Midget versus Munchkin: The (real) report cards


Seriously, Jason Probst. Just stop. You suck, clearly. And you don't even have the damned common courtesy to be funny while you're sucking. At this point it's just sad, like watching a urine-drenched homeless man give incoherent philosophical lectures and erroneously assume the three people who stopped to film his insanity with their smart phones are actually interested in what he has to say.

Anyway, time for the report cards. There were lots of battles last night, most of which went very predictably. Pettis showed why he was the last WEC champion. Guida showed why he has no fans left. And Rampage showed why he's all talk and no walk.

My predictions: 8/11 (Not that it matters in the stupid fucking money pool where round and method are literally more important than picking shit correctly)

Card's report card: You know what, this was what it was. For a free card it gets a solid B. There was nothing mind-blowing or memorable and other than the Showtime knee and liver kick I doubt anyone will really mention this card ever again.


Fight of the night: Rampage versus Teixeira. Let's face it, we all cared most about dude's last fight. (UFC gave it to the midgets, naturally they couldn't reward Jackson, who's leaving)

Knockout of the night: TJ Grant (UFC gave it to Pettis because Dana White feels guilty about fucking over Pettis)

Submission of the night: Ryan Bader

Biggest upset: Shawn Jordan knocking out Mike "Fat Fuck" Russow

Worst judges' decision: Guida "beating" Hioki for hugging

Most boring fight: Guida hugging Hioki

Beatdown of the night: Pettis on Cerrone

* * *


Welterweight [170]: Simeon Thoresen (C-) versus David Mitchell (B)
Prediction: Thoresen by decision
Result: Mitchell by decision

It's always risky picking Europeans, as I'm sure you all know. First of all, their credentials are usually padded by beating up fellow muppets and lemmings. We all know Europeans have no heart or guts or character and choke at every opportunity possible. Know of any European UFC champions? Yeah, me neither.

Mitchell manhandled Thoresen from start to almost-finish (I'll touch on that in a second), beating him bloody, and tossing the "grappler" around on the mat. And despite the fact Team Ikea was getting battered, he didn't try and get top control or takedowns. He just opted to keep getting punched in the face. He showed no desperation, no urgency, no sense of awareness that he was being demolished. For all he knew he was back in Iceland doing a kickboxing competition.

It would have been nice to see the finale of the fight but the UFC preempted that ending for their bullshit Fuel TV intro, which featured Jon Annik standing by like a tool while Dominck Cruz looked at him with a vague awareness they were live. The feed cut to the robots and intro music and the production never again even mentioned what happened or who won the fight. #EPICFAIL

Winner: Beating up a European can't be considered an impressive feat. If anything, it loses you rungs on the ladder. Give him some newb like Ben Alloway.

* * *


Middleweight [185]: Rafael Natal (B) versus Sean Spencer (C)
Prediction: Natal by submission in round 1
Result: Natal by submission in round 3

Considering the fact Sean Spencer took the fight on a week's notice and fights at 170 pounds, he did surprisingly well. Conversely, Natal did surprisingly poor. For whatever reason, he waited until the end of the first round to even get a takedown, and didn't really start working his ground game until the second.

Spencer, who's fought at every minor league organization you can think of including Bellator, was overmatched right off the bat. He never got his striking game going, and if you believe FightMetric, landed 14 strikes to Natal's 122 before he was submitted. Of course, we'll never really know how much of a factor the fingerfuck to the eye was.

Winner: Ok, Hafael, now how about picking on someone your own size? I don't see Michael Kuiper booked yet.

* * *


Heavyweight [265]: Shawn Jordan (B+) versus Mike Russow (F)
Prediction: Russow by decision
Result: Jordan by TKO in round 2

Jordan punched well above his weight last night, dispatching pudgy pugilist Mike Russow in the second round of a sloppy, slobbery fat fuck fest of failure. Russow came out like a linebacker, ramming into Jordan and landing heavy bombs. He took Jordan down at will, hit his head like a speedbag, and basically lay down a beating on him, Todd Duffee style.

Then the second round came and Russow's donut-fuelled gas tank was on E. He began fading, Jordan turned up the heat, and Russow wilted like a cop in a health food store. Jordan got to mount, landed some bombs, and Russow turned over, presenting, while Jordan did his business. Jordan was so elated at the achievement that he did a backflip.

The victory was marred, however, by the second consecutive fight where the winning fighter fingerfucked the losing fighter in the eye. Not that anybody cared, since there's never any penalty for fouls, unless it's Miragliotta calling No Contests and Disqualifications well after the fact.

