So, apparently it's Super Bowl weekend. Somebody had to tell me that because, quite frankly, Canadians don't give a fuck. We finished that sport in November. You do NOT want to play football in Edmonton in January. That's just fucking retarded.

Anyway, time to speculate on UFC 156:

Edwin Figueroa versus Francisco Rivera

Edwin was last seen trying to get his testicles to drop back into his sac after Bruce Leeroy kicked them twice into his stomach en route to a dominating performance. Problem is, Leeroy got deducted two points for his testy behaviour, leading to fucknuts winning a bizarre decision. Rivera, meanwhile, was last seen knocking Roland Delorme back into That 70's Show where he borrowed his haircut. But then he popped for some controlled substance. I think the math here is pretty straight forward.

Rivera by KO in round 2

Chico Camus versus Dustin Kimura

It's a tough one to pick, mostly because nobody really knows who the fuck these clowns are. "Chico" is the kind of name you give your Rottweiler, although he admittedly impressed in his UFC debut. Fighting another Dustin in the form of God-fetishist Pague from TUF 14, he beat him easily. Granted, Pague was fighting on two weeks notice. Kimura, meanwhile, doesn't even the fucking common sense to have a win by Kimura on his MMA record. What a disappointment. Basically, we're left with the roll of the dice of deciding whether beating Pague is more impressive than having a 9-0 record in the minor leagues.

Camus by decision

Yves Edwards versus Isaac Vallie-Flagg

Anyone who has double letters in all three of his given names has a strike against him, as far as I'm concerned. Isaac is best remembered for winning a split decision over Strikeforce's "JZ" and is on an 11 fight win streak since joining Jackson's MMA. Meanwhile, Yves "Thugjitsu" Edwards is coming off a surprising KO of jail bird Jeremy Stephens, which makes this fight difficult to call.

Thug-Jitsu by decision

Jacob Volkmann versus Bobby Green

Ugh, all these Strikeforce guys are hard to matchup against proven UFC fighters. Volkmann is a pretty difficult guy to keep off of you, and I don't see that changing for this fight. Although I think Green survives to the judges, I picked a submission because I have too many decisions in my other predictions.

Volkmann by submission in round 3

Tyron Woodley versus Jay Hieron

Damn, somebody hates Jay Hieron. Woodley is going to hump the shit out of him for 15 minutes and that is a guaranteed 11 points. Not much else to say. When paint is bored it watches Woodley.

Woodley by decision

Gleison Tibau versus Evan Dunham

Muscle monkey Gleison Tibau is the Gandalf of the 155 division and he's going to tell Evan Dunham, "You shall not pass!" Tibau is a lot of roid rage to handle, and he packs something like 200 pounds of muscle into a "Lightweight" fight. I imagine this goes to the ground more than a few times, while Tibau rides out a decision. Dude has 12 decisions.

Tibau by decision

Joseph Benavidez versus Ian McCall

This whole fucking card is decisions. Every single one. Each matchup is designated to go a full 15 minutes. McCall is too tough to finish, but I don't see him outpointing Benavidez. I'd love to be wrong because frankly I find the big-headed midget annoying.

Benavidez by decision

Demian Maia versus Jon Fitch

I am really looking forward to this fight. I don't think Jon Fitch has had to handle a grappler this strong since GSP in 2009. Based on what I've seen from Maia in his first two fights, I see him finishing the unfinishable Fitch.

Maia by submission in round 1

Alistair Overeem versus Antonio Silva

Look, Overeem is a juice monkey and a cheater and frankly I hope he loses. But there's pretty much no chance of that happening. He's going to batter Silva on the feet, and unless Big Foot pulls a Werdum and flops around for 15 minutes, he's going to sleep in a hurry.

Overeem by KO in round 1

Rashad Evans versus Lil Nog

If you watched Phil Davis fight Lil Nog, you already have an idea of what's going to happen here. Lil Nog is extremely strong and elite on the ground, and as he demonstrated against Tito Ortiz he has underrated power. But Rashad has always been an intelligent fighter and will do what he needs to win.

Evans by decision

Jose Aldo versus Frankie Edgar

I love Frankie Edgar and he's been in some of the greatest wars in UFC history. Beating up guys at 155 as a natural 145er was incredible. Still, I have a tough time imagining him outpointing Jose Aldo. Look, anything is possible, but Aldo finds ways to win fights, and has a punishing leg kick.

Aldo by decision