, I again began shoving my way towards my seat until I got to the old couple. The old bastard who was just on the phone a minute ago was sprawled the fuck out, in the aisle sleeping. Somehow this old ass fell asleep within the 5 minute window that I had gone to piss. His wife clearly saw what was going on, but made no attempt to wake him. So it was up to me to poke his wrinkly ass elbow and when I did, he actually had the audacity to give me a look of displeasure when he woke up, as if I had been rude about it. I ignored it, took my seat and began to relax and watch the movie. Throughout it all the Halo fucker would continue to munch in my ear, grease up the armrest and slurp on his soda, while the ancient would either be sleeping or whispering back and forth, but now at least it was all going rather smoothly. Then close to the end, the Halo fucker dropped his phone on the ground. He leaned over to pick it up and sent a whiff of his must my way, I immediately figured where the Corn Nut scent was coming from. When he leaned back up his titty or something swung over, smacked over the bucket of grease corn and sent the shit tumbling down his lap, onto the floor, and all around my feet. Thanks bro! At the end of the movie captain Halo stands up, gives a round of applause, turns towards my direction and declares it "a GREAT movie!", and awaits my response. I give none. WTF.
Never going to the fucking movies again.
And now for the most awkward part of it all..
When we first walked in the theater, when me and my buddies separated to find our seats, I guess one of them found an open seat conveniently behind mine. He told me after the movie, that when I got up to use the restroom and grab the glasses, he overheard the Halo guy talking to the old couple and a girl seated to his left. He overheard the Halo shirt guy talking about me, he saw him whisper to the girl to his left, heard him calling the old woman "grandma" and telling his "grandpa" he needed to turn off the phone... Oops..
Here is what we put together...I guess at the time we were walking into the theater to find a seat, the old couples granddaughter, AKA Halo guys sister, decided to hit the urinal. This is when I found her seat open, and mine for the taking. So..either the old couple, the Halo fucker and his sister were too shy or too nice to say anything or take the seat back when I went to the bathroom, or I was just too buzzed and too much of a dick to notice! I spent the whole movie pissed off about all of the annoying fucks around me, when I, in fact, was one of those annoying fucks. Leave it up to awkward me to unknowingly sit in someone else's seat for three fucking hours, in between some random fucks, as if I was apart of their family.
What did I learn? That collectively, they may of been one of the rudest families when it comes to theater etiquette. So if somehow they are reading this: fuck you you old fucks and your virgin of a son...and tell that fine ass sister of his I said hello. Next time I want to watch a movie, I am pirating that shit.
That's about it for wasting your time there...sorry it's anti-climatic as fuck.......
BUT ERMAHGERD LOOK ITS SOME RANDOM VIDEOS!
Alright, alright, alright....so as you know I went to go see the new Hobbit shit over the week and throughout the entire three hour movie all I could think of is that I couldn't wait to get home to watch the Clerks movies. I haven't seen them in a while and all that shit the fuckers were talking in line really reminded me of this scene. Clerks 2 bitches..
This next one is a short collection of some of my favorite scenes from the movie Outside Providence (1999). These are clips of Alec Baldwin, who plays the father, being typical Alec Baldwin, but it's pretty fucking funny. If you haven't seen it, and you enjoy the clip, I recommend you should give it a watch. To me it's the hidden gem of your typical teen, american pie, rebellion, van wilder shit movies.
One more from an old show called Wonder Showzen. Funny kid fucks interviewing random people..BEAT KIDZ Watch this shit if you haven't seen it.
And I guess GSP "retired"...
But oh well..at least we get an epic BANGFEST title fight between Lawler and Hendricks!
Next up we have UFC 168..you know, the one with the piece of shit promo that has the piece of shit music. They try to ram it down our throats every 5 fucking minutes you're watching Fox sports. Yea it's a solid card, but is it really that much better than the other ones, that you had to charge the $5 extra? Its only $5, so really who cares, but still I would like to know why. Its got a few good bouts outside the title fights, but not anything worth justifying the $5 extra. You say its got two title fights, I say it's got one and a half. Plus, it's the end of the year event, and as the spoiled fans we are, we already expected a stacked card. I don't know, maybe I am just being a bitch about it, but I am not impressed by your performance, UFC.
Alright maniacs, I fucked with enough of your time, but thanks for sticking around. Time to get sentimental.
Happy fuckin holidays...
I love...some of you...
Now for the moment you've all been waiting for...Time to bust out those fleshlights! If you don't have one, i am sure our pal Jonnyboy has one that he needs help breaking in!
Let it snow...
Let it snow...
Let. It. Snow.