Not to go into a side tangent here, but what are the point of rules if they're never enforced? Why not take a point away for eye pokes and kicks to the balls and butts to the head? Is that too much to ask?

Winner: The problem with Jordan is that the guys he could fight all have losses on their record recently. Except, as others have suggested, he fights Todd Duffee. Which actually might be perfect.

* * *


Light Heavyweight [205]: Ryan Bader (A+) versus Vladimir Matyushenko (F)
Prediction: Bader by decision
Result: Bader by first round submission

If you picked Ryan Bader by first round submission you're either a psychic or a total fucking retard. Nobody really saw the fastest submission in Light Heavyweight history coming from a guy with a face as douchey as Ryan Bader. But not only did he submit the geriatric janitor, he invented a new move. The "Darth Choke" may only be a modified arm-in guillotine choke, but I love the name.

Let's face it, "Darth" is the third gayest nickname for a UFC fighter anyone can think of, but the double entendre of the Darth choke being so close to a D'Arce choke makes it sheer genius. Actually, it just makes me laugh. Which is what makes it genius.

Beating up a senior citizen doesn't really impress me much, so I'm not going to give Ryan Bader more attention than he deserves. But that really was a cool quick finish. I mean, Vladdy didn't even land a fucking punch. Not one!

Winner: Some have Bader in their top-10 list of Light Heavyweights. That's just fucking retarded. But hey, I'm willing to be a compassionate person. Bader beat Rampage. Glover beat Rampage. Let's put A and B together and see what happens? (Hint: keep Bader's blood type nearby in the event of an emergency transfusion).

* * *


Welterweight [170]: Pascal Krauss (B) versus Mike Stumpf (C)
Prediction: Krauss by decision
Result: Krauss by decision

I'm not going to lie, I didn't pay much attention to this Bellator prelim. I basically got the gist that Krauss handed the Kraut his ass for 15 minutes and was awarded the victory. Although, I have to say, Stumpf can take a beating.

The German started out with a quick invasion of Poland, earning early victories by striking deep into the heartland of France and air-bombing Britain. Then the tide turned, and Germany started getting firebombed until Stumpf was hunkered down in a Berlin bunker with a cyanide pill in his hand and a jerry can of gasoline nearby.

Ok, maybe I took that metaphor a little too far.

Winner: I have no idea. Was Stumpf even ranked? Is Krauss? Who knows and who cares?

* * *


Featherweight [145]: Clay Guida (F) versus Hatsu Hioki (C)
Prediction: Guida by decision
Result: Guida by split decision

It's impossible for me to really understand why any judge would give this fight to Clay Guida, and for what reasons. The man is a horrible fighter, a lay and pray artist who doesn't even pass guard, land any ground and pound, or do anything other than hold on to his opponent. In the cancerous shitbags that plague the UFC's wrestlerape discipline, Clay Guida is surely the kingpin.

In the first round, Guida was lit up like a fucking Christmas tree at the Griswold's family home. I figured the entire fight might go that way, because Guida was doing his weird ineffectual bouncing bullshit, hopping around like the Easter Bunny on Mike Goldberg's favourite nose candy. FightMetric had it 31-16, which should easily nullify the one takedown.

In the second round, Guida went into lay and pray mode. But in that time Hioki's guard was so active, Guida landed basically nothing. He was again outstruck 23-12, and was constantly defending from the top. There's no reason to give Guida the round unless the sole determining factor in MMA judging is who can hold another man down. But then again, I didn't think this was called the Ultimate Prisonrape Championships.

The third I guess you could give to Guida, though he again got outstruck, since he spent most of the time holding down Hioki. But even then it's clearly a 29-28 win for Hioki. The most annoying part about this decision is that the judging just NEVER MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE. When Hioki did the EXACT same thing to Ricardo Lamas, he lost the decision. He was outstruck in their fight but went 4 for 5 in takedowns and was on top of Lamas in every round.

The judging continues to be the most frustrating part of being an MMA fan.

Winner: Fuck Clay Guida. Seriously, get hit by a bus.

* * *


Lightweight (155): TJ Grant (A) versus Matt Wiman (D)
Prediction: Grant by decision
Result: Grant by KO in round 1

The amount of nut-hugging on Matt Wiman following his fluke (FLUKE) win over Paul Sass was agonizing. This is a man who was defeated by Manny fucking Gamburyan on TUF. A man who holds victories over superstars like Mac "Feed me a burger please" Danzig and Cole "Stick Insect" Miller. Big fucking deal, guys.

Grant, on the other hand, if you studied his resume, had a majority decision loss to Johnny Hendricks at 170. The guy's been an animal since dropping to 155. If there was one surprise from last night, it was how quickly he demolished Wiman with his Muay Thai. That beating was unexpected, especially the Hellbows.

