Belfort versus Pillow Fists: the class fails


Well, Jesus Christ went and helped his Brazilian buddy win again last night in UFC on FX 7 in Brazil. Which was awfully nice of him considering he totally shit the cross back at UFC 126 when he let Belfort become a human highlight reel of embarrassment, taking Anderson Silva's foot to his taste buds.

Jesus was busy last night picking a whole bunch of winners and losers. He also handed a victory to Edson Barboza, who after savaging Lucas Martins immediately dropped to his knees and pointed to the magic man in the sky.

Although I do appreciate Jesus helping me out with Barboza, he really fucked me on Bisping, and I wish the Lamb of God would just fuck right off during UFC events from here on out. I mean, you'd think a 2,000-year-old zombie-vampire would have better shit to do on a Saturday night.

My predictions: 6 for 10

Card's report card: It was pretty much a turd sandwich from start to finish. When Daniel Sarafian and Doucheface get a Fight of the Night bonus for their horrible performances, you know an event sucked massive ballage. What did we not see last night? Poor cardio: check. Absurd judging: check. Horrible refereeing: check. Early stoppage in the main event: check. D


Fight of the Night: You know what? Nobody. Why hand out a bonus when no fights deserve it?

Knockout of the Night: Khabib Nurmagomedov (Bisping wasn't even fucking knocked out)

Submission of the Night: Ildemar Alcantara

Biggest Upset: Nik Lentz handing Nunes his ass

Worst judges' decision: Sarafian versus Dolloway

Most boring fight: Markes versus Craig

Beatdown of the night: Lentz versus Nunes

* * *


Lightweight [155]: Francisco Trinaldo (A-) versus CJ Keith (C)

Prediction: Trinaldo by T/KO round 1

Result: Trinaldo by submission round 2

This fight went pretty much as expected. The former Jungle Fight Lightweight Champion came out and manhandled Keith, throwing a suplex or two before locking in the mount and sliding to side control for the arm triangle choke. Actually, Trinaldo is so ridiculously strong he finished the choke while his leg was still in half guard.

After being stopped in his first two UFC fights, I expect Keith will be sent back to crushing cans in "The Warriors Cage."

Winner: Trinaldo lost his UFC debut against the juiced up gatekeeper Gleison Tibau, so he was put against weaker competition and came on top with flying colours. I think Ross Pearson presents a good mid-tier test. Alternately, he could welcome Ryan Couture.

* * *


Light Heavyweight [205]: Ildemar Alcantara (A-) versus Wagner Prado (D)

Prediction: Prado by T/KO round 2

Result: Alcantara by submission round 2

When Prado got fingerfucked by Phil Davis, I think many of us wrongly assumed that lasting one minute with the UFC veteran was an indication he was top of the food chain. Then when he was choked the fuck out, flopping uselessly like a fish on the first day in prison, we all thought, well, it's Phil Davis. He'll win the next one.

The excuses done run out. Prado took his white belt to the ground last night and got his knee barred for his troubles. "Al Contra" meanwhile, survived an early onslaught by Nacho Libre and made a decent impression in his UFC debut. Although he was tagged repeatedly in the first round, he showed he definitely belongs... beating up Brazilian can crushers.

Winner: The thing that sucks more for Prado is not only did he lose to Al Contra, he lost to a Middleweight fighting on one week's notice.

* * *


Bantamweight [135]: Yuri Alcantara (A) versus Pedro Nobre (F)

Prediction: Alcantara by T/KO round 2

Result: No Contest because of incompetent refereeing

Although Al Contra's younger brother Yuri was laying a beating on Pedro Nobre fairly early on, the UFC newcomer looked impressive in defending, fighting off a kimura that looked so deep it had balls in it. Then, instead of taking his pounding like a man, he sensed a way to keep an "L" off his record.

Dan Miragliotta, who is a man with about 3/4 inches of brain, started warning Yuri to stop trying to finish the fight with legal strikes. Yuri, however, continued to throw legal strikes, so Dan stopped the fight and promptly attended to Nobre who was wriggling around on the ground like he'd been hit by an IED.

As horrified fans looked on, the fight was called a No Contest, and Nobre was helped out of the ring. Dana White called immediate bullshit and even the crowd booed the Brazilian native for his antics. Ironically, Nobre means "noble" in Portuguese. Sadly for him, it now means "Dirty fucking coward."

Winner: There's Eddie Wineland and Raphael Assuncao, although I think both guys are waiting for a top-ranked fight. I'd actually love to see if Johnny Bedford can rise to the occasion.

