Check the bedsheets guys and grab the fucking bleach because it's going to be a busy day cleaning up after last night's fights. If any of you did well last night it means you know nothing about MMA and picked blindly in a panic thinking you could luck out. Well luck out you did, you bastards, because you know when Jamie Varner, Mike Brown and Darren Elkins all win on the same card something totally fucked is going down. I'm talking Cabin in the Woods or Maximum Overdrive fucked.
I mean seriously, I would have been more willing to believe that Rick Santorum is actually a hermaphrodite frequenting bathroom stalls in his spare time before I would Jamie Varner would waltz into the UFC and forget he fucking sucks and was supposed to lose. I went five for 12 last night, which is worse than the odds of probability if I'd simply closed my eyes and stabbed randomly at names. Suckage.
Mike Brown (C) vs Daniel Pineda (C-)
Prediction: Pineda by submission round 2
Result: Brown wins by decision 29-28 29-28 29-28
It difficult to know what round the stupid judges gave to Pineda because although he sucked, Brown sucked just as bad. I mean, I guess they gave him the third round since that's what I'd give if I were scoring, but with the lobotomised sitting cageside you just never know. I guess Mike Brown won this but the first and third rounds could go either way. All I know is that Brown looked awful for a "former champion" and Pineda should have tried a tactic called "not getting taken down."
And the only thing worse than losing to a fighter who sucks is losing to a fighter who sucks and who announces his retirement after he beat you. Pineda can't be feeling too good about himself right about now.
Prediction: Teixeira by KO round 2
Result: Teixeira by submission round 1
More surprising than the fact that Kyle Kingsbury came in looking like a fucking gay pornstar from the seventies is that Glover Teixeira treated him like a gay pornstar from the seventies, rubbing him out in just under two minutes. Which is shocking, considering the beating he took from Glover's countryman, Fabio Maldonado. I mean, that has to be on the list of most one-sided beatdowns this year, other than the co-main event of course. Kingsbury looked pretty lost out there, although FightMetric says he landed five whole blows. Methinks those were flailing defensive punches as he was getting throttled from the mount.
I give this faceplant 8/10.
Prediction: Volkmann by boring decision
Result: Sass by submission round 1
What do you get when you mix one part sullen, sulky lay and pray douchebag with one part submission specialist? Answer: submission of the night. Look, I have no problem if a one-trick pony manages to use his trick time and time again in fights. I mean, if people are stupid enough to walk into the spider's web, why blame the spider? I thought Jacob "Glassectomy" Volkmann was smart enough to avoid the submissions, but I made a mistake. Hell, we've all made mistakes, just ask yo momma.
"I think Paul Sass is a great fighter and submission specialist, but there's just no way 41 per cent of people should have confidence he will find a way to sub Volkmann. That's silly."
That's what I wrote. I'm ok with eating crow. I think Sass' submission sends a huge message to the top of the division. This kid will find a way to win, every time. His standup may be lacking but until he pulls a Barboza we can't doubt him.
I think Obama would have wanted it this way.
Dan Hardy (A+) vs "Bang" Ludwig (C)
Prediction: Ludwig by decision
Result: Hardy by KO round 1
I don't know about you, but I wasn't expecting Dan 'Ardy to be able to knockout a Muay Thai world champion and a U.S. K-1 kickboxing champion. I mean, what the fuck, Bang? I can't help but award Dan the "A+" because there's no way I figured he was going to do anything other than suck again. And I know a few people felt he got a lucky shot, but I had Hardy winning that round before the lights out came. He landed two big shots on Duane's chin before that, and that was a portent of things to come.
As others have pointed out, it's nice to get that monkey off his back. Now he can start a new four-fight losing streak.
Jason Miller (F) vs CB Dollaway (F)
Prediction: Dollaway by decision
Result: Dollaway by abortion
I figured this fight might suck but I had no idea the magnitude of what I was saying. This might just be the worst fight since Ken Shamrock made sweet love to Royce Gracie for 36 minutes at UFC 5. Horrible, terrible fight. Jason Miller looked like a weak, tired little girl, while Dollaway almost got knocked out by pillowfists three times before jumping into Miller's guard and laying there and taking a nap. Speaking of naps, Yves Lavigne went on vacation for the entire fight, content to let this travesty continue long after Mayhem had ceased to be even Bellator undercard material.
Based on last night's performance I'm pretty sure that those two fighters are number one and number two at the bottom of the middleweight rankings in the UFC. Both should retire today and try hard to forget that 15 minutes of abject putrid garbage they forced FX viewers to watch. If any casual fan watched that fight they'd be right in thinking MMA is a boring, homoerotic hugfest of half-naked bozos with stupid-looking haircuts. You could at least "just bleed" like Big Foot.
Edson Barboza (D-) vs Jamie Varner (A+)
Prediction: Barboza by decision
Result: Varner by KO round 1
Really? Another A+? Fuck yes, another A+. Varner walked in as an underdog, a forgotten former champion in the WEC, a relative unknown and nobody except for those who might remember 100 UFC events ago, and smashed one of the lightweight division's biggest prospects. Yeah, I said smashed. Barboza has been the most elusive fighter, impossible to take down, impossible to rock, impossible to beat prospect, and he put an exclamation point on it with KO of the year against Terry Etim. Then last night happened.
