Hello, pricks. It's me, Swedish Chef, the smartest and most handsome poster on mania. And as part of my
community service Outreach program I am writing this article to enlighten those of you who missed the Olympics, or were hungover through it, to try and improve your low social standing.
It's official! The closing ceremonies are over and the 2012 Summer Olympics are in the history books and what an eventful competition 2012 has been! Now I know that a lot of you maniacs have not been outside since the last time a Twilight movie was opening in theaters so try to imagine there's a sporting event held once every 4 years with international significance. Now follow me after the jump to see the excitement from this year's events! Or go fuck yourself I don't care either way.
First off a word about my rating system:
Category 1 - Rubber Mallet
The amount of rubber mallets an event receives describes the number of times I'd rather hit myself in the groin with a rubber mallet than watch it. Think Ben Askren vs Jake Shields.
Category B - Fun Factor
The amount of smileys an event gets describes how fun it was to watch. For some of you this could be as simple as finding a new TapouT shirt you've never seen before. OOOOHHH it's got DRAGONS!!
Tier 3 Lobster Knife Fight
The lobster knife fight rating describes the propensitude for someone to get fucked up doing it. Think about the beating Overeem put on Lesnar that sent him back to imagination land.
Now on to the events!
Archery is the art, practice, or skill of propelling arrows with the use of a bow, from Latin arcus. Historically, archery has been used for hunting and combat, while in modern times, its main use is that of a recreational activity. A person who participates in archery is typically known as an "archer" or "sissy", and one who is fond of or an expert at archery can be referred to as "dumb".
Listen guns were invented for a reason, and despite what Plaxico Buress thinks, it's not to make your sweat pants fit better. But I digress. If we ever invent a time machine we can send some "archers" back in time so they can run around in tights and be happy. Or send them to the future to make them look even dumber.
Ultimate Winner: Dong Hyun Im, South Korea. Did this guy win the gold? No. He won the bronze. He's also blind. Let that sink in a minute. In a sport based around marksmanship at least 70m away the 3rd best guy in the world is Ray Charles.
Now we're talking. Now I know most of you horndogs are probably only seeing ass in this competition but let me break this down for you. U-S-A. That's who took the women's gold and silver medals. And there's a real good chance all 4 of those chicks are older than your dumb, fat ass. Now the American men put on a decent showing but they have work to do to reach the bar their counterparts have set.
Beach volleyball is 2-on-2 best of 3 sets. Because it's on sand it's a lot slower pace and takes more endurance than that weak-ass court volleyball or a UFC Heavyweight fight. Beach volleyball is much more watchable on TV and all in all this was probably the best event of the Olympics.
Ultimate Winners: Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings, USA. Normally I'd slap a ho for not taking her man's last name but I'm making an exception. Two in fact. These 2 women are the Anderson Silvas of beach volleyball. 12 years and undefeated in the Olympics, a little bit more of a prestigious organization than the fake UFC.
Is there anyone you would trust less than the NSAC after they framed Alistair Overeem? Yes. That would be the AIBA.
A referee in the contest between an Azerbaijani and Japanese fighter failed to give a 10-count during any of the 1-2-3-4-5-6 FUCKING KNOCKDOWNS Japan scored in the 3rd round. He may have been the same guy who reff'd the Joe Warren v Pat Curran fight. The decision of this fight along with another were overturned. The referee in question was expelled from competition and another suspended. 12 total fights were protested.
This was the first year however for women's boxing in the Olympics and Claressa Shields brings home the gold for the USA while Marlen Esparza gets the bronze.
Ultimate Winners: Absolutely NO ONE. Olympic boxing presented itself to the world as a joke.
I'm not really sure what the hell these cycling events were supposed to be. A bunch of dudes were riding around some futuristic Rollerball-esque arena. Imagine Excitebike minus the excite part. At least there was a chance for some injury. There was a lot of dudes in tight bike shorts. Some of you pre-ops would probably have liked it.
Speaking of people who liked it, current Redcoat Prime Minister David Cameron loved it and he decided to gloat to France about how much they sucked:
"The French should know our secret because you make our wheels. … You know they're round. They go fast because they pedal hard,"
Ultimate Winner: "Sir" Chris Hoy, GBR who is the most decorated British Olympian, which is kindof like saying you're the sexiest of the Golden Girls.
On to the toothpick competition. Somewhere out there were tens of Princess Bride fans watching with anticipation as swashbuckling heroes went at it with rapiers drawn. And I say that with absolutely no phallic undertones.
