"I juice everyday. Right after practice I come home and my girlfriend has a big glass of vegetable juice waiting for me. It's great. I drink it fresh. It doesn't taste the best, but I look forward to it. I wanted all the nutrition. I feel great. My mental acuity is very sharp. My nails keep growing really fast. My hair is growing fast. My skin is good. Vegetable juice is just so good for your body. My inner body must be very happy I'm do it as well. I poop and it just comes out beet red every day. My body is just filled with nutrition."
It's moments like these that make me a happy mixed martial arts (MMA) fan again. And it's moments like these that actually make me happy to write about Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones.
Jones has been a magnet for criticism ever since he slayed four former 205-pound champions and gave all glory to God. Shortly after his most recent title defense, a dominant unanimous decision victory over former friend and training partner, Rashad Evans, at UFC 145, the (now) 25-year-old monster drove afoul of the law.
That boo-boo, along with the way in which he handled it, got fight fans further fired up. Indeed, the calculated, clean-cut image that Jones carefully projects outward appeared to be just one big hoax.
Or, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just a very poor decision by a remorseful God-fearing servant. Hell, if Nike gave him the benefit of the doubt, so should we, right?
But, then, he refused to take a short notice fight against Chael Sonnen when "bullet-dodging" Dan Henderson pulled out of their UFC 151 fight. That decision, which he says was in his best interests, led UFC President Dana White to cancel the entire card and then have a complete public meltdown.
Damn you, Jones, you did it again!
Until now. All is forgiven. You've given me a magical MMA headline in a time of incredible need. You've uplifted my spirit and given me cause to wake up tomorrow and do this again, just like I have reluctantly for the past six years.
My body is now filled with purpose, while your's expels radiant Ragu.