* * *


Lightweight [155]: Edson Barboza (A) versus Lucas Martins (D)

Prediction: Barboza by decision

Result: Barboza by submission due to punches round 1

People who were writing off Barboza after his loss to Varner need to understand something. The 26-year-old has a lethal arsenal of offensive weapons and he continues to improve. Undefeated prospect Lucas Martins learned that the hard way last night, taking such a pounding that he had to tap out because it was clear Mario Yamasaki was daydreaming about big tits or something.

Martins joins a slew of other ridiculously talented and undefeated Brazilian fighters who have, of late, realized the UFC is a whole other level of competition. I'd like to see him fight in the UFC again, though, since I don't think Barboza is a complete test for the 24-year-old.

Winner: Now that I think about it, Francisco Trinaldo would be interesting.

* * *


Featherweight [145]: Nik Lentz (B+) versus Diego Nunes (F)

Prediction: Lentz by decision

Result: Lentz by decision

Nik "The Carny" Lentz has learned, like so many other UFC wrestlers, that dropping a weight class and making the weight cut can result in the domination of far superior fighters. Darren Elkins did it. Demian Maia did it. Imagine if Jon Fitch did it? The man would rule 155 until he died of old age.

The fact is that, more than ever, wrestling has proven to be the dominant "martial art" in the mixed game. Michael Chandler recently proved it in Bellator, and Ben Askren will prove it again next Thursday. Georges St-Pierre has been proving it since 2004. The only real anomaly to the rule is Anderson Silva, who doesn't seem to need it when coming anywhere near him is lethal.

Back to the Lentz fight, this was a real one-sided beatdown. Nunes never really got his game going, and I'd swear the domination in the first round caused a mindrape that broke his spirit early. If Lentz can handle Nunes that easily, he's going to be an absolute force at 145.

Winner: Call me crazy and maybe this is just so obvious that I'm an idiot for even pointing it out, but both Dennis Siver and Lentz beat Diego Nunes. So, let's find out who's better?

* * *


Middleweight [185]: Ronny Markes (F) versus Andrew Craig (F)

Prediction: Markes by decision

Result: Markes by decision

I feel bad about this one because I originally picked Andrew Craig but changed my mind at the last minute. The reason? I went back and watched Markes against Aaron Simpson again. I remembered that Markes is a fighter who likes to take MMA and fish a coat hook up inside it and pull out the abortion.

Markes surely won the fight, but it's hard to figure out how. Did he land any punches? No. Literally, he landed none. You think I'm joking? Go back and watch the fight. Ronny Markes won an MMA fight without landing any punches. Fight Metric claims he landed five, but doesn't state if those were leg kicks or strikes. I'm guessing they didn't do much.

No, Markes won a Jiu-Jitsu fight last night. Craig, who is a hell of a game fighter, survived the smothering, and lay a beating on Markes in the third. If there were any justice in MMA scoring, Craig's third round would be worth more than Markes' stupid two rounds of Jiu-Jitsu.

Winner: Another Strikeforce matchup in Lorenz Larkin, but they probably won't waste a good matchup on Markes. I'd love to see Derek Brunson smother him though.

* * *

Featherweight [145]: Godofredo Castro (D) versus Milton Vieira (C-)

Prediction: Pepey by decision

Result: Pepey by decision

I think we've reached a crossroads in MMA whereby we, the fans, no longer have any confidence in our sport to reliably decide who wins an MMA fight. In the eyes of some people, Vieira won the fight with takedowns and back control. In the eyes of others, like myself, Castro easily outstruck Vieira the entire fight, doing more damage and earning the "robbery."

The thing is, the 10-9 must system is fucking broken. Take a look at the Sarafian versus Dolloway fight. Under the 10-9 system, the judges gave Dolloway round two for eight seconds of flurry, and a little wrestling in the third round. And with the previous fight, you have Markes winning for two rounds of grappling versus one round of domination.

The only thing that I think can really restore confidence in the system is a different scoring system altogether, preferably one that takes into account the fight "as a whole." So, maybe some guy squeaked out two 10-9 rounds, but if he lost the third round badly he shouldn't get the win.

And considering time is linear and not compartmentalized, that means the third round (or 5th round) is the most important. So, Mauricio Shogun's absolute domination of Dan Henderson is more important, by far, than Hendo's near-finish in round three. Same with Diego Sanchez and Jake Ellenberger.

But really, I just hate decisions. Unless they're like Nik Lentz and Diego Nunes, they're never really satisfying. Personally, I'd rather go back to a hybrid of Pride rules, where the first round is 10 minutes, followed by two five-minute rounds, but without the subjective yellow card system (that shit would get old fast with retards like Dan Miragliotta).

