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Diaz vs Miller: Unambig report cards

Oh my, oh dear, oh Lord. Why, oh why, did I not listen to unambig in his super spectacular prognostications and predictions post? And why did I not rec it and heap praise on it and follow its gospel truth?

That's what you're all saying right now. And I don't blame you. For if you had followed its advice you would have cleaned up in UFC on Fox 3: Diaz vs Miller and right now be gloating like a motherfucker like your very humble narrator. Sadly, however, we know you didn't follow my advice. Because you do not yet believe, as Yoda would say to Chewbacca.

And yet I was not perfect in my predictions. For tonight was the night of the underdogs as you may have noticed. Which means that several shoo-in predictions fell flat on their obese little faces.

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Mike Massenzio (D) vs Karlos Vemola (B)

It's difficult to imagine a man able to choke as predictably as Massenzio, unless that man's name is Pat Barry. It's also difficult to understand how Vemola was a Czech National Wrestling Champion. That must be something they hand out in post-communist McDonald's Happy Meals because Vemola gets outwrestled in every fight he's in. Fortunately, Massenzio inexplicably gave up early in the second round and Vemola got the rare no-hooks rear-naked choke. If you look closely, you can almost see the moment Massenzio's spirit breaks and the shit hits the back of his shorts.

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Roland Delorme (A) vs Nick Denis (F)

There aren't enough adjectives to describe the epic level of bed-shitting in this fight. Without a doubt, this is easily the biggest 30-second collapse in the history of MMA fighting, and frankly if Nick Denis isn't sitting in his dressing room right now with a bottle of vodka and a six-shooter with one loaded in the chamber, then he's handling this in a manner more maturely than I would.

Nick Denis was the heavy, heavy favourite heading into this fight. And for good reason. He rocked Delorme repeatedly, beating the ever-loving snot-fuck out of him, until Delorme was doing the stanky leg dance across the cage. Denis literally had only to pick his punches and wait for Delorme to fall over. Instead, Denis quite unbelievably went to the ground with him, let the kid recover for about a minute, and then proceeded to get rocked badly on the feet. The crowning moment was when he tapped out with a second left in the first round, forever cementing the legacy of Canadian fighters to pick the worst fucking possible moment to surrender, second only to the French Army.

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Undercard

Dennis Bermudez (B+) vs Pablo Garza (C-)

This result was no surprise to me. I was actually only surprised the majority of money pool pickers thought Garza would win, since this was my long-shot pick. I knew Bermudez was a stronger wrestler with good ground and pound. But I thought his susceptibility to the submissions, plus Garza's craftiness, would result in the upset. I was wrong. No big deal. Kudos to Bermudez. As for Pablo, eat a fucking burger, dude. You're one weak little bitch.

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Danny Castillo (B+) vs John Cholish (B)

I've got nothing bad to say about either man here, and but for the subliterate dumb fucks in the New Jersey arena booing the fight, I thought it was a good matchup. The unanimous decision win proved two things. First, that Danny Castillo has an ever-improving standup game to complement his wrestling, and second, that John Cholish belongs in the UFC.

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Louis Gaudinot (A+) vs John Lineker (D-)

Despite the fact that Gaudinot has the dumbest haircut I think I've ever seen, nobody can deny his heart and overcoming the odds to beat trumped-up pretender to a Fedor-padded win streak of a Brazilian choke artist in John Lineker. More people believe Elvis is still alive than those who thought green-hair had a chance in hell of winning this fight against the Jungle Fight Bantamweight Champion. Not only did he win, he choked the dude out.

Lineker came out and threw something like 600 million punches in about 12 seconds, all of which Gaudinot absorbed, and then proceeded to throw a few million ineffective more. Well, if less is more, than Gaudinot had it in spades tonight. He threw down with the Brazilian for a round, and then choked the fucker out. Props to the kid. Props. As for Lineker, let's hope he and Nick Denis are on the same bus when it runs off the road.

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Here, kids, watch while I get choked out.

John Hathaway (B) vs Pascal Krauss (B-)

No surprises here. Hathaway came well prepared with solid knees and good wrestling and standup, besting the German fighter, who earned a little respect in defeat. I think Krauss was thrown a tough challenge in his debut, but he definitely belongs in the UFC. And I think lesser fighters would have been finished after that first knee by Hathaway in the first. Good showing for both fighters. Only you wouldn't know it because the New Jersey fans booed it lustily, demonstrating that if brain cells were a commodity in New Jersey, the state would have the GDP of Zimbabwe.