Winner: I think a fight against RDA would be apropo. That, or Gray Maynard, who has completely disappeared from MMA since beating the bouncing dancing caveman.

* * *


Featherweight [145]: Ricardo Lamas (A-) versus Erik Koch (D)
Prediction: Koch by TKO in round 2
Result: Lamas by TKO in round 2

Not much to say in this fight. Koch was outstruck in the first round, looked awkward, and ineffective. In the second round, he derped on a slip by Lamas, fell the ground, and Lamas quite literally caved his skull in with elbows. I think I saw Koch's eyeball bouncing out of the cage just as the ref stopped it.

What can I say, I thought the cockmaster was better than this. Perhaps all that orange tanning damaged more than just his complexion. Back to the Jersey Shore with you, douhebag.

Winner: Lamas is overrated and riding one of the flukiest streaks in UFC history. Time to bring him back to reality. Give him Nik Lentz or Denis Siver. Both 155ers will manhandle the fuck out of him.

* * *


Lightweight [155]: Anthony Pettis (A+) versus Donald Cerrone (D)

Prediction: Pettis by submission in round 2

Result: Pettis by TKO in round 1

Again, not much to say here. Pettis handed Cerrone his ass, as I knew he would. Pettis has been the most unjustifiably disrespected fighter from the WEC, considering he took the strap from Benson Henderson and has just two losses on his record.

I knew Pettis would finish, I just wasn't sure how or when. His standup is among the best at the 155-weight division, and as creative as it gets, as evidenced by his cage-jump knee and his Capoeira spin kick early. A rematch against Bendo (or Melendez if he wins) is not only long overdue, it's the only thing that makes sense now.

Winner: Fight the winner of Bendo versus Melendez

* * *


Light Heavyweight [205]: Glover Teixeira (A-) versus Rampage Jackson (C+)

Prediction: Teixeira by TKO in round 3

Result: Teixeira by decision

I'm not going to shit all over Rampage now that his stint in the UFC is done. He was entertaining and he's a fun personality. But his whining was getting a little disrespectful toward the end, especially directed a promotion that has shelled out millions to make him happy. It's not Zuffa's fault that Rampage has a voracious appetite for squandering his winnings.

This fight went pretty much as expected, although I thought Rampage did much better than I gave him credit for. He was clearly motivated, and at times I saw a hint of the magic and fire that made him such a force in Pride. Guys like Rampage are a rare breed, having the sort of mental and physical toughness to overcome a lack of complete training.

As for Glover Teixeira, I don't think he lost his lustre by taking Rampage to a decision. He clearly dominated (I had it scored 30-26) and will be a challenge for anybody at 205. If I have one criticism, it's that he was too patient with Rampage. I felt like if he turned up the heat he might have gotten the finish.

Winner: Although Teixeira has fared very well against elite strikers, I'm not sure how he gets past an Alexander Gustafsson (who's booked against Mousasi) and I definitely don't see him beating Phil Davis (who he should fight next). Although it's probably sadistic of me, I'd love to see Shogun take on Teixeira, although I know he already turned that down before. Alternately, he could crush Ryan Bader.

* * *


Flyweight Championship [125]: Demetrious Johnson (A-) versus John Dodson (B)
Prediction: Johnson by TKO in round 3
Result: Johnson by decision

They said John Dodson couldn't be held down. They were wrong. Johnson used his ridonkulous speed and conditioning to outclass the TUF alumni and retain his midgetweight belt. Dodson started out strong, landing some painful jabs that dropped the champ a few times. But as the fight wore on, Dodson faded and Johnson grew stronger.

I had Johnson winning the first round by a hair, Dodson evening it up in the second, and then Johnson edging the third. The champ then dominated in the fourth and nearly got the finish in the fifth. Although some people complained about the knee, let's get real here. A man putting his middle finger on the mat is not a downed opponent. And Johnson manipulated that stupid rule to the fullest extent in the fourth round, battering Dodson's midget head inbetween warnings from Big John about whether his hand was on the mat or not.

Dodson did much better than I gave him credit for. He's a legitimate top 125-pounder and gave a good account of himself, even though he looked like an abject retard waving to the camera during the intros.

Winner: Clearly John Moraga is next in line for the shot. The division is pretty thin, so I think they either convince more midgets at 135 to drop down, or else start recruiting from Japan.

* * *

That's it, I'll see you at UFC 156 when Edgar takes the strap from Aldo, Maia ends Fitch's reign of blanket terror, and the Steroid King knocks out the genetic mutation known as Bigfoot.

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