FanPost

Hump Day Whine

Seeing a naked old guy in the men's locker room at the gym!

They hang around the change room like stray cats, just waiting for the opportunity to prop their leg up on a bench and dry themselves in plain sight of everybody.

I just want to change my clothes and get the fuck outta there without feeling like I'm going to be invited to a swinger’s iced tea and intercourse party.

Falling victim to a run-in with the old, naked gym guy at my locker, post workout is the worst. When they just happen to occupy the locker next to mine, the awkwardness is imminent when they appear naked, fresh out of the shower and eager to hold a conversation. In between the few glances away from the ceiling and the ground, I can’t help but notice the outrageous pubic hair situation that old-naked gym men have going on. You cant unsee that shit. Their crotch region looks like a worm poking its head out from the long grasses. It's fucked up to say the least, and the worst part is that locker room etiquette forces you to pretend like you are soo comfortable with nakedness that you don’t even notice you’re talking to a completely naked stranger.

How are you suppose to talk sports with a guy you just met, standing in his buff, just because you’re both at the gym? If you did the same thing to the guy who changes your oil (A) you'd get Bobby Green'd with a steel capped boot and (B) you'd be charged with indecent exposure.

Then there's the "Fear Factor zone" - aka the Steam Room. Its where all hell can break loose. You never know what's going to be lurking behind the steam when you open that door. Most of the time it’s naked old man central, and if it wasn't for change room etiquette again, I'd say fuck this shit, and back step my way out of there, but you can’t. You have to act as if there is nothing weird about sitting in a tiny, steamy room, filled with a bunch of naked men. All you can do is keep your head down, and pray for five minutes to go by so you can get up and pretend you're leaving because you can’t take any more steam, when really, it’s because you just can’t take any more old man penises’ hovering around eye level for fucks sake..



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