Ok, I know what most of you are thinking. This idea is so frikkin awesome that when you read the headline a part of your brain hemorrhaged and the trickling fluid rolling down your spine tickled the nerve endings in your scrotum. That's totally, completely normal. It's understandable. Most of us have been waiting for this moment for 16 years now and the fact that the opportunity is finally here is enough to make one want to binge drink in the Blue Oyster in a pair of chapless pants until you pass out.
What's not to like about this fight? Now that Alistair Overeem has tested positive for enough testosterone that it would make the cast of the Expendables look like Coyote Ugly, we're in dire need of a real man to step into the octagon with balls that don't resemble Lynda Carters. That's where Mark The Hammer Coleman comes in. The 47-year-old first UFC heavyweight champion has never been popped for using performance enhancing drugs, unless you count being awesome a performance enhancing drug, which I actually do.
Certainly I realize he may be a little rusty, having not fought inside the cage since fellow geriatric Randy The Natural Couture choked him out at 109. But I don't think it would take much cajoling to get his ass to Las Vegas to restore the heavyweight belt where it belongs: around the sweaty, greasy, sunburnt waist of a true American hero.
I know you've all got your heart set on seeing fat Fedor or fatter Mark Hunt against dos Santos, but think about both those ideas for a second. Yes, in a perfect world Fedor would sign with the UFC tomorrow, and begin a series of ridiculously boring UFC Prime Time videos as translated by a very unattractive Russian woman. And that would be great. But unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world. If we did, Nick Diaz would be the welterweight champion and marijuana would be mailed to our address every month by the federal government. And neither are going to happen.
As for Mark Hunt, I know the idea of an 8-7 fighter who has a cardio rate that would kill a three-toed sloth makes you all very excited. It makes me excited, too. I mean, Hunt has a Homer Simpsonesque ability to absorb punishment, and the chances of Junior dos Santos passing out from the exhaustion of hitting Hunt in the face is likely at least as high as Rick Santorum's electoral chances.
But let's face it, Mark Coleman is really the Kryptonite to Dos Santos' superman. Coleman is a UFC champion. He's a PRIDE veteran. He's defeated guys like Shogun Rua, Stephan Bonnar, and Moti Horenstein. Sure, most of those were Light Heavyweight fighters, but that's just how Coleman rolls. He's a winner, excepting his mere 10 losses. And really, when you think about it, he's 1-1 in his last two fights and hasn't lost a fight since 2010. In other words, Mark Coleman is totally undefeated in the past two years.
I know there's been a lot of talk about other fighters like Frank Mir, Fabricio Werdum, and Sean McCorkle, but honestly, none of those guys are ready for dos Santos. This is the perfect moment to bring the Hammer back, when nobody is expecting it. And as an added bonus you can sure that almost nobody at Bloody Elbow has been calling for this most deserving of title shots, which pretty much makes it a sealed deal in my opinion.
Look, I know Lesnar's striking coach made some stupid fan post about Tim Sylvia fighting dos Santos. Just, stop. Nobody is going to seriously consider Tim Sylvia for the belt when you have a perfectly good, unused Mark Coleman just waiting to get a phone call and reclaim his belt. While Tim Sylvia would have to cut down from 320 pounds of buttered ham, Mark Coleman has always been a fitness freak, ready to headbutt a fighter or punch a man in the balls at a split second's notice. Indeed, I think if headbutting and balls smashing was legal in his fights against Fedor, we might have had quite a different scene than the one where he permanently scarred his two young girls for life.
And if anyone says Coleman is undeserving of an immediate title shot without having worked his way up the ladder, all I have to say in kind is Brock Lesnar. What's that? Can't hear you because Brock Lesnar. Yeah, I can see your lips moving but all I hear coming out is Brock Lesnar. Did you say something? Two words: First word: Brock. Second word: Lesnar. Three syllables: First syllable: Brock. Second syllable: Les. Third and final syllable: nar.
So, in conclusion, I think the choice here is clear. Sure, you can have some boring and predictable fight between dos Santos and Frank Mir, which will likely result in Frank's mop of hair being used to clean up the stain he leaves on the mat. Sure, you can ask Mark Hunt to waddle his way into the cage, and hope he connects with a homerun punch. Let's also hope dos Santos turns into an inept black French kickboxer during the fight.
Or, you could go with the natural, the only choice: Mark the f*cking Hammer Coleman.