David Mitchell versus Simeon Thoresen

Picking a winner in this fight is sort of like choosing whether to kiss your sister or your mother. It's lose-lose. Simeon is some lanky motherfucker from Europe who doesn't even have the redeeming feature of having English as either his native tongue or his colonial superior. That right there is grounds to deem him a sissy. But then again, David Mitchell's album of greatest hits includes getting held down for 30 consecutive minutes in the UFC by submission fighters.

Thoresen via decision

Rafael Natal versus Sean Spencer

If you watch Bellator then you already know who Spencer is. He's nobody. Sure, he's racked up a 9-1 record beating fellow nobodies in the minor leagues, but Rafael Natal is a dangerous submission fighter who likes to laugh at you while he punches you in the face. Although that backfired against Andrew Craig, I'm betting that's not going to hurt him against Spencer.

Natal via first round submission

Mike Stumpf versus Pascal Krauss

You know what I hate about free cards? Having to Sherdog fighters. I hate having to Sherdog fighters because Sherdog fucking blows. It has a black background. Guys, a black background. What website not from the year 1995 has a black background anymore? Look, I get it. This is a battle of German dudes with difficult-to-pronounce names. No red-blooded North American boy would dare cheer for a man with a German name. But since I have to pick...

Krauss via decision

Mike Russow versus Shawn Jordan

Wooo. Are we excited yet? Whoopde fucking doo. Ok, who do ya got, the fat Chicago cop last seen fishing for donuts on the canvas or the bald guy who played the slow dance with Cheick Kongo against the cage for 15 minutes? Personally, I'm leaning toward not giving a fuck. This fight has all the sex appeal of watching Snooki get her asshole bleached.

Russow via decision

Ryan Bader versus Vladimir Matyushenko

Despite the fact Ryan Bader was born around the time Vladdy was furiously masturbating to Belorussian beach bunnies, these guys actually have a lot in common. They're both boring as fuck to watch fight. They're both lay and pray artists. And they both treated Jason Brilz like a fleshlight. Personally, I'd like to think Vladdy has it in him to pull off the upset, but I think we both know "Darth" Bader is going to put the old man on his back.

Bader via decision

Clay Guida versus Hatsu Hioki

When some guys drop down a weight class, it's exciting news. The fact that Clay Guida, with his annoying bouncing, hair-flailing, dry-humping, pillow-fisted power, is dropping down is horrible news. Although Hatsu Hioki is a decent grappler, Guida is going to introduce him to the agony that is Huggy Bear. Early candidate for most boring fight of the night.

Guida via decision

TJ Grant versus Matt Wiman

Phew, finally a decent fight. This one is going to be about imposing will. As in, Grant is going to have to push Wiman down and hold him there, otherwise Wiman will light him up on the feet. Whichever fighter gets to spend more time in his element wins. I know there are a lot of people out there who would like to plant a slobbery kiss on Wiman's nutsack for his miracle submission of Sass, but don't expect lightning to strike twice.

Grant via decision

Erik Koch versus Ricardo Lamas

WEC fighters Lamas and Koch are set to battle and this one feels a little unbalanced. Lamas has a history of winning three fights and getting knocked out, winning three fights and getting knocked out. Guess how many wins Lamas has right now? I'm not saying that's the only reason Koch is going to win. There's a reason he was booked to fight Jose Aldo. He's a legit top-145er.

Koch via second round TKO

Anthony Pettis versus Donald Cerrone

A lot of people shit all over Pettis for losing to Huggy Bear in his UFC debut, and assume Cerrone is going to hand him his ass here. That's disappointing because Pettis is not only one of the most exciting fighters in the division, the fucking guy Matrix kicked the so-called Lightweight champ in the face back in the WEC to win the 155-pound strap. Pettis is a dangerous, dynamic, powerful fighter. Cerrone is technically excellent, smooth, and also powerful. But he's not on Pettis' level.

Pettis via second round submission

Quinton Jackson versus Glover Teixeira

Look, Rampage is one of the toughest mothers to ever step into a fighting enclosure. He's durable, mentally tough, and can surprise people with his strength. But look, this isn't 2005 and this isn't Pride. Rampage's most impressive win was last against Dan Henderson in 2007. Beating Wanderlei Silva, Keith Jardine, and Matt Hamill is no fucking big deal. And frankly, Machida won that fight. Glover Teixeira is brutal, regardless of where this goes. He's been to the judges just once since 2005. Rampage is in for a long fucking night.

Teixeira via third round TKO

Demetrious Johnson versus John Dodson

John Dodson has risen quickly from TUF scrub to title challenger. But look, Johnson proved he's on a whole other level in his fight against one of the most technically sound midgets in the world (frankly, the split decision was a robbery, Johnson dominated). Dodson is going to get banged around hard here. Even though it's only 125 pounds, I can't see Dodson surviving to return to Munchkin land in one piece,

Johnson via third round TKO