In less than two months, I will be thirty years old. I'm not where I want to be in my life, either because of bad decisions, lack of action, or simply letting my failures conquer me. Maybe growing up under my dad and some of the other assholes I've had the misfortune to know over the years had me convinced I was nothing but a failure. Maybe I was too ready to believe it. I'll be honest, I've spent quite a few years doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself; drinking myself blind, losing myself in games, books and movies so I wouldn't have to face the fact I'd let the life I wanted for myself pass me by. I've watched friends and family get married, have kids, establish careers, realize dreams - and all the while I'd get more and more depressed about the state I was in, but wouldn't really do anything about it. I've thought about suicide a few times, but thinking about how much it would destroy my mom, my sister, and even my dad (probably) has kept me from doing so. Besides, there are still things I want to do. Even in my darkest moments of feeling like I'd never amount to more than the drunken, weed smoking failure I believed myself to be, it upset me that I'd never get to at least to try to do the things I wanted to do if I killed myself. But I still couldn't rouse myself to actually do what was necessary to change.
I've reached that point where I'm ready. I'm tired of the life that I've thus far been living. Hell, I've been tired of it. For years. I refuse to have my thirtieth birthday see me in the same rut that I've been in. I know it will take more than two months to get on top of things, but hopefully I can make enough of an impact with my efforts that I won't be where I am now, even if it is just one rung up the ladder. But in time, my hope is to get to the point where I can look around at my life and desire it no other way. It will take sacrfice, it will be hard, but anything worth something in life is never easy to attain. When I was a kid, I wanted to be writer, and I still kind of do - as you saw from my Batman Fanpost. I haven't really sat down to write anything in years. I hope to change that. Especially since I found out about Amazon Kindle Publishing.
I still would like to be a fighter, like I'd dreamed of a dozen years ago, but starting out at thirty doesn't seem plausible, at least not in a competitive sense. For shits and giggles, yeah. But I want to try. Which means I've got to lose about fifty or sixty pounds. Drinking and smoking doesn't help your physique - unless you're this guy:
I've already largely quit cigarettes back in January, except for a few here and there with friends, and one today when my roommate pissed me off. I quit smoking weed back in April because I knew I'd need to pass a drug test to get a good job, or really any job these days. Also,it wasn't helping me feel good any more. If any of you have ever played GTA V and you have either Franklin or Michael hit off the bong, they start voicing self loathing thoughts. That was me. I was already down on myself sober, I didn't need to be that way high.
I also quit drinking, at least for now, as of last week. My Irish blood is too strong, and I'll never quit drinking entirely, but since it's been getting in my way, I'm off the sauce until I don't need to be. Whiskey, my love, I shall miss you. It also helped my decision when my stoned and drunk roommate came home with some friends and said it "reeked" of alcohol in the living room. She said she didn't mean anything bad by it, since her room always smells of weed (and dog piss), but it was enough for me to decide to finish my bottle that night and not buy any more for a while.
So, here I am, sharing my mundane thoughts in preparation of getting my life back on track. I'm not excited about walking around all day looking for a job, and then two jobs, and then three jobs. I'm not excited about possibly having to sell my shit to pay my bills until I get them. I'm not excited about getting up at dawn instead of the crack of noon. But I'm determined to change. I'm tired of seeing other people get what I want. And I'm tired of feeling like a failure with out doing shit to change it. And I'm determined that no matter how hard it gets, or often I fail, I will not give up. Because I sure as shit don't want to be this guy:
So thanks, Cody, you've inspired me.
For those of you that have gotten this far, thank you for bearing with me. We all go through shit, from time to time. I'll leave you with a quote from Ayn Rand:
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
And finally: Life is a game of inches, So fight for that inch!