Winner: Pepey has all the skill in the world and I think he can go very far in this sport. Unfortunately he doesn't have the fight sense to know how to win these stupid decisions. He needs to move his fight camp. He also needs to stop pulling guard.

* * *


Lightweight [155]: Khabib Nurmagomedov (A+) versus Thiago Tavares (F)

Prediction: Khabib by T/KO in round 2

Result: Khabib by KO in round 1

Those who weren't impressed by the Russian's fight against juice monkey Gleison Tibau had to be at least interested in his absolute decimation of Thiago Tavares last night. Some fighters rock guys but can't finish. After Khabib rocked Tavares, he landed about 20 unanswered elbow strikes to the temple until Tavares crumpled. It was one of the more brutal finishes I've seen before and quite frankly it's ridiculous he didn't get the KO bonus for the only legitimate KO of the night.

Winner: I think people want to see Pat Healy against Jim Miller, but if that doesn't work I think either could fight Khabib. I would say put him against RDA, but frankly I think Tavares and RDA are pretty much the same fighter and we'd see the exact same result.

* * *


Heavyweight [265]: Gabriel Gonzaga (B) versus Ben Rothwell (F)

Prediction: Rothwell by KO in round 1

Result: Gonzaga by submission in round 2

Although Big Ben has always been a bit streaky, his level of bed-shitting last night was truly spectacular. The man couldn't hit slow-moving Gonzaga if his life depended on it, and he seemed to be wading around in quicksand, stumbling around like an oversized baby who hasn't learned to coordinate his movement yet.

Gonzaga didn't exactly look good either. His punching accuracy was slightly better than Ben's, which isn't saying much, but both guys looked gassed by the second round. When Gonzaga reached for the guillotine in the second round, it looked like he was about to tire, which would have left Ben in top control where he could rain down chubby death on the fat Brazilian.

Instead, Big Ben tapped out. He quit like Tim Boetsch. It was disappointing, to say the least, considering the beating he survived against Cain Velasquez without tapping out.

Winner: Give him Big Country. Stylistically, it's interesting, because both have Jiu-Jitsu, but Nelson has a considerable advantage on the feet.

* * *


Middleweight [185]: CB Dollaway (F) versus Daniel Sarafian (F)

Prediction: Sarafian by T/KO in round 1

Result: Dollaway by decision

I think I've already covered what I think about this fight. Dollaway did sweet fuck all most of the fight except for a flurry at the end of the second round and a bit of lay and pray in the third. Dollaway is a horrible fighter and I can't frankly stand to watch him fight. This was an abortion of a co-main event and the fact it was given a fight bonus makes me wonder if I should even be watching MMA anymore.

As for Sarafian, I like the guy. I really do. But he looked undersized and overmatched against a guy I consider to be LITERALLY the worst middleweight in Zuffa. I vote to cut Sarafian and send him back to Brazil.

Winner: Fuck Dollaway. He's horrible.

* * *


Does this man look "knocked out"?

Middleweight [185]: Michael Bisping (F) versus Vitor Belfort (A-)

Prediction: Bisping by decision

Result: Belfort by early stoppage in round 2

Look, I don't really care Belfort won. Frankly, I find both these guys annoying fuckbags. Belfort with his undeserved sense of accomplishment for winning a title based on a bullshit cut, and Bisping for being the worst choker since Kenny Florian.

I didn't pick Bisping because I wanted him to win. I picked him because he has a tendency to outstrike people who are superior fighters. Of course, stylistically I should have considered the matchup a little better. After all, he lost to Wanderlei Silva who has a similar approach of retard rushes, which Bisping is vulnerable to.

The thing about the finish that bothered me was that Bisping was given about two seconds by Miragliotta to recover from the head kick before he waved it off. In my mind it looked like Bisping had way more fight in him. He certainly wasn't "knocked out." Having said that, maybe Bisping quit mentally when he got rocked. Some guys do that. Frankie Edgar doesn't, but some guys do. I just hope the refs out there know the difference between the Edgars and the Bispings.

Winner: As Sarah- pointed out, Belfort looked jacked last night. We'll have to wait for the drug test to come back before we find out whether the power of Christ compelled him, or a whole whackload of steroids. If it was just Christ, then there's a bunch of very exciting guys coming over from Strikeforce, all of whom would be fun matchups.

* * *

Well, that's it. See you next Saturday where Dodson gets KTFO by Johnson and Rampage gets retired from the UFC.

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