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Unambig report cards for UFC on FX 3

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Everything that could have gone wrong in this sloppy, shitty fucking card, did go wrong. At least for me. It's not just the points, but the low quality of fights that was the most difficult to bear. The undercard was, frankly, some of the worst fighting the UFC has ever produced.

If it wasn't lay and pray it was wall and stall. Mike Pierce and Carlos Eduardo Rocha might just have beaten out the Marcus Brimage and Maximo Blanco fight for least action of the year. This was just a shit show from top to bottom, with decision after decision, ended mercifully by the main card, producing three stoppages (two of them unexpectedly).

Facebook fights

Sean Pierson (B-) vs Jake Hecht (D)

Prediction: Hecht by decision

Result: Pierson by decision

This was the first of a series of disappointing fights, with agonizing lay and pray and wall and stall interspersed between weak-armed girl punches and half-hearted head kicks. What Jake Hecht was doing in the second round I don't think even he knows. The disappointing thing, from his perspective, should be the fact he won the third round. Worse than any of that was the fact both fighters seemed gassed, and had no interest of impressing anybody. Not the fans, not the judges, not Dana White. Why would the UFC bring back either guy?

Henry Martinez (C) vs Bernardo Magalhaes (B)

Prediction: Martinez by decision

Result: Martinez by split decision

When the first judge's score was read out as 30-27 I thought to myself, 'that's not fair, Martinez won the first round.' And then I realized it wasn't Martinez being robbed but Magalhaes. I don't think anyone expected this one. A Brazilian jujitsu guy walking around outstriking a striker. But that's what happened. Let's face it, Bernardo easily won that fight, especially the second and the third rounds. In the second round you had the midget pawing out at Magalhaes pretty much for all five minutes without landing a strike. It was weird watching somebody with a reach disadvantage help his opponent measure the distance.

Horrible judging, horrible fight.

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Fuel TV fights

Buddy Roberts (B+) vs Caio Magalhaes (C-)

Prediction: Roberts by KO round 2

Result: Roberts by decision

Another snoozefest, this one featuring a juiced out Brazilian jujitsu fighter winging arm punches at a guy with better standup. Granted, Roberts had great takedown defence, some of the best I've ever seen. It was annoying to see another gassed fighter, mouth open, chasing down the leaner, better striker, for all of 15 minutes again. And for all of Roberts' ability, he sure did a lot of Carlos Conditing. It would have been nice to see him go for a finish, instead of running away whenever he heard the 10 second warning.

Tim Means (A) vs Justin Salas (D+)

Prediction: Means by decision

Result: Means by TKO round 1

When Justin survived the initial onslaught all I could think of was Frankie Edgar. Getting up from three knockdowns and surviving would have been epic, and I was a little disappointed when the referee finally stopped the fight to keep him from getting brain damage. Still, an awesome performance from Means, and a great display of heart from Salas.

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Dustin Pague (A) vs Jared Papazian (F)

Prediction: Papazian by brutal KO round 1

Result: Pague by rear naked choke round 1

Every time a TUF scrub wins a fight, God kills a kitten. Papazian couldn't have shat his shorts any more thoroughly had he been a star in the cast of Jackass. He clinched with the scrub, then fell into full mount. Instead of taking his medicine for the full round, Papazian decided the best solution would be to give up his back and get subbed. Pague was all too happy to oblige, making this the best gift he'd received since the glory hole he'd happened upon the previous night.

Matt Grice (B) vs Leonard Garcia (F)

Prediction: Garcia by KO round 3

Result: Grice by decision

What the fuck was Garcia doing out there? Seriously. Fight Metric says he landed two punches the whole fight. Two. Watching that fight was like happening upon the medical channel just as a giant vaginal-sized cavity of flesh is ripped open with forceps, revealing the red goo inside. In short, horrible. Garcia was as useless as the proverbial tits on a bull. Grice was about as exciting as a seminar on women's empowerment.

I suppose a fighter has to do what works, but to watch Garcia get lay and prayed was frustrating. If anyone ever told me Leonard Garcia would be in a boring fight I would have guffawed. A sloppy, techniqueless brawl, yes. A decision robbery, sure. But a weak, girl-armed insect, squirming on his back for 12 minutes? Never.

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Shit, somebody help Leonard Garcia up already.

Seth Baczynski (C+) vs Lance Benoist (B-)

Prediction: Baczynski by split decision

Result: Baczynski by split decision

In the third round of the fight I was literally screaming at the TV for Seth to stop clinching and landing on his back. The fact was that he was putting a beating on Benoist, but the judges being the enormous retards they are might score it for the guy on top. This was another in a series of disappointing affairs, although the fight was lively enough at certain times when it wasn't on the ground. I think this was Baczynski's fight to lose and lose it he almost did. Luckily he did enough damage that at least two of the three judges recognized the better fighter.

Mike Pierce (F) vs Carlos Eduardo Rocha (F)

Prediction: Rocha by split decision

Result: Pierce by split decision

This might be the first 30-30 score I've ever seen. You can't really give it to Pierce, since he did nothing. Literally nothing. I guess he landed a few punches at the end, but it was meaningless. If anything, Rocha did more since he went for a few submissions. It's hard to know who to blame more in this one. Rocha for not being more aggressive, or Pierce for being the boring, uninspired, shitty wrestler he is.

Blame is probably equal here. There was an absurd amount of wall and stall in this one. The ref should have split it up about 10 seconds into every clinch. Pierce fought like absolute garbage out there and didn't hurt Rocha at all. If you really want to give him the "W", go ahead. I won't stop you. But this was in the top five worst fights I've ever seen. So really, nobody is a winner here.

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Main Fx card

Eddie Wineland (A) vs Scottie Jorgensen (C+)

Prediction: Jorgensen by decision

Result: Wineland by KO

For the first minute of the second round, Jorgensen showed why he's one of the best fighters at 135 pounds. But that was about it. The rest was all Wineland. He showed quickness, better striking, elusiveness, and used his reach advantage to full effect. Other than the aforementioned one minute of round two, this was a dominant performance.

Mike Pyle (B-) vs Josh Neer (B)

Prediction: Neer by decision

Result: Pyle by KO

Weird fight. Pyle was doing the stanky leg dance like Paul Daley out there, and I thought he was done. Neer looked great out there. He had a very active guard, landed hard shots, and waded in like the honourary Diaz brother he is. Unfortunately he doesn't have a chin like a Diaz brother. Ka-booooooom! What can I say? Flukey is as flukey does.

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Erick Silva (A) vs Charlie Brenneman (C)

Prediction: Silva by KO round 2

Result: Silva by submission round 1

The question was whether Silva was legit and it was answered. He is legit, and he's not just a great striker. He's also solid in wrestling and has lethal transitions. Brenneman has laid and prayed many a better fighter but he never had Silva down for very long. I look forward to seeing more from him against the elite of the division. Let's see Mike Pierce try and wall and stall Silva. Throw those two together and let's have Silva beat the boring out of him.

Demetrious Johnson (B+) vs Ian McCall (B-)

Prediction: McCall by decision

Result: Johnson by decision

The unfortunate thing about this fight is that you sense three rounds just isn't enough to decide. I had it scored 29-28 for Johnson, although I'd rather McCall had won. Not because I think he won the fight but he's the more fun, interesting and unorthodox fighter. His style is fun to watch because you're not following a blur around the octagon and he always has some weird and unexpected trick up his sleeve. Johnson, meanwhile, is predictable. Quick, but predictable.

Well, that's that. Another abortion of an event under our belts. If you scored higher than 45 points in this event, congrats. And fuck you.

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