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John Dodson (C) vs Tim Elliott (A)

I was really impressed with Dodson following his bantamweight showing in TUF. No longer. Truth be told, I thought Tim Elliott worked him over thoroughly, and if Dodson hadn't nearly poked his eye out in the first round, Elliott would likely have been the winner. Although Dodson probably scraped by in the first two rounds, he was beaten convincingly in the third, looking slow and trying to nurse his boo-boo.

Having said that, the fight was great. I loved the speed, the movement of Elliott, and the unorthodox moves. I seriously hope Elliott gets another chance because he is something to behold. As awkward and weird as he is, anybody who does cartwheels and flips during a fight is a guy I want to see fight again.

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Tony Ferguson (D) vs Michael Johnson (B+)

You know what they say. If something's not working for you, try the same thing over and over again. Right? I can just imagine what was going through Ferguson's mind after the first two rounds. "Shit, that punch didn't knock him out. Let's try another punch. Fuck, that didn't work. Wait, let's try another. Nope. Hang on, I just had an idea. What if I punch him? No, he didn't fall down. Hm, this is tough. I think I have a solution though. I'm going to punch him again."

Hey fucknuts. When you're down 2-0, you need to try something different other than get punched in the face over and over. You fail in the game-planning department. Show a sense of urgency out there. Watch a Tim Boetsch fight. Just do something other than what you did, which is nothing.

As for Michael Johnson, it wasn't a huge surprise. What did I say during my predictions? "I think Johnson is being overlooked here." Damn right he was. The guy might just be the most improved fighter in the UFC.

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Main card

Pat Barry (C-) vs Levar Johnson (B)

The result of this fight was never really in doubt. Few fighters are as predictable as Pat Barry. He wins a fight, he loses a fight, he wins a fight, he loses a fight. He's reckless, wild, and has no gameplan. Neither does Levar Johnson, but the latter hits like a Mack truck dropped from space. Although Johnson spent a few minutes lying on his back demonstrating the worst ground game since Art Jimmerson, he's pretty lethal on the feet.

After Johnson backed Barry into the cage, our favourite worst game planner stood there and absorbed about 600 punches before finally falling down. Round 1 KO. It was the easiest prediction I've ever made.

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Rousimar Palhares (C) vs Alan Belcher (A+)

I tried to warn you. I begged you to listen. I even tried to form an intervention with your family and friends and help you out. I asked your mother to talk to you and make you understand. Belcher is a bona fide Brazilian Ju Jitsu black belt, not some scrub like Massenzio there for leg fodder. You don't simply go for leg locks and not expect to get your face busted in. Belcher is a legitimate threat in the UFC Middleweight division and was shamefully overlooked in this fight.

Although a "C" may seem harsh to Toquino, he did put up a good fight. He got into leg lock positions and threw a scare into many spectators. But you had to know that Belcher was training this stuff for months with Duke Roufus, which he pretty much confirmed in the after-fight interview. It also puts to bed the notion that Palhares is the most dangerous man in MMA right now, which was a ridiculous level of nut-hugging given his resume's best win was Dan Miller.

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Josh Koscheck (B-) vs Johny Hendricks (B)

Some people are going to call this a robbery, but really, can you think of a more richly deserving prick to get robbed? Personally, I had it scored 29-28 for Hendricks, but whatever the case may be I don't think anyone really wanted to see Josh work his way up to another drubbing against GSP again. It's nice to see fresh meat at the top of the welterweight division and it gives Dana White another option to throw out to the Natural Born Running Man should GSP reinjure himself again.

Oh and Josh? You're a fatherless bastard.

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Nate Diaz (A+) vs Jim Miller (C)

Although I had Nate winning this fight against Miller, I don't think any of us, even the most ardent Diaz nuthuggers, had Nate winning by sub in the second round. Nate looked, simply put, unbeatable. He made Jim Miller look like he was a weight class below him, and also a skill class below. Subbing Jim Miller is no small feat either. He beat the guy everywhere this fight went. Everywhere.

Miller is no scrub. Ben Henderson beat him up thoroughly over a three round affair, but it was a spirited contest. This was no spirited contest. It was pretty much a domination. Diaz was never in any real trouble, and even rocked Miller in the first. There's no question Diaz belongs at the top of the division now, the only question is who he fights next. Showtime Pettis? Or the winner of Bendo vs the King of Rematches, Frankie Edgar.

If Diaz fights like he did tonight against either fighter I can't imagine there's a lightweight out there that can beat him right now.

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That's it, how'd you guys do?

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