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Quick and dirty predictions for Belfort versus Pillow Fists

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The above photo is of our reigning Mania money pool champion, who was just awarded his baby blue belt in Brazilian Baby Jujitsu. In the event you don't agree with my picks, you can always go and ask him because if there's anything our reigning Mania money pool champion enjoys more than photoshopping DetroitDrew's girlfriend into his pr0n folder (and let's face it, that's something we all do), it's offering his opinion.

This post is meant to be offered as a guide to Mania readers, but thanks to the fact we're currently infected with Bloody Elbow users, I'll try and make it a little more familiar for their tastes by offering up threats to ban anyone who disagrees with me, and making passive aggressive comments about not using profanity (you dirty cunts).

Francisco Trinaldo versus CJ Keith

If you thought fancy boy Ramsey Nijem lay a beating on CJ Keith in his last outing, you aint seen nothing yet. Trinaldo has the kind of mutant strength and power that few guys at 155 not named Gleison Tibau possess. Trinaldo is going to grab Keith's skull and fucking cave it in with the sort of fearsome fury that only a Brazilian can truly exhibit.

Trinaldo by first round KO

Wagner Prado versus Ildemar Alcantara

Prado is a scary looking guy. Which is Brazil is basically like saying the sun is fucking yellow. Still, he showed a weakness on the ground in his last fight. Fortunately for Prado, Alcantara does not have the superhuman strength of a Phil Davis. In fact, Alcantara has a slew of wins over Brazilian cans, with his last loss coming against perhaps the worst fighter I've seen in the UFC since 1993 in Marcelo Guimaraes. Anyone who has a loss on their record to Guimaraes is going to literally get his fucking skull caved in.

Prado by second round KO

Yuri Alcantara versus Pedro Nobre

Pedro Nobre is a pretty good fighter. Unfortunately, he's a midget fighting two classes above his natural weight against a top five dude in the division. Now that's a recipe for... you're used to the shtick by now... skull... fucking... caved in.

Alcantara by second round TKO

Edson Barboza versus Lucas Martins

Until Barboza got knocked out by Jamie Varner, the dude was one of the scariest 155ers in the UFC. And let's face it, he still is. That image of Terry Etim being robbed of consciousness by a spinning wheelkick, his lifeless body seeming to hover in midair before crashing to the earth like a decapitated AT-AT walker, will be seared in my brain until I lie on my deathbed. In fact, I can see myself turning to my children in my last moment and saying, "Barboza..." which my kids will misinterpret to mean I had an affair with a Hispanic woman. Anyway, as for Lucas Martins, unless he plans on borrowing Jamie Varner's aggressive inside style of banging, he's going to get cut down at range.

Barboza by decision

Diego Nunes versus Nik Lentz

Ok, here's the thing. Nunes is a decent little fighter who is scrappy as hell, with great kickboxing skills and a none-too-shabby ground game. Only problem is the guy got taken down by Kenny fucking Florian. Lentz is going to wear Nunes like a skin blanket carved up by Hannibal Lector.

Lentz by decision

Ronny Markes versus Andrew Craig

Hoooo boy, this is a hard one to call. Andrew Craig is coming off one of the most wild comeback fights in the history of the UFC. After basically getting knocked all over the cage for several minutes by Rafael Natal and looking close to taking a nap several times, he scored a ridiculous head kick knockout with seconds left in the second round. Markes presents a very different kind of opponent though. He's extremely strong, very good on the ground, and pretty unlikely to get knocked out.

Craig by split decision

Godofredo Castro versus Milton Vieira

"Pepey" didn't look too great in his UFC debut, but this guy has way too much skill to fall to a journeyman like Milton Vieira. I don't see Castro getting tapped out either. I expect him to win everywhere this fight goes, except for getting the finish.

Castro by decision

Thiago Tavares versus Khabib Nurmagomedov

Tavares is a veteran with a great ground game and he improves every time out. Unfortunately, he's fighting 18-0 Russian 24-year-old fighter Khabib, who fights with a reckless, relentless tenacity that will be impossible to deal with. The Russian is going to struggle for the takedown for a while, before landing an absurdly brutal uppercut and put the Brazilian fans to silence.

Nurmagomedov by second round KO

Gabriel Gonzaga versus Ben Rothwell

Ugh, this is a more difficult choice than ass or groin when passing somebody on an airplane seat. Although MMA Math says Rothwell, it's entirely possible Gonzaga can pull tubby down and do something nasty to him on the ground. And yet, big ugly Ben has lost just once by submission in his entire career. Plus, he looked very good last time out. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen early.

Rothwell by first round KO

Daniel Sarafian versus CB Dolloway

The only thing douchier than Dolloway's face is the fact Dolloway is still in the UFC after his performance against Mayhem Miller. The guy is so far from Sarafian's level, it's kind of fucking ridiculous. Dolloway, if he survives the first round, will greatly exceed my expectations.

Sarafian by first round TKO

Vitor Belfort versus Michael Bisping

As much as I would love to see Vitor cave in the skull of Britain's most famous expectorater, I don't see it happening. The danger will be in the first or second round, but as he begins to gas, Bisping will tee off with his pillows, peppering the Brazilian with soft but annoying punches that have zero chance of knocking anybody out. Bisping will then win an uninspired decision and earn a title fight against Anderson Silva. Who will then cave his fucking skull in.

Bisping by decision

That's it. I picked no submissions, so I'm open to surprises.

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