He got taken down. He got rocked. He got beat. Holy shit, did he ever get beat. Varner just went to down on the kid, chasing him down, landing huge shots, and then basically hammerfisted the fucker to sleep with eight unanswered blows while Steve Mazzagati watched from his knees wondering whether A) this was truly happening and B) whether he might want to do his job some time this century and save Barboza from brain damage.
Diego Brandao (C+) vs Darren Elkins (A)
Prediction: Brandao by TKO round 3
Result: Elkins by decision
I'm not too torn up about this one. I thought it was stupid that Elkins was a +370 when he was clearly the favourite to win. I was just hoping Brandao would carry his momentum into the UFC with another spectacular first round win. But after Elkins survived the first, I had low hopes for Diego. My prediction:
"I think the Brandao hype train is a little excessive to be honest. I mean, I'm surprised 81 per cent think he'll win, especially when this is Elkins' fight to lose. He should have this one in the bag."
Give Elkins credit where it's due. He survived the first round beating, and returned to teach Diego a thing or two about getting on a treadmill and learning some takedown defence.
By the way, I put $1,005 of fake money on him for a $3,718 payout. I hope some of put real money on him because that was an easy steal.
Prediction: Johnson by KO round 1
Result: Struve by submission round 1
I wanted Johnson to win this if only so I didn't have to see Struve do that girly, awkward dance around the cage where he twirls his finger in the air like he's balancing an invisible pair of panties, his gangly and awkward legs moving like a fucking giraffe. I figured the strategy here would be simple: back Struve into the cage and land brutal punches until the Dutch fighter collapsed. It looked good early and then Johnson inexplicably clinched.
I know heavyweights aren't the smartest fighters in the world. I mean, I honestly can't think of one who seems to have an IQ above about 74. But if you're a fighter with huge power and a ground game that makes Pat Barry look like a jujitsu world champion and you're fighting a guy like Stefan Struve who subbed Barry, you might not want to fucking clinch. Johnson didn't realize that, for some unknown reason, and happily let Struve snap his arm.
Stipe Miocic (B+) vs Shane del Rosario (C)
Prediction: del Rosario by submission round 2
Result: Miocic by TKO round 2
I can't fault Shane too much for this one. He looked decent out there, landing shots against a better striker and clearly winning round 1. And then Shane decided not to come out for round 2, and was promptly knocked the fuck out on the ground. That was a little disappointing, since I believed Shane had a decent little ground game that might be able to overcome the one-dimensional fighters typical of the heavyweight division.
I'm still not sold on Miocic despite his three wins in the UFC. He looked horrible against Joey Beltran, but his last two wins have been pretty solid. I know people have a tendency to want to fall in love with the first thing to go on a winning streak in any division (see: Mitrione, Matt), but we'll see. I feel bad for Shane, since he was coming off a long layoff and an injury. He should bounce back in his next fight.
Prediction: Nelson by KO round 1
Result: Nelson by KO round 1
This was a foregone conclusion. We all knew what was going to happen and it did. Herman looked awful against Struve and Nelson was a step up in competition. The shame of it is that Roy looked like the same dumb, overweight, plodding fuck he always is. He promised to drop to 205 pounds but that was just a ploy to get gullible idiots to follow his inane Facebook feed so he can self-promote even more. The shame of it is that Roy appeals to rednecks because he looks like one, but he's a poseur. He's basically a lazy fighter with power who refuses to live up to his potential and has an overinflated sense of self-worth and importance. That was obvious on TUF 10, it was obvious in the Nick Diaz video which showed him wondering how Fabricio Werdum beat him, and it's obvious in his tweets and Facebook comments.
Prediction: Velasquez by KO round 1
Result: Velasquez by TKO round 1
Is it really fair to award scores to a mismatch? It's one thing to beat the cancrusher Fedor Emelianenko and quite another the legitimate former UFC heavyweight champion. Cain absolutely demolished Silva, which I'm sure was a delight not only to his fans but to those Fedor fans who watched in horror as Big Foot turned their hero's face into a purple and red mess.
It was Big Foot's time to play Stephen King's Carrie out there, as he shed more blood than a fucking civil war soldier getting an impromptu amputation without anaesthetic. I'm not sure if I've ever seen so much blood in the cage before, with the exception of Chris Lytle and Josh Koscheck. In seriousness, I asked my buddies if they might need to put Silva on a blood transfusion after the fight to save his life.
Oh and by the way, Silva, Eminem fucking sucks. He's horrible.
Junior dos Santos (A) vs Frank Mir (C)
Prediction: Junior by KO round 2
Result: Junior by KO round 2
Well, we all knew this would happen. It wasn't supposed to happen. Horsemeat was supposed to fight but Overroids got popped for cheating, so unfortunately the UFC put this together instead. We expected the obvious and the obvious happened. If I have one criticism, it's that Mir was chasing Junior around. Why would you do that? Why make it easy to do this:
Mir should have realized his only hope was to wait for Junior to stalk him, counter punch and shoot for takedowns. He tried one takedown, failed, and gave up. That was dumb. But like I said, nobody will ever accuse heavyweights of being smart.
Sadly, it didn't live up to the hype. And that's not just because I scored like Sarah out there last night. It's because the fights weren't competitive. Varner won, but it wasn't a war. It was quick. The main cards were mainly mismatches. The Dollaway fight was an abortion. Nothing really stood out as being spectacular or inspiring. I give the event a B- or a C+.