So what was the deal-y-o with fencing this Olympics? Well miss Shin A. Lam thought she had her match won until the OLYMPIC OFFICIALS ADMITTED TO THE ENTIRE WORLD THAT THEY CAN'T FUCKING USE THEIR OWN CLOCK and as a result there was actually 1 second left in her match with GBR's Britta Heidemann. Now you would think Shimmy-Sham would play defense for 1 more second. But instead she did her best Dan Hardy impression and choked in the waning second and got scored on.
Ultimate Winner: Britta Heidemann, GBR. Didn't leave it in the hands of the judges. Rumor has it Dana White is looking to sign her.
USA USA U...yeah. So while it definitely was not a clean sweep for the women's USA team they did bring home lots of medals and in the process miss McKayla Maroney earned fame through her stone-faced performance and subsequent apathetic response to earning the bronze medal.
On the men's side I don't think I've ever seen so many falls, hits, and injuries. There were so many faces hitting the floor it looked like a Chuck Liddell retirement match.
Gymnastics is an event that has a very competitive scoring range and the slightest mistake can mean the difference between 1st and 4th place. All said and done this is one of the better Olympic events to watch for both men and women's competitions.
Ultimate Winner: Iordan Iovtchev, Bulgaria. This guy did not win or medal but he finished 7th in the finals. He is a 39 year-old badass who was competing in his 4th Olympics and he could whip your pants-sagging ass with one hand. What you have done with your life, loser? You make me sick.
It's not so much what I can say about Judo so much as what I can say about NBC. You see I didn't get to view any Judo because NBC, in the grand tradition of the world's biggest thieves AKA America, has decided that they own the fucking Olympics, an international event, and individuals should have to pay to see anything other than Bob Costas or a fucking Coke commercial. NBC is a cock-sucking cancer. More on them later.
Here Ricardo Blas, an athlete in excellent shape, uses a Judo chop to defend a buttfuck from Bob Sapp. This is ultimate proof that wrestling is the redundant martial art and Judo is better in every way.
Ultimate Winner: Kayla Harrison, USA. The first American to win a gold medal in Judo.
No Rating Fuck NBC
Women's soccer was where it was at this year. The USA women stunned the Canadians in an upset to steal the gold medal right from their little socialist grubby paws.
Hope Solo talked a bunch of trash ala Sonnen but actually backed it up in the finals blocking 3 shots and securing the win for the USA. And check out this shot Alex Morgan laid on one of those New Zealanders! It was a flying knee to a grounded opponent that would've made Matt Hume and Yuji Shimada break out into spontaneous homosexual love on the spot.
Ultimate Winners: USA Women's Soccer team. PRIDE RULES!
All of you stupid Christians are stupid. Olympic swimming is the ultimate proof of the theory of evolution. If anyone ever doubted it they need to watch these events. Even the women in these competitions have Jon Jones-length arms and legs. There are lots of different swimming events and this is a sport that requires true athleticism, not like MMA where people "just bleed".
Guess what's not in this picture? A smashed Bentley and broken 40ozs. MMA "athletes" could learn a few things from these guys.
Ultimate Winner: Michael Phelps, USA. He added 4 more medals to his collection making him the most medal-winning Olympian of all time. And he didn't run off the podium like some crazed Forrest Griffin and make rape jokes on his iPhone.
Ultimate Loser: Andrea Kremer, NBC "reporter". Andrea took cheap shots at Phelps during her interviews, was disrespectful and insulting to him. What did he do in return? Broke every Olympic record. Phelps worked hard and competed for 12 years. Kremer did a job every 12-year-old on the internet does everyday: be a bitch.
Weightlifting had a great Olympics this year. 22 records were set and a lot of them by women. On the men's side of the competition defending champion Matthias Steiner tried to revolutionize the "sport" by inventing a new lifting technique.
The PAIN! The EMOTION! The INJURY!
Ultimate Winner: Everyone who didn't break something.
Normally I wouldn't cover wrestling because it's a redundant and useless martial art that churns out lay-n-prayers for 2nd-rate MMA promotions like the UFC. But there was something worth mentioning. Two wrestlers from Egypt, Abdou Omar Abdou Ahmed and Saleh Emera, did their best Nick Diaz impression and no-showed to the events and were subsequently disqualified. The reason for their late arrival was explained that they were "walking like an Egyptian" to the event. Turns out that's a slow way to get anywhere except buried under sand.
That concludes my coverage, maniacs. I hope you found it informative or at the very least stopped writing furry batman fanfic for a few minutes to broaden your tiny fucking minds. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Get